I'M SO AMAZED at the power of positive thinking and how EMPOWERING it is to know what beliefs I have that get in the way of my being completely fulfilled (HINT: It really isn't about taking different steps, it's about examining the thinking at the root of the action or inaction I've been in that isn't getting me what I want!) It's been about 5 months sober now and I feel like listening to the voices in my head has become a well toned muscle. Doing this for 5 months being totally clear headed has been unbelievably healthy. It's actually not hard at all, I'm still having fun, loving life and engaging in normal struggles. Not much different, except that I choose not to escape, which RAPIDLY accelerates my learning.
After 5 months of practice, I can quickly see how lack of belief in myself manifests into procrastination, exhaustion and need to be isolated. I can also see how judgment of myself starts a cycle of blame and shame when I do those things that actually make it worse! So, now when I see those symptoms of insecurity I take care of myself and talk OUT LOUD with someone who I have identified as a trusted member of my community to talk through what's happening so I can get in action and interrupt it. Letting other people take care of me has been simply life altering. Thank you so much to all my friends and family who have listened to me. I love you.
I can see connections to people all around me! Believing that I am good enough and that there are amazing people around me to connect with has EXPONENTIALLY increased the amount of connections I've had (romantic, professional and just in normal human interaction in the world) with new people and has deepened my relationships with loved ones. Believing RELENTLESSLY that the world can change, that our awareness can deepen, that we each are more powerful than we can possibly fathom has really helped me to engage in conversations I never thought I would have, try out new and exciting things and have me shape a life for myself that feels more balanced and fulfilling that it EVER has in my entire life. Calling that blessed sells it short. I'm blessed with my own desire to transform and create a life that I love. I'm blessed with amazing people around me who are willing to be with me on this journey. I'm blessed with a community and world who also believes in the power of transformation and love. All that intersects together because we believe in possibility.
I'm now in a place where I can move from intellectualizing my struggles into feeling them. It's still pretty hard for me to go straight to feeling, so I've been using humor as kind of the "gateway" emotion. When I catch myself interrupting being angry or sad with analyzing, I stop and laugh at myself. I CAN laugh at myself....this is directly connected to practice of non judgment. If I'm perfect, exactly the way that I am and exactly the way that I'm not, I can laugh at the crazy voices that are conspiring to keep me less fulfilled. I can also get that these voices are not TRUTH....they are just a manifestation of the beliefs I've identified as ones that don't serve my total fulfillment in the world.
Beliefs are not set in stone.....yet they are SO powerful, that sometimes we think they are more powerful than us. However, as they are a part of us....our experiences, our environment, our past... THEY ARE NOT bigger than us. Believing that at any given moment in time I always have a choice, helps me to be empowered and shape my beliefs. When I feel stuck, I now know that there are beliefs there driving why I am stuck that I can examine, learn more about and change...thus, changing my actions. Nothing is impossible, the world is what it is and we are exceptional human beings in this world. Change starts with me... and it NEVER starts with resignation with circumstances, NEVER with beliefs grounded in insecurity, NEVER that I am alone.
I'm so grateful for this year....a year that has been a journey of love, clarity and commitment to making each moment better and more fulfilling. I've got (I believe and hope) many more years left on this planet and I've only just begun! What else is there for me?
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
4 months into sobriety....
It's easy now and I'm laughing today at how fun and silly it is to engage the "crazy" (*Crazy= the voices in my head that work really hard to keep me miserable and stagnant) every day. About a month ago, I had a HUGE epiphany that has led to a series of bizarre and wonderful occurrences. All because I'm taking time to listen to the "crazy", laugh at it and then be on my way without letting my default voices (some of which I've not listened to nor been aware of for years) guide my journey. They are simply passengers I acknowledge, but not let steer the plane.
In September, my friend Lynne and I went to the club. I realized when I walked in that I was panicked because I was going to have to learn how to be in the club SOBER. I took a deep breath and started to realize I wanted to go to sleep, so I started pounding energy drinks so I wouldn't have an excuse to not engage. We had a great time, but I started to notice that I have anxiety about being approached by strange men. A few asked me to dance, and I immediately shot them down. One, sweet as he was, said "why not?" and I replied I wasn't ready yet. He promptly locked it down by saying, "Cool, I'll come back in 15 minutes" and I nodded. Damn!
So, when he came back, I danced with him a little and when he asked me for my number I gave it to him. The entire time I was anxious and really fighting to not be agitated. When I asked myself why that was happening, I realized that deep down I was holding on to a belief that men who are strangers are complete pieces of shit. Now, this is a great example of some default belief I created as either a kid or young adult that I CHOOSE to not want to believe. It didn't pan out with him (quick detour, his game was whack...he pulled some "you'll see a missed call and that's me." WTF am I supposed to do with that? Call some missed number? I don't think so...moving on.)
Once I realized that I actually had to work on choosing to believe that strange men could be amazing and sweet, then I actually had to start practicing believing that...especially when I noticed myself believing otherwise. That started the Monday after the club epiphany (I love saying that) when I had a date set up with a guy I met on OK Cupid. As I was getting ready, I realized I was preparing myself for a disaster and already planning on what I'd do once I got rid of him. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!! Before I'd met him, I was already clear that I'd be better after I did the obligatory first date so I could write him off. No wonder I never meet anyone in the bay....I never give them a chance!
So, I literally started practicing the new belief...this could be a great date, he could be a great guy, we'd hit it off, etc. Of course, I show up for the date and he's WAY cuter than his picture...and he's leaning against a pole on the corner reading Invisible Man, by Ellison. C'mon son.
Anyways, we go in for a drink and it turns out he's also a non drinker, which made my not drinking easy to negotiate. I then proceed to find out the following things about this dude:
Pediatrician at Children's Hospital (the local public hospital for kids, duh)
Took a year off from his residency to get a Master's in Public Policy....so he could actually have time to READ which he missed while he was in medical school!
SUPER sweet, chivalrous and fun.
A soccer player, and really in shape and sexy.
He's great natured, up front, candid and PATIENT
He loves to be busy with the many cultural things offered in the bay
He's into open relationships, and REALLY into being honest and discussing what's up.
The list goes on and on...so, here I am thanking the universe for bringing me a smart, sexy, fun and sweet STRANGER so that I can begin to find evidence that supports my newly chosen belief that they can be amazing and NOT pieces of shit (so that I could interrupt the old belief that was messing with my ability to have a local relationship) and for simply bringing about the possibility I'd been asking for.
We've been seeing each other for about a month now, and last night was really sweet and romantic. Music, parking in the hills with a view of the bay, giggles, kisses, etc. So, I ask him "you've got a lot on your plate (longer story) and I'm curious what it is your looking for?" His response was "something not too serious right now...I don't have the energy for it with all that's going on" (family, work, personal stuff, etc.) and I totally get it. He's basically looking for someone to be intimate with that he can spend time with and have fun. I can dig it....
UNTIL THE CRAZY KICKED IN TODAY!!!
So, I'm realizing that he's great and all things point to us having a great connection. And, I'm realizing that there are some differences between us that make me wonder just how serious I could actually get with him. He's a little more reserved than me and I'm wondering how much he's actually be into some of the crazy shenanigans I find myself up to. That's fine....I can dig a guy and have fun with him without it having to be hella heavy. The CRAZY kicked in when I started to look for a problem with his answer to my question last night.
He wants to hang out with me, and he wants to continue to have fun...but not seeking intense partnership right now. He's being super honest and not trying to rush himself or me into anything. And, what's my response? I start to tell myself today that him not wanting to consider a serious relationship right now is a deal breaker. WHY would I begin to think that?!!!
I'll tell you, three reasons.
1. Because I've always experienced tension and impossibility for the last 15 years in creating a relationship. So, since I am used to that, when the tension goes away and it becomes easy...I have to make it hard.*Thanks, Naz for helping me see that today.
2. I'm looking for evidence to support my default belief that he must be a piece of shit, and give me an out to go back to isolation and loneliness.
3. His honesty triggered my insecurities about not being good enough...and ALTHOUGH I'm considering that he's not the person I'd want to settle down with, him not being ready to explore that makes me cringe like I'm not good enough and makes me want to run.
Ahhhh, sobriety and clarity. You funny little experience.
What's the point to all of this? The point is that the universe (and my hard work to have fulfillment in all areas of my life) are paying off. I found an amazing guy to spend time with and am having unbelievable breakthroughs in this experience of sobriety and listening to the crazy so I can watch for it and interrupt it! Life is good and I'm SO grateful to my many friends (in person and on FB) who share love, support and inspiration with me every day.
I can't believe I'm only a third of the way in.....NOW, I've got to focus on Education as a Vital Sign and get some academic writing done. More on that soon, folks.
Love and gratitude to all of you for listening,
Maureen
It's easy now and I'm laughing today at how fun and silly it is to engage the "crazy" (*Crazy= the voices in my head that work really hard to keep me miserable and stagnant) every day. About a month ago, I had a HUGE epiphany that has led to a series of bizarre and wonderful occurrences. All because I'm taking time to listen to the "crazy", laugh at it and then be on my way without letting my default voices (some of which I've not listened to nor been aware of for years) guide my journey. They are simply passengers I acknowledge, but not let steer the plane.
In September, my friend Lynne and I went to the club. I realized when I walked in that I was panicked because I was going to have to learn how to be in the club SOBER. I took a deep breath and started to realize I wanted to go to sleep, so I started pounding energy drinks so I wouldn't have an excuse to not engage. We had a great time, but I started to notice that I have anxiety about being approached by strange men. A few asked me to dance, and I immediately shot them down. One, sweet as he was, said "why not?" and I replied I wasn't ready yet. He promptly locked it down by saying, "Cool, I'll come back in 15 minutes" and I nodded. Damn!
So, when he came back, I danced with him a little and when he asked me for my number I gave it to him. The entire time I was anxious and really fighting to not be agitated. When I asked myself why that was happening, I realized that deep down I was holding on to a belief that men who are strangers are complete pieces of shit. Now, this is a great example of some default belief I created as either a kid or young adult that I CHOOSE to not want to believe. It didn't pan out with him (quick detour, his game was whack...he pulled some "you'll see a missed call and that's me." WTF am I supposed to do with that? Call some missed number? I don't think so...moving on.)
Once I realized that I actually had to work on choosing to believe that strange men could be amazing and sweet, then I actually had to start practicing believing that...especially when I noticed myself believing otherwise. That started the Monday after the club epiphany (I love saying that) when I had a date set up with a guy I met on OK Cupid. As I was getting ready, I realized I was preparing myself for a disaster and already planning on what I'd do once I got rid of him. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!! Before I'd met him, I was already clear that I'd be better after I did the obligatory first date so I could write him off. No wonder I never meet anyone in the bay....I never give them a chance!
So, I literally started practicing the new belief...this could be a great date, he could be a great guy, we'd hit it off, etc. Of course, I show up for the date and he's WAY cuter than his picture...and he's leaning against a pole on the corner reading Invisible Man, by Ellison. C'mon son.
Anyways, we go in for a drink and it turns out he's also a non drinker, which made my not drinking easy to negotiate. I then proceed to find out the following things about this dude:
Pediatrician at Children's Hospital (the local public hospital for kids, duh)
Took a year off from his residency to get a Master's in Public Policy....so he could actually have time to READ which he missed while he was in medical school!
SUPER sweet, chivalrous and fun.
A soccer player, and really in shape and sexy.
He's great natured, up front, candid and PATIENT
He loves to be busy with the many cultural things offered in the bay
He's into open relationships, and REALLY into being honest and discussing what's up.
The list goes on and on...so, here I am thanking the universe for bringing me a smart, sexy, fun and sweet STRANGER so that I can begin to find evidence that supports my newly chosen belief that they can be amazing and NOT pieces of shit (so that I could interrupt the old belief that was messing with my ability to have a local relationship) and for simply bringing about the possibility I'd been asking for.
We've been seeing each other for about a month now, and last night was really sweet and romantic. Music, parking in the hills with a view of the bay, giggles, kisses, etc. So, I ask him "you've got a lot on your plate (longer story) and I'm curious what it is your looking for?" His response was "something not too serious right now...I don't have the energy for it with all that's going on" (family, work, personal stuff, etc.) and I totally get it. He's basically looking for someone to be intimate with that he can spend time with and have fun. I can dig it....
UNTIL THE CRAZY KICKED IN TODAY!!!
So, I'm realizing that he's great and all things point to us having a great connection. And, I'm realizing that there are some differences between us that make me wonder just how serious I could actually get with him. He's a little more reserved than me and I'm wondering how much he's actually be into some of the crazy shenanigans I find myself up to. That's fine....I can dig a guy and have fun with him without it having to be hella heavy. The CRAZY kicked in when I started to look for a problem with his answer to my question last night.
He wants to hang out with me, and he wants to continue to have fun...but not seeking intense partnership right now. He's being super honest and not trying to rush himself or me into anything. And, what's my response? I start to tell myself today that him not wanting to consider a serious relationship right now is a deal breaker. WHY would I begin to think that?!!!
I'll tell you, three reasons.
1. Because I've always experienced tension and impossibility for the last 15 years in creating a relationship. So, since I am used to that, when the tension goes away and it becomes easy...I have to make it hard.*Thanks, Naz for helping me see that today.
2. I'm looking for evidence to support my default belief that he must be a piece of shit, and give me an out to go back to isolation and loneliness.
3. His honesty triggered my insecurities about not being good enough...and ALTHOUGH I'm considering that he's not the person I'd want to settle down with, him not being ready to explore that makes me cringe like I'm not good enough and makes me want to run.
Ahhhh, sobriety and clarity. You funny little experience.
What's the point to all of this? The point is that the universe (and my hard work to have fulfillment in all areas of my life) are paying off. I found an amazing guy to spend time with and am having unbelievable breakthroughs in this experience of sobriety and listening to the crazy so I can watch for it and interrupt it! Life is good and I'm SO grateful to my many friends (in person and on FB) who share love, support and inspiration with me every day.
I can't believe I'm only a third of the way in.....NOW, I've got to focus on Education as a Vital Sign and get some academic writing done. More on that soon, folks.
Love and gratitude to all of you for listening,
Maureen
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Rebuilding my relationship with anger
A long time ago I broke up with that fool, Anger. He'd leave me tired and unsatisfied and with all kinds of shit to clean up. Getting with him was NOT one of my best relationships. Since then, I've been in a committed relationship with Patience who leaves me exhausted, but fulfilled and always wanting more. However, the question still remains....."what happened (or didn't happen) with Anger that left me unwilling to keep him in the mix?" I believe that Anger's mama is Fear....and so at the root of all that, if I'm to get at why my relationship with Anger doesn't work, I'm afraid that I need to confront that monster Fear. See that, Anger....I even put a yo mama joke in my therapy-writing. I can't stand you.
A few years ago, in the Landmark Forum (a life altering three day intensive psychological inquiry blended with Buddhist distinctions) where I was so overcome with anger and murderous rage that I couldn't speak or move, I wanted to quit the class rather than continue to explore my anger. I remember checking in with the teacher who reminded me that I was fine and asked me what would happen if I just sat with my anger. I was afraid at the time that if I let my anger surface, that I'd be capable of horrible things. Like REALLY horrible things. But, I was fine. Nothing happened, except that it passed and I practiced acceptance. Anger to me feels so different from the life I choose to live of love, peace, and community. Nothing about being angry feels like I could maintain any of those things. When I think of anger, I feel empty of love, filled with rage and fearful that I will alienate my community with my actions.
Why am I even thinking about all of this? In the past 9 weeks (since I've been sober) I've been angry more frequently and harder than I remember in years...like 20 years. Not every day or anything, but at a few people and circumstances where I've tapped out, gotten other people (police and bosses) involved and have found myself furious beyond belief. It made me start thinking....what if part of my desire to be inebriated is about avoiding being angry? I am, after all, a happy partying person.....so maybe that's my method of avoiding this fear that I'll be a horrible person doing horrible things if I let my anger show up?
If part of this journey is to examine why I choose to not be sober, then I'm realizing avoiding anger is part of that. And...if avoiding anger is a reason to be inebriated, then while I'm sober I suppose I have to re-establish a healthy relationship with anger. Dang, I totally thought I was through with him. :)
What I'm clear about today is that avoiding anger is also not a healthy relationship. It's kind of like moving to another city when you want to start over....leaving behind people and places and memories DOESN'T actually help me heal in a way that transforms me. It just keeps them out of sight, but my issues ALWAYS show up no matter where I am. Avoiding being angry for fear of something I haven't even done yet (committing violence or saying some really hurtful and damaging things) is bringing my past with me into what I think is possible. This limits me, my capability and my future to only being a product of my experiences. There's no radical transformation in that, and it's not what I'm committed to in the world.
While I'm committed to a life of practicing non judgment in all that I do, that doesn't mean that I can't be angry. So as I practice non judgment, as I practice engaging in transformative work (personal and in the world), I also need to honor that anger is just a valid emotion as any and that I don't have to cave into my fear that anger will lead to something horrible. I'm going to practice believing that when I'm angry I can be
*non judgmental
*compassionate
*patient
*peaceful
*grounded
In fact, there's a person I'm pretty angry with right now that I have to talk and work with. I'll practice that this week, balancing honoring my anger at how I've been treated but being committed to the person I choose to be in the world. For what it's worth, I apologize if you're one of the people I've been angry with and I haven't been honest about that. I know that dishonors our relationship and I'm committed to fully honoring all of the connections I have in the world.
All for now.
Love and go fuck yourself (just kidding),
Maureen
A few years ago, in the Landmark Forum (a life altering three day intensive psychological inquiry blended with Buddhist distinctions) where I was so overcome with anger and murderous rage that I couldn't speak or move, I wanted to quit the class rather than continue to explore my anger. I remember checking in with the teacher who reminded me that I was fine and asked me what would happen if I just sat with my anger. I was afraid at the time that if I let my anger surface, that I'd be capable of horrible things. Like REALLY horrible things. But, I was fine. Nothing happened, except that it passed and I practiced acceptance. Anger to me feels so different from the life I choose to live of love, peace, and community. Nothing about being angry feels like I could maintain any of those things. When I think of anger, I feel empty of love, filled with rage and fearful that I will alienate my community with my actions.
Why am I even thinking about all of this? In the past 9 weeks (since I've been sober) I've been angry more frequently and harder than I remember in years...like 20 years. Not every day or anything, but at a few people and circumstances where I've tapped out, gotten other people (police and bosses) involved and have found myself furious beyond belief. It made me start thinking....what if part of my desire to be inebriated is about avoiding being angry? I am, after all, a happy partying person.....so maybe that's my method of avoiding this fear that I'll be a horrible person doing horrible things if I let my anger show up?
If part of this journey is to examine why I choose to not be sober, then I'm realizing avoiding anger is part of that. And...if avoiding anger is a reason to be inebriated, then while I'm sober I suppose I have to re-establish a healthy relationship with anger. Dang, I totally thought I was through with him. :)
What I'm clear about today is that avoiding anger is also not a healthy relationship. It's kind of like moving to another city when you want to start over....leaving behind people and places and memories DOESN'T actually help me heal in a way that transforms me. It just keeps them out of sight, but my issues ALWAYS show up no matter where I am. Avoiding being angry for fear of something I haven't even done yet (committing violence or saying some really hurtful and damaging things) is bringing my past with me into what I think is possible. This limits me, my capability and my future to only being a product of my experiences. There's no radical transformation in that, and it's not what I'm committed to in the world.
While I'm committed to a life of practicing non judgment in all that I do, that doesn't mean that I can't be angry. So as I practice non judgment, as I practice engaging in transformative work (personal and in the world), I also need to honor that anger is just a valid emotion as any and that I don't have to cave into my fear that anger will lead to something horrible. I'm going to practice believing that when I'm angry I can be
*non judgmental
*compassionate
*patient
*peaceful
*grounded
In fact, there's a person I'm pretty angry with right now that I have to talk and work with. I'll practice that this week, balancing honoring my anger at how I've been treated but being committed to the person I choose to be in the world. For what it's worth, I apologize if you're one of the people I've been angry with and I haven't been honest about that. I know that dishonors our relationship and I'm committed to fully honoring all of the connections I have in the world.
All for now.
Love and go fuck yourself (just kidding),
Maureen
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Thanking people for our privilege.
I'm reflecting this morning after an intense week at the 2011 National Poetry Slam where Sonya Renee and I had the honor of people's attendance in a workshop we ran called "Slam as a Safe Space?"- created in response to numerous conversations that have taken place in the slam community which have been painful, hard and unsatisfying for many. One struggle in conversations with multiple perspectives on issues of race, gender, sexuality, etc. has been that people engage (or disengage) from a place of "right" and when that debate takes place and we stop listening (or believe the conversation has stopped being "productive"), often nothing changes, people feel less inclined to bother engaging and the issue being raised (the impact of racism, sexism, homophobia, etc.) continues.
Ultimately, we perpetuate pain rather than face discomfort and give up that there is a "right".
On one hand, I was AMAZED at the work people (over 100 in two days) did to simply consider that what we offered was not THE truth, rather a perspective to consider tools that can help to stay engaged, speak your truth, experience discomfort in a productive way and accept/expect non closure (* from Glenn Singleton's Courageous Conversations About Race protocol.) I was in awe at how people who came to the workshop demonstrated the will to do what it takes to stay in the conversation and work collectively to dismantle the various oppressions that exist in the Slam Community. The love we received, the constructive criticism we received and the commitment we heard from people to continue this work was gorgeous. Attendees were inspiring and I'm grateful for the honor you bestowed on us to facilitate such a space. I was left inspired to remain committed to provide whatever I can to this community, which is beautiful...exactly the way it is and exactly the way it isn't. I only hope to return a fraction of the joy, growth and strength you have given me.
On the other hand, I was disappointed that the workshop was attended mainly by people who have expressed being impacted by oppression in the slam community, and not by many who have been called out for perpetuating it. I won't name the names of the people who were (according to our written feedback) missed by the group. And I do acknowledge that there was one level of support to this work provided by creating a technical space in the program for this workshop. That is an important beginning. What was missing for me was the next level of support from those in positional and privilege based power to demonstrate the will to engage in (this rare and collective space) the PERSONAL adaptive hard work that each member of this community must do to interrupt and dismantle various oppressions as they come up. I've given the attendees a homework assignment to consider who was missing and how we can engage them. I look forward to seeing what people do with that assignment.
In the spirit of showing that nothing is wrong with acknowledging our truths, I shared at the end of the second day that I am a racist, a sexist, a homophobe, and more~ not because I choose this, but because I have been trained to be. I also am an anti racist, anti sexist, anti homophobe because I believe in choosing to name that which I have been brainwashed to believe and examining how I perpetuate that which I strive to interrupt...even if I don't see it, even if it is painful to acknowledge and even if I have been on the receiving end of any form of oppression.
When I read the NPS threads over the course of the week and listened to people reflecting, I observed some people thanking others for the privilege of serving. This made me reflect on how often we don't see that if we have the privilege to do, say or create something, it is not always an honor. When what I am privileged to do causes others to feel silenced, unseen and hurt... this is not a privilege I can be grateful for.
*I can be grateful to the people who share how I hurt them for loving me enough to illuminate that which I do not see, particularly in their own pain and struggle of being impacted by what I have done.
*I can be grateful to the people who believe in my (and our) ability to interrupt oppression, dismantle it and eliminate it.
*I can be grateful that I choose to embrace the courage necessary to listen and act with the people who have been knocked down, pushed away and wounded by the exercising of privilege and be grateful for their undying strength, passion and dedication. Not to mention they are some of the most courageous and strong people I've ever met.
*I can be grateful for love. And people's truth. And time on this earth to learn more about people's truth. And for change.
I cannot be grateful for privilege, but I can be grateful for these things. And I can hope that gratitude and love keep extending so more people stop being grateful for their privileges and start being grateful for the blessing of engaging in discomfort.
We are not wrong. We are learning. We are different. We are beautiful. We are perfect, exactly the way we are and exactly the way we aren't.
That is how we know that we are change. We are truth. We are love. We are one.
Ultimately, we perpetuate pain rather than face discomfort and give up that there is a "right".
On one hand, I was AMAZED at the work people (over 100 in two days) did to simply consider that what we offered was not THE truth, rather a perspective to consider tools that can help to stay engaged, speak your truth, experience discomfort in a productive way and accept/expect non closure (* from Glenn Singleton's Courageous Conversations About Race protocol.) I was in awe at how people who came to the workshop demonstrated the will to do what it takes to stay in the conversation and work collectively to dismantle the various oppressions that exist in the Slam Community. The love we received, the constructive criticism we received and the commitment we heard from people to continue this work was gorgeous. Attendees were inspiring and I'm grateful for the honor you bestowed on us to facilitate such a space. I was left inspired to remain committed to provide whatever I can to this community, which is beautiful...exactly the way it is and exactly the way it isn't. I only hope to return a fraction of the joy, growth and strength you have given me.
On the other hand, I was disappointed that the workshop was attended mainly by people who have expressed being impacted by oppression in the slam community, and not by many who have been called out for perpetuating it. I won't name the names of the people who were (according to our written feedback) missed by the group. And I do acknowledge that there was one level of support to this work provided by creating a technical space in the program for this workshop. That is an important beginning. What was missing for me was the next level of support from those in positional and privilege based power to demonstrate the will to engage in (this rare and collective space) the PERSONAL adaptive hard work that each member of this community must do to interrupt and dismantle various oppressions as they come up. I've given the attendees a homework assignment to consider who was missing and how we can engage them. I look forward to seeing what people do with that assignment.
In the spirit of showing that nothing is wrong with acknowledging our truths, I shared at the end of the second day that I am a racist, a sexist, a homophobe, and more~ not because I choose this, but because I have been trained to be. I also am an anti racist, anti sexist, anti homophobe because I believe in choosing to name that which I have been brainwashed to believe and examining how I perpetuate that which I strive to interrupt...even if I don't see it, even if it is painful to acknowledge and even if I have been on the receiving end of any form of oppression.
When I read the NPS threads over the course of the week and listened to people reflecting, I observed some people thanking others for the privilege of serving. This made me reflect on how often we don't see that if we have the privilege to do, say or create something, it is not always an honor. When what I am privileged to do causes others to feel silenced, unseen and hurt... this is not a privilege I can be grateful for.
*I can be grateful to the people who share how I hurt them for loving me enough to illuminate that which I do not see, particularly in their own pain and struggle of being impacted by what I have done.
*I can be grateful to the people who believe in my (and our) ability to interrupt oppression, dismantle it and eliminate it.
*I can be grateful that I choose to embrace the courage necessary to listen and act with the people who have been knocked down, pushed away and wounded by the exercising of privilege and be grateful for their undying strength, passion and dedication. Not to mention they are some of the most courageous and strong people I've ever met.
*I can be grateful for love. And people's truth. And time on this earth to learn more about people's truth. And for change.
I cannot be grateful for privilege, but I can be grateful for these things. And I can hope that gratitude and love keep extending so more people stop being grateful for their privileges and start being grateful for the blessing of engaging in discomfort.
We are not wrong. We are learning. We are different. We are beautiful. We are perfect, exactly the way we are and exactly the way we aren't.
That is how we know that we are change. We are truth. We are love. We are one.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Remembering that I'm not late
....as I beat myself up for "taking too long" to get this done, not blogging more regularly and letting months go by without mapping out my goals for the year.
And, I'm not late. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and perfect in all the ways that I am and all the ways that I'm not.
Deep breath, and my life starts right this second. So, here goes.
It has been about a month sober. For the most part, it's been pretty easy and often funny. Easy, because I've not taken on sobriety from a place where I think anything is wrong. This is just what I do now. I'm not correcting anything from the past, I'm just noticing what it's like NOW, right this moment. Funny, because my friends are super sweet and wanting to support me by not partaking in my presence. :) But, I am the first to whip up a delicious cocktail for my friends and I want people to be comfortable and do what they want. My choice and journey has NOTHING to do with the lives and choices of my friends and peers. In fact, I'm less likely to struggle with sobriety when I'm around my friends. After all, a tonic with a splash of bitters does wonders for my life and so does my community!
What have I noticed in my sobriety? I continue to notice a pattern in when I'm tempted to indulge. It usually is at the end of a day when I want to decompress or unwind and I don't have plans. I believe it helps me to avoid confronting anxiety, sadness, being bored or lonely. I have had a couple of situations recently that have made me really angry (that's a rare emotion in my world, mainly because I'm deeply afraid of being so angry I'll hurt someone) and I've joked about getting a few drinks to blow off steam. But, I believe real anger is rooted in fear and avoiding fear seems like avoiding all of the other emotions above. I'm certain this journey will illuminate much more for me, but the truth so far in my experience has been that I do not want to party socially (that's just fine sober), it's avoiding my emotions. And, what I need to do is be with my friends and not perpetuate avoiding my feelings and thoughts, rather engage them in partnership with my loved ones.
One distinction I practice regularly is that "Nothing is wrong." That doesn't mean there aren't plenty of areas that aren't working, but this distinction helps me approach them from a place of non judgment. I asked myself recently, if nothing is wrong then what do I need to escape from? I started to examine this and I found that when I start from "Something's wrong" I try to escape relationships that are mutually fulfilling, personal exploration, intimacy, my body, learning and being accountable to that learning. I then asked myself, what is "wrong" at the root of that? Deep down, I struggle with fear of my thoughts (like this blog and taking the space to reflect) and fear of what others will see in me~ and deep, deep down, these are rooted in my deepest fear. The fear that I'm not good enough. Not good enough to live up to my ideas, my community and what the world (or I) need.
Sadly, I believe these voices or beliefs are common in all of us....in fact, I suspect (based on the thousands of people who have told me they suffer a similar torture) that the belief in one not being good enough is part of who we are as humans today. I don't believe this is human nature, but I DO believe that when people engage in transformation (either in themselves or in the world) that this belief pops us and is often what stops us, or at the very least makes the journey much more difficult.
I'm about to go map out areas of my life that I want to set intentions around. I'd like to set them in 4 areas: My mind/study, my heart/love and being loved, my soul/service, and my body/health. At the setting of these intentions, I must be clear that I will be facing the belief that I'm not good enough. I must literally practice believing that I am, so I can think big and not be (as much as possible) limited in what I believe I can do and be from this belief. I also know, again, that I cannot do this alone. For each intention, I will create a community to engage in and people I want to help support me/hold me accountable. I'm grateful that so far this journey of sobriety has reinforced my need to interrupt my habit of turning inward when challenged by life. Turning this around will be one of my intentions and one that is incredibly confronting for me.
I'll also publish these intentions, and will make space for sisters in my circle to practice the same exercises as I believe we must share our learnings with each other to overcome struggle and transform ourselves in order to transform the world. So, more soon.
Finally, my sweet sisterfriend, Denise, asked me last night about my experience at Harbin (HAI courses are AMAZING) and I realized that again, I had turned inward to avoid the fear of engaging with community. She asked some amazing questions like, "Are you finding that the lessons from there are continuing to serve you?" and "What is love to you?" and I went straight to a place of intellectual and tried to answer them. I didn't go to a place of letting my emotions engage those powerful questions. In doing that, I realized that I had met some amazing people, had some incredible connections and haven't reached out to engage in the continued lessons after the weekend OR reflected in partnership with people I love to explore what love is to me/us. I just was floating from an incredible experience and have coasted on those fumes for a few weeks, mainly in isolation. Don't get me wrong, I'm around people ALL the time. Trust. But, being with them and creating space where we care for each other is not what I'm doing as habit or with hard work on my end to open up that invitation. That's about to change today.
Off to get my life right. Love to all of you.
Maureen
And, I'm not late. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and perfect in all the ways that I am and all the ways that I'm not.
Deep breath, and my life starts right this second. So, here goes.
It has been about a month sober. For the most part, it's been pretty easy and often funny. Easy, because I've not taken on sobriety from a place where I think anything is wrong. This is just what I do now. I'm not correcting anything from the past, I'm just noticing what it's like NOW, right this moment. Funny, because my friends are super sweet and wanting to support me by not partaking in my presence. :) But, I am the first to whip up a delicious cocktail for my friends and I want people to be comfortable and do what they want. My choice and journey has NOTHING to do with the lives and choices of my friends and peers. In fact, I'm less likely to struggle with sobriety when I'm around my friends. After all, a tonic with a splash of bitters does wonders for my life and so does my community!
What have I noticed in my sobriety? I continue to notice a pattern in when I'm tempted to indulge. It usually is at the end of a day when I want to decompress or unwind and I don't have plans. I believe it helps me to avoid confronting anxiety, sadness, being bored or lonely. I have had a couple of situations recently that have made me really angry (that's a rare emotion in my world, mainly because I'm deeply afraid of being so angry I'll hurt someone) and I've joked about getting a few drinks to blow off steam. But, I believe real anger is rooted in fear and avoiding fear seems like avoiding all of the other emotions above. I'm certain this journey will illuminate much more for me, but the truth so far in my experience has been that I do not want to party socially (that's just fine sober), it's avoiding my emotions. And, what I need to do is be with my friends and not perpetuate avoiding my feelings and thoughts, rather engage them in partnership with my loved ones.
One distinction I practice regularly is that "Nothing is wrong." That doesn't mean there aren't plenty of areas that aren't working, but this distinction helps me approach them from a place of non judgment. I asked myself recently, if nothing is wrong then what do I need to escape from? I started to examine this and I found that when I start from "Something's wrong" I try to escape relationships that are mutually fulfilling, personal exploration, intimacy, my body, learning and being accountable to that learning. I then asked myself, what is "wrong" at the root of that? Deep down, I struggle with fear of my thoughts (like this blog and taking the space to reflect) and fear of what others will see in me~ and deep, deep down, these are rooted in my deepest fear. The fear that I'm not good enough. Not good enough to live up to my ideas, my community and what the world (or I) need.
Sadly, I believe these voices or beliefs are common in all of us....in fact, I suspect (based on the thousands of people who have told me they suffer a similar torture) that the belief in one not being good enough is part of who we are as humans today. I don't believe this is human nature, but I DO believe that when people engage in transformation (either in themselves or in the world) that this belief pops us and is often what stops us, or at the very least makes the journey much more difficult.
I'm about to go map out areas of my life that I want to set intentions around. I'd like to set them in 4 areas: My mind/study, my heart/love and being loved, my soul/service, and my body/health. At the setting of these intentions, I must be clear that I will be facing the belief that I'm not good enough. I must literally practice believing that I am, so I can think big and not be (as much as possible) limited in what I believe I can do and be from this belief. I also know, again, that I cannot do this alone. For each intention, I will create a community to engage in and people I want to help support me/hold me accountable. I'm grateful that so far this journey of sobriety has reinforced my need to interrupt my habit of turning inward when challenged by life. Turning this around will be one of my intentions and one that is incredibly confronting for me.
I'll also publish these intentions, and will make space for sisters in my circle to practice the same exercises as I believe we must share our learnings with each other to overcome struggle and transform ourselves in order to transform the world. So, more soon.
Finally, my sweet sisterfriend, Denise, asked me last night about my experience at Harbin (HAI courses are AMAZING) and I realized that again, I had turned inward to avoid the fear of engaging with community. She asked some amazing questions like, "Are you finding that the lessons from there are continuing to serve you?" and "What is love to you?" and I went straight to a place of intellectual and tried to answer them. I didn't go to a place of letting my emotions engage those powerful questions. In doing that, I realized that I had met some amazing people, had some incredible connections and haven't reached out to engage in the continued lessons after the weekend OR reflected in partnership with people I love to explore what love is to me/us. I just was floating from an incredible experience and have coasted on those fumes for a few weeks, mainly in isolation. Don't get me wrong, I'm around people ALL the time. Trust. But, being with them and creating space where we care for each other is not what I'm doing as habit or with hard work on my end to open up that invitation. That's about to change today.
Off to get my life right. Love to all of you.
Maureen
Friday, July 15, 2011
Overpacking my schedule
Good morning kittens,
Wow, what a crazy journey I've been on the last week....
Aside from listening to the voices in my head as I take on this sobriety challenge, I also did an intensive two day retreat at Harbin hot springs on Love, Intimacy and Sexuality.
I got home from that Sunday night, jumped into work Monday am and now find myself in Stockton for another intensive 4 days of working with juniors at College Summit (hooray, working with kids! Boo, not taking time to reflect and take care of myself!) and then will have one more work week before I have a couple of days of rest, recovery and reflection.
One of the pieces of feedback I've gotten from people before is that it always seems like I have so much on my plate, which can be inspiring to some and to others overwhelming (like I take on too much) and in my mind I've realized that I keep "learning" how much I need personal time to do the 3 R's after I book an intensive anything (work travel, personal courses, vacation with family/friends, etc.) and I find myself wondering this morning why I rarely apply that lesson.
One of the most amazing take aways I got from this weekend was how often I have acted out of obligation (in intimacy, relationships, profession, etc.) at the expense of my self care. I promise I'll write more on that later (once I have some 3R time! LOL), but I just noticed that part of totally being at choice in the world, every minute of every day, means I have to choose me in order to authentically choose freely, not out of obligation.
So, I'm off to shower in the dorms here (ha!) and head out to work with the youngsters. I'm so grateful for clarity, the abundance of love in humanity and for each day of this journey I get to live.
Love, and thank you for listening....
Maureen
Wow, what a crazy journey I've been on the last week....
Aside from listening to the voices in my head as I take on this sobriety challenge, I also did an intensive two day retreat at Harbin hot springs on Love, Intimacy and Sexuality.
I got home from that Sunday night, jumped into work Monday am and now find myself in Stockton for another intensive 4 days of working with juniors at College Summit (hooray, working with kids! Boo, not taking time to reflect and take care of myself!) and then will have one more work week before I have a couple of days of rest, recovery and reflection.
One of the pieces of feedback I've gotten from people before is that it always seems like I have so much on my plate, which can be inspiring to some and to others overwhelming (like I take on too much) and in my mind I've realized that I keep "learning" how much I need personal time to do the 3 R's after I book an intensive anything (work travel, personal courses, vacation with family/friends, etc.) and I find myself wondering this morning why I rarely apply that lesson.
One of the most amazing take aways I got from this weekend was how often I have acted out of obligation (in intimacy, relationships, profession, etc.) at the expense of my self care. I promise I'll write more on that later (once I have some 3R time! LOL), but I just noticed that part of totally being at choice in the world, every minute of every day, means I have to choose me in order to authentically choose freely, not out of obligation.
So, I'm off to shower in the dorms here (ha!) and head out to work with the youngsters. I'm so grateful for clarity, the abundance of love in humanity and for each day of this journey I get to live.
Love, and thank you for listening....
Maureen
Friday, July 8, 2011
Day three into four
Day 3 was cool.....long work day, then in the evening I found myself wanting to get a glass of wine with friends. When I reminded myself that that wasn't an option, I took a second to see what I was feeling and experiencing that made me want to go do that. It was loneliness. Not overwhelming loneliness, but it was there....so, I noted that and promised myself I'd cop to it today in the blog.
I still sought out hanging with friends to get a bite to eat, but that didn't work itself out so I came home, ate dinner and had a great convo with a great friend for a while.
Went to bed early and was up again on my own by 6 am. I did wake up with a little bit of a headache which is a pain in the ass, but I wonder if it's because I indulged in fried chicken which I never eat, and rarely eat chicken period these days. I did notice that when I said no in my head to the alcohol, that I did want to get comfort food instead. Nothing wrong with that, but I'm noticing it for sure.....
Still paying attention to the voices and choices...have a great day!
I still sought out hanging with friends to get a bite to eat, but that didn't work itself out so I came home, ate dinner and had a great convo with a great friend for a while.
Went to bed early and was up again on my own by 6 am. I did wake up with a little bit of a headache which is a pain in the ass, but I wonder if it's because I indulged in fried chicken which I never eat, and rarely eat chicken period these days. I did notice that when I said no in my head to the alcohol, that I did want to get comfort food instead. Nothing wrong with that, but I'm noticing it for sure.....
Still paying attention to the voices and choices...have a great day!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Day 2 into 3
Good morning! I woke up on my own, wide awake and ready to take on the day at 5.30 am (ten minutes before my abnormally early alarm was scheduled for a boot camp class) and realized I had made the critical mistake of sleeping on my stomach. Now, no matter how great my new bed is (and it really is great), sleeping on my stomach is the KISS OF DEATH for my lower back. Blah, blah, blah....I used that as an excuse to skip boot camp class. *I made up a ton of other reasons too (car in shop, taking the truck is too much gas, I'll be too sore for this 3 day class I'm taking this weekend, etc.) and it was really interesting to watch how so much of me was ready and prepared to focus more on my health but I found several good reasons (I'm really good at creating ones that give me permission to not work out) to NOT honor my commitment to my body.
I'm of the belief that my insecurities (I'm not good enough) are often at the root of my getting in the way of myself. I try the mantra "I am good enough" to move me when I want to play lazy, or find reasons to dodge what I know is good for me. This am, that didn't work to help me overcome the back pain that stopped me from boot camp, but it DID help me to not go back to sleep, get up, stretch, blog and plan to at least go on a hike by 7 am.
Yesterday, I noticed that I did lots of great things for myself with ease. I walked with my friend Denise, had a really productive work day, drank LOTS of water (and if you know me that's CRAZY), didn't eat after 7 (although I really, really wanted to) and went to sleep in silence (usually, I have to have a show on the laptop to sleep.) These are baby steps for me....and I'm really proud of myself for sticking to being good enough to live a healthy and fulfilling life. I don't know if sobriety has me more easily being able to make better choices, or if I'm able to recognize self destructive behavior and interrupt it OR if I'm just having a good week. Either way, day 2 was a great day. I was able to focus on my mind, body, heart and spirit. Balance is lovely.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Sobriety
Well, I've taken some time to reflect and reground after the last time you heard from me. I'm planning a pretty big year...looking to get published in some journals or maybe even write a book! I'm also looking to work in the policy field to learn more about how a movement becomes law. All that this year (July 2011-July 2012) before I reapply to Harvard's Ed.L.D. program next year. So...as I shared this, a dear friend suggested I consider doing that sober. Not to say there's a problem or anything (although people know I like to party), but she suggested I consider that what I'm up to is like training for the Olympics and how I might treat my body and mind.
For whatever reason, this really resonated with me.....so, as of July 5th I've taken on the personal challenge of ONE YEAR SOBER (at least).
I'm doing this not only for the physical and mental clarity as I take on bigger things in my professional life, but I'm also taking on balance in all areas:
My commitment to the profession is my mind
My relationships are my heart
My physical health is my body
My overall well being is my spirit.
So, if I create this compass if you will, with these quadrants, to navigate balance, fulfillment and success~I have a lot to work on.
I'll post more later as I engage in these areas and how being sober is allowing me to notice when the voices in my head want me to run...but for now, I'll just say that I had a first date last night and it was interesting watching how my nervous energy manifested. I appreciated clarity and I appreciated watching how my insecurities became negative and wanted me to close off. And, I didn't.
Here's to day 2!
Cheers,
Maureen
For whatever reason, this really resonated with me.....so, as of July 5th I've taken on the personal challenge of ONE YEAR SOBER (at least).
I'm doing this not only for the physical and mental clarity as I take on bigger things in my professional life, but I'm also taking on balance in all areas:
My commitment to the profession is my mind
My relationships are my heart
My physical health is my body
My overall well being is my spirit.
So, if I create this compass if you will, with these quadrants, to navigate balance, fulfillment and success~I have a lot to work on.
I'll post more later as I engage in these areas and how being sober is allowing me to notice when the voices in my head want me to run...but for now, I'll just say that I had a first date last night and it was interesting watching how my nervous energy manifested. I appreciated clarity and I appreciated watching how my insecurities became negative and wanted me to close off. And, I didn't.
Here's to day 2!
Cheers,
Maureen
Monday, April 18, 2011
The power (and importance) of rest, recovery and reflection
In the past two weeks I've remembered that when I overcram my calendar, start to have back pains, drink a couple of glasses of wine EVERY night to sleep and stop exercising~all while under the impression that I'm not stressed, everything's fine and I've got it all handled~ I'm full of shit. And, I can act like that for a few months (which I did between December and February.)
REST and RECOVERY- Firstly, having my dear friends Sonya and Denise live with me for the past three months has helped me snap out of that phase (temporarily) because I took daily time to chat about what I was stressed about AND could see elements of my own stress in what they were dealing with, so I had space to reflect and laugh. But, as soon as they left recently, I immediately went back into the same pattern as before...and I felt sad, depressed and isolated (but crazy busy!) I love it when that happens....being isolated while completely slammed. It's my own trick to prolong my suffering and fool me into thinking I'm not acting alone. But I am...I'm completely conspiring against myself in the search to feel good enough, and not "need" others. I hate it when that sneaks up on me.
Secondly, for the first time in 8 years my back went out last weekend. And for the life of me, I couldn't figure out how I had hurt it. My great friend and colleague Glenn, challenged me to consider that something was stressing me out and that my body was trying to force me to rest. I went down the list of things I'm dealing with (all from an "I'M NOT STRESSED AT ALL, HE'S CRAZY" lens): Moving our company office into a new location, launching the registration website and new logo for our huge Summit in the fall, managing three partners and internal company folks to succeed on that deadline, selling my house, ramping up for the biggest year of my life and taking on having a series of important conversations with someone I've been dating on and off for over 5 years....and all of that while the normal work day and life's stuff continued at the same pace. It was good to laugh about how ridiculous that was, and to take the time to recover from that over the weekend (albeit in several hour chunks and early bed times, not a concentrated few days off.)
REFLECTION- For me, trying to keep busy, organized and act like I have it all together is a sign that I'm overwhelmed and in need of help. What I know now (again and again) is when I see those signs, it's time to rest, recover and reflect - but that reflection piece cannot be done alone, it must be done with my communities AND while resting and recovering.
Yesterday, I woke up and realized that while I have a fortunate life and ability to be creative and flexible with my schedule, I hadn't taken time away from work for more than 2-3 days around a weekend since November. And, usually I don't take the weekend to check in on work things. So, while I reflect all the time, I don't do that with rest and relaxation happening.
And, while I take chunks of time to rest and recover (due to the fact that I have a pattern of driving myself to the brink of exhaustion), I don't do that to reflect or strategically build it into my lovely color coded calendar. I should anticipate that I will need extended time off to do all three-rest, recover and reflect.
So, I'm out on Friday. Off to spend time with family and friends at an undisclosed location. I will rest, recover and reflect with others to come back renewed and ready to launch an INCREDIBLE year!
All love, and more soon....
Maureen
REST and RECOVERY- Firstly, having my dear friends Sonya and Denise live with me for the past three months has helped me snap out of that phase (temporarily) because I took daily time to chat about what I was stressed about AND could see elements of my own stress in what they were dealing with, so I had space to reflect and laugh. But, as soon as they left recently, I immediately went back into the same pattern as before...and I felt sad, depressed and isolated (but crazy busy!) I love it when that happens....being isolated while completely slammed. It's my own trick to prolong my suffering and fool me into thinking I'm not acting alone. But I am...I'm completely conspiring against myself in the search to feel good enough, and not "need" others. I hate it when that sneaks up on me.
Secondly, for the first time in 8 years my back went out last weekend. And for the life of me, I couldn't figure out how I had hurt it. My great friend and colleague Glenn, challenged me to consider that something was stressing me out and that my body was trying to force me to rest. I went down the list of things I'm dealing with (all from an "I'M NOT STRESSED AT ALL, HE'S CRAZY" lens): Moving our company office into a new location, launching the registration website and new logo for our huge Summit in the fall, managing three partners and internal company folks to succeed on that deadline, selling my house, ramping up for the biggest year of my life and taking on having a series of important conversations with someone I've been dating on and off for over 5 years....and all of that while the normal work day and life's stuff continued at the same pace. It was good to laugh about how ridiculous that was, and to take the time to recover from that over the weekend (albeit in several hour chunks and early bed times, not a concentrated few days off.)
REFLECTION- For me, trying to keep busy, organized and act like I have it all together is a sign that I'm overwhelmed and in need of help. What I know now (again and again) is when I see those signs, it's time to rest, recover and reflect - but that reflection piece cannot be done alone, it must be done with my communities AND while resting and recovering.
Yesterday, I woke up and realized that while I have a fortunate life and ability to be creative and flexible with my schedule, I hadn't taken time away from work for more than 2-3 days around a weekend since November. And, usually I don't take the weekend to check in on work things. So, while I reflect all the time, I don't do that with rest and relaxation happening.
And, while I take chunks of time to rest and recover (due to the fact that I have a pattern of driving myself to the brink of exhaustion), I don't do that to reflect or strategically build it into my lovely color coded calendar. I should anticipate that I will need extended time off to do all three-rest, recover and reflect.
So, I'm out on Friday. Off to spend time with family and friends at an undisclosed location. I will rest, recover and reflect with others to come back renewed and ready to launch an INCREDIBLE year!
All love, and more soon....
Maureen
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Crippling guilt OR Confessions of a Racist Anti-Racist.
I've been on a kick the last two years exploring the complexity of engaging the world from a place of non judgment. Now, that's completely counter-intuitive to my experience of the catholic layers of my upbringing AND very different from how I experience a framework for conflict (aka transformation, change or reform) in the majority of my lived experiences from early childhood until now. That being said, because it feels hard and right, I'm into trying it. (*Do not insert a "that's what she said" joke here. Or do, but you don't get to judge me for putting it in your head! This is a blog about non judgment- pbbbt.)
There are many places in my life that this practice is relevant and trying. And, if I'm being honest, of the many places I've tried this most, I've practiced it in my profession as an educator focused on equity in education. And...where I've tried it least is in my relationships. So, I'm MUCH better at it in my job than I am with my friends, loved ones and family. And, still I try.
Since most of my experience is in the realm of my work focused on racial equity, where I've been really digging deeply is in the impact of guilt in my white racial identity development and in my willingness to engage in any kind of transformation. I remember a time a few years ago where I was completely dumbfounded at the honesty of my thoughts when I was open to hearing (not denying) what crossed my mind. I was in the first day of Beyond Diversity (the second time I took it, almost 6 years after taking it the first time) as the principal of a small school with a mostly white faculty and desperately interested in learning how to better engage us all in Courageous Conversations about Race (as the curriculum teaches us) so that we could better serve our 99% students of color. At some point in the day, Glenn (who was leading the course for us) talked about the importance of focusing on Black Boys in our work, as they were the most underserved. I had a visceral, fully physical, emotional and mental response. A response that I almost ignored AND once I took a second listen to, paralyzed me with shock and fear. I said to myself in my head (in a "duh" kind of tone) "That's because they are the lowest common denominator." And I froze. Who said that?! Where the fuck did that come from? My heart began to experience nausea and the horror I felt permeated every place I had nerves with numbness. I don't remember what happened after that, but on a break Glenn asked me if I could take leadership in the next activity, and I remember saying something to the effect that I was freaking out about some thoughts that just came through my head and couldn't handle that. *Note, disengagement.
We got through the day and life went on. But the realization that those voices were in my head, those thoughts about black boys a framing, yet subtle and immediate response and the fact that this thought had almost stealthily passed by me as I engaged in work to dismantle that which is the cause for racial disparities made me question my own ability and authenticity as an "anti-racist" educator. Confronting that thought began a painful chapter in my journey on several levels. Firstly, I questioned whether I should be doing this and I considered quitting. Secondly, the thought of not quitting made me want to focus on all the other elements of systemic racism that were not me because
a. there are many
b. they are not me
Looking at me was too painful, and I could barely stomach the courage to get back in the game, let alone be vulnerable with others and engage community in helping me to deconstruct and dismantle MY racist thoughts and actions.
*Note, when I say racist I refer to one who operates in normalized whiteness (which forces those that operate in non whiteness to assimilate or be rejected) and/or with a white supremacist lens.
I realized there's a layer (not an end) to white racial identity development that is grounded in consciousness....and I can see how easy it is to be stuck in a place of identifying as "conscious" to racism in America and even "committed" to interrupting it by participating in many of the systems that perpetuate it. Why? Well, there's a lot to focus on and it's way more fun to dismantle anyone or anything that's not me. PLUS, I get tons of credit (by community members, friends, parents, students, other teachers) for being conscious and it's easy to get a bunch of other conscious people focused on those that aren't conscious as a way of deflecting the painful dismantling of the self. I became more dangerous than those actions/policies/educators that were blatantly racist. Being stuck in the state of "conscious" without digging into my own responsibility for where I contributed to normalizing whiteness and perpetuating systemic racism made me covert. MORE dangerous than conspicuous people or acts, I must own how I slowed down progress in this work and that I am responsible for incremental change around me, but very little within me.
I had been stuck in a place of consciousness, commitment and engaged in reforming the system that I held accountable for a long time. That voice who had been trained to operate from a belief system founded in racism had been there, through all of my 10 years in Oakland...but I hadn't listened for it, because I had my surround sound consciousness headphones on. I was so wrong. I finally got that transformation of the system had to begin in my personal transformation. In every place I engaged, I had to do so from a place of owning my own normalized perpetuation of this system so that I could interrupt me, then not me. It doesn't work the other way around.
*And, by the way, I'm a fan of infiltrating the system to reform it. That theory of action is very different from many of my friends and colleagues, but it's one I believe deeply in.
Great. So now what? I confronted ONE real thought (not even my own policies, actions and my many other beliefs) from a place of being stuck in the consciousness stage of my development and I was CRIPPLED with guilt, shame, fear. Some of you might say, "Oh well. Suck it up, I'm uncomfortable every day." And, yes. Part of really engaging is sucking it up. But, the other part of it was more than just mustering up the strength and courage to get back in it and call my own self out (and create space for others to do so effectively). It's also asking "how can I do that when I'm frozen, numb, petrified at what I might discover about me?"
When I tell you, in the many instances that I've confronted my own racism, how CRIPPLING it is to be honest about my own responsibility in what I claim to abhor is, I want you to hear it. Crippling-- where telling me to just get the fuck up out of the wheel chair and walk down the block is stupid kind of crippling. I react in many different ways to feeling crippled, too. I can freeze and check out. I can get loud, because I think you're talking down to me...so I get loud to overcompensate for my insecurity hoping my volume will distract us from the content. I can get defensive, because I feel small...so I need to attack or be attacked. I can be sad, and cry....which can get all of you to focus on taking care of me, and (again) distract from the issue. I can go to a topic I know well, because its a strong suit of mine....so I can get us back to a topic that feels safe for me. Doing all of those things means I get to not walk the walk, so I stay crippled without getting at the root of what's paralyzing me. And, it means that black boys in America continue to die, go to prison and be underserved by our educational system in ways that we should be ashamed of ourselves. Except here's the thing...if it's the being ashamed of myself that is the cause of my paralysis (*read: my lack of deeply engaging in dismantling racism), then how can I engage in interrupting myself, then the system from a place of not feeling ashamed?
So...the work of practicing non judgment began a few years ago, and its been received in a WIDE variety of ways. It starts with a simple mantra - "Nothing's wrong." Most people freak out when I share that. We've operated for so long in judgment, that to consider (just consider!) this statement as a way to deepen our exploration of what's occurring is absurd and has been cause for many arguments with my colleagues, friends, family.
This is quickly followed by the second sentence to the mantra, "And, we have to look at what's working and not working." So, in a minute I have some questions for you...but first, let me share that this mantra is not a truth. It's a tool to help us engage in a powerful, personal way that I believe will be the root of rapid transformation. It's a way to move guilt out of the way and engage in the dismantling.
To be honest, I feel conflicted about this on some levels. On one hand, naming that I am a participant in a system that has CLEARLY been responsible for such racial disparities in achievement and opportunity makes me sick. I've been to way too many funerals, cried over too many kids that we weren't able to keep engaged in school and written letters to too many judges overseeing children's cases where their lives are about to follow the path the system has laid out for them to easily accept my role in being part of the cause. And, believe this....practicing non judgment does not mean I REST EASY WITH THAT. The problem is (while I never forget these children) when I feel sick about it I go to the place of feeling powerless, inadequate and crippled. I'm no good to the cause then...so how can I engage?
The other thing to remember is that I've been trained to think using a racist lens my whole life, by media, society, and lived experience. I MUST spend the rest of my life re-training myself and being on the watch for when systemic racism comes through me. That realization makes me believe that the only thing I should feel responsible for is engaging in that, not disengaging it in by letting guilt overtake me. In fact, the way I see it, the only deplorable action is NON action. (*There's tons of quotes about this, so not trying to take credit for this concept.)
The other thing to remember is that I've been trained to think using a racist lens my whole life, by media, society, and lived experience. I MUST spend the rest of my life re-training myself and being on the watch for when systemic racism comes through me. That realization makes me believe that the only thing I should feel responsible for is engaging in that, not disengaging it in by letting guilt overtake me. In fact, the way I see it, the only deplorable action is NON action. (*There's tons of quotes about this, so not trying to take credit for this concept.)
But, even that statement had judgment...so if I see me/you NOT acting, and I believe that to be deplorable, how can I engage me/you effectively in interrupting that? So, I rephrase that...the only ineffective action is non action. See how it works? One way to look at is is as if nothing's wrong with non action, it just doesn't work. Now, people are (perhaps) better able to talk about the root of the inaction and break that apart. I'm much more willing and able to do that when I'm not feeling judged (which by the way, if I'm really being honest, YOU could not possibly judge me more than me.)
With that...here are my guiding questions. What comes up for you as you read this? What experiences can you reflect on that connect to the guiding questions? What do you love/hate/agree/disagree with about what I've shared? What questions do you have?
Thanks for listening....all love,
Maureen
*These questions were written by me as I went into a course to deepen our exploration of whiteness as a normalized way of being, but I invite you to try them on for you (all people, regardless of skin color) and see what comes up.
1. How can I deepen my commitment to practice engaging in racial equity work from a place of non judgment WITHOUT reducing accountability in myself and in others?
2. How can I NOT fall into slowing my development or absolving myself of the need to deepen my interruption of my own whiteness when I'm perceived by some as somewhat of an "expert"? *note, I feel COMPLETELY weird saying and writing that AND I kind of do this for a living, so that's what my experience is- not the truth.
3. Where is the presence and role of whiteness in my practicing non judgment?
Saturday, March 12, 2011
I got what I asked for.....damn, intentions are powerful.
Well,
As many of you know it has been a long, crazy process for me to apply to Harvard's new program to get a doctorate in Educational Leadership. Putting aside the rigor of the application (essays, compiling letters, resume, the GRE, etc.), what I really learned was how important AND difficult it is to engage community in ANY kind of transformation. I don't just mean transformation in our neighborhoods or our country where including community seems obvious. I mean PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION. None of us can do it alone, even though sometimes it feels easier or like it's the only way. I took on being good enough this year. And, I needed all of you to help me with that.
In my head I am always fighting with all kinds of voices that tell me I'm not good enough, smart enough, or capable enough. I hate those voices, but often they drive me to prove them wrong (always the rebellious teenager!) and they were on full blast from June through December 2010 while I went through this process. I knew that I had to say out loud what I was up to in order to have other voices outside of my head cheer me on. So, I talked about this publicly and engaged people to be on my "team Harvard." You, my community, were amazing....you cheered me on, checked to make sure I was handling my business, helped me think about concepts for my application, and physically helped me edit (about 18 of you!) those damn essays! For that, I'm forever grateful. What you did mostly, that I cannot ever sufficiently express my appreciation for, is that you listened to me and stood by me as I created the possibility of something transformative for myself and for our country. Your listening to my creation of a HUGE possibility was so powerful. Saying it to you made it real. Your listening created a belief that it was not only possible, but probable. What I know is true, is that without my community hearing me, believing in me and holding me to something extraordinary, is that I would not have accomplished what I set out to accomplish.
I know this because throughout this process I was afraid, insecure, unsure and wanted to quit more times than I can count. Had I not shared what I was up to and had you not listened to me with love and faith, I would have. The voices in my head would have won...and, thankfully, your voices were louder and more consistent.
I was shocked and overwhelmed when I was invited to interview for this program. Out of well over a thousand applications (maybe 2, 000), they chose 53 to interview. I booked the plane ticket and told my friends and family. Your love was amazing.....getting to that level has been one of the most unreal experiences of my life. I thought, "wow, maybe I am good enough"...but that was temporary.
Something happened in me. If I'm being honest, I stopped engaging community. I mean, I told people what was happening...but several people offered to help me think about what to say, practice, etc. and I kept telling people that I didn't want to over think it, that there wasn't anything I could do to prepare but just practice being grounded (which I did by myself in my head) and just be me. Once I started acting on that, my anxiety grew and grew over the next couple of weeks. I went from believing in myself (that I had the interview handled) to compromising all of the work from the past 8 months by NOT engaging my community in helping me to believe in myself, prepare for the interview and remember what I'm committed to in my personal transformation and in the transformation I want to take on in education in the United States.
The days leading up to the interview were some of the most painful and anxiety filled I've had in years. I spoke to a few people before I left, but I was just expressing anxiety and how I'd address it. I wasn't open to having my community BE with me. I thought "if Harvard is going to take me, they're going to take me as I am...great and imperfect", and what I did was use that as an excuse to honor those voices that told me I wasn't good enough. Now, I know there's a balance of being real and authentic with playing the game. And, I could fool a lot of you into thinking that I played that game. Real talk, I didn't. Had I really believed I was good enough going into that interview, I would have nailed it.
I won't share the details of the interview, but I'll simply say that I wasn't my best. I was great and all....I mean, c'mon. :) But, it wasn't solid. I didn't blow anyone away. And afterwards, I started critiquing the interview process....and I was angry at some things and one person. I started making excuses for how flawed their process was and grasped on to hope that I'd skated through. Then, I was nauseous for 8 days straight. I couldn't sleep, I was furious at myself, at them and suddenly it MATTERED if I got in or not. As if that would tell me that I'm good enough. Yesterday I found out I didn't get in. And, you know how I felt? Relieved. Seriously, it validated all the voices and gave me a moment to go to where I'm comfortable. I don't feel bad about it and I do feel accomplished. And, I'm going to try again. But, relief? Weird, right?
And, then I remembered last June one morning with my girl Denise Jolly on my porch. We set intentions for the year and the one I said was "I want to turn in an application that's competitive. I want it to be good enough to get me the interview." Well, I got what I asked for. I got as far as I set the intention to get me and I stopped. What was flawed about that intention? I didn't start from a place that honored what I'm capable of in what I want to do in education. I started from a place of deficiency as if the competitive application was the victory. It wasn't. And...DAMN. I got EXACTLY WHAT I ASKED FOR. Shit, that was almost easy now that I think about it. What stopped me was myself.
So.....now what?
Well, given that I believe in being loud and proud in my community about what I'm up to and my struggles, I start by sharing this experience. Then, I create a new possibility that I ask you all to stand with me in.
What I'm up to in the world is engaging the country in a conversation (and ultimately policy change) that has the US compensate and prepare our teachers like we do doctors. I want us to honor the profession of teaching and its complexities in a way we never have because our country, teachers and kids deserve it. We have a lot of work to do so that we have the BEST TEACHERS IN THE WORLD to serve our amazing students. All of them, equitably. Now, that doesn't mean we don't have some of the best PEOPLE in the world in classrooms...I'm just saying that what we pay teachers and the level of training and development we get is WAY below par and it sends a message to our teachers and kids that they aren't good enough. We are, they are and if we believe that we must send the most extraordinary, developed teachers into classrooms and keep supporting them to be their ABSOLUTE best by paying them one of the highest salaries, offering continued development and giving them the resources they need to make every class the most powerful learning experience of a child's life. That's a lot of work.
So, how does Harvard fit in? Well, its ONE way for me to learn more about education, economics and policy development (this particular program is a joint program between those three graduate schools) so that I can figure out how to best engage the country in this shift.
Harvard is also NOT the only way to do that....so, what I'm up to now is applying again. BUT, I'm also going to take the lessons I got from this gift of the application process and interview (they gave me GREAT info on areas to focus on) and create a huge action plan where I can learn more, get more experience in and engage with more community around this concept. This means improving my writing, expanding my learning in this area, AND CONTINUING TO KEEP MY COMMUNITY ENGAGED IN MY PERSONAL STRUGGLE WITH TRANSFORMATION.
I'm asking you to hold me to account. How's my learning going? What have I written lately? How's the application going? What personal struggles have I been faced with and what am I doing about that? How can you help (and don't let me let you off the hook!)?What new lessons can I share? What new experiences have I taken on?
I'm asking you to consider where you have sold yourself short and share with me...BUT MAKE ME SHARE RIGHT BACK WITH YOU, or else I'll focus on you and that's also easy for me. :)
I'm a firm believer in the concept "you don't always get what you want, but you get what you need."
Well, in this case I got both. I realize how powerful intentions are and how careful I have to be in creating them without selling myself short.
And, I needed this....what a gift this lesson has been. What a gift you are.
Today, I'm the luckiest person I know.
All love, all the time.
As many of you know it has been a long, crazy process for me to apply to Harvard's new program to get a doctorate in Educational Leadership. Putting aside the rigor of the application (essays, compiling letters, resume, the GRE, etc.), what I really learned was how important AND difficult it is to engage community in ANY kind of transformation. I don't just mean transformation in our neighborhoods or our country where including community seems obvious. I mean PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION. None of us can do it alone, even though sometimes it feels easier or like it's the only way. I took on being good enough this year. And, I needed all of you to help me with that.
In my head I am always fighting with all kinds of voices that tell me I'm not good enough, smart enough, or capable enough. I hate those voices, but often they drive me to prove them wrong (always the rebellious teenager!) and they were on full blast from June through December 2010 while I went through this process. I knew that I had to say out loud what I was up to in order to have other voices outside of my head cheer me on. So, I talked about this publicly and engaged people to be on my "team Harvard." You, my community, were amazing....you cheered me on, checked to make sure I was handling my business, helped me think about concepts for my application, and physically helped me edit (about 18 of you!) those damn essays! For that, I'm forever grateful. What you did mostly, that I cannot ever sufficiently express my appreciation for, is that you listened to me and stood by me as I created the possibility of something transformative for myself and for our country. Your listening to my creation of a HUGE possibility was so powerful. Saying it to you made it real. Your listening created a belief that it was not only possible, but probable. What I know is true, is that without my community hearing me, believing in me and holding me to something extraordinary, is that I would not have accomplished what I set out to accomplish.
I know this because throughout this process I was afraid, insecure, unsure and wanted to quit more times than I can count. Had I not shared what I was up to and had you not listened to me with love and faith, I would have. The voices in my head would have won...and, thankfully, your voices were louder and more consistent.
I was shocked and overwhelmed when I was invited to interview for this program. Out of well over a thousand applications (maybe 2, 000), they chose 53 to interview. I booked the plane ticket and told my friends and family. Your love was amazing.....getting to that level has been one of the most unreal experiences of my life. I thought, "wow, maybe I am good enough"...but that was temporary.
Something happened in me. If I'm being honest, I stopped engaging community. I mean, I told people what was happening...but several people offered to help me think about what to say, practice, etc. and I kept telling people that I didn't want to over think it, that there wasn't anything I could do to prepare but just practice being grounded (which I did by myself in my head) and just be me. Once I started acting on that, my anxiety grew and grew over the next couple of weeks. I went from believing in myself (that I had the interview handled) to compromising all of the work from the past 8 months by NOT engaging my community in helping me to believe in myself, prepare for the interview and remember what I'm committed to in my personal transformation and in the transformation I want to take on in education in the United States.
The days leading up to the interview were some of the most painful and anxiety filled I've had in years. I spoke to a few people before I left, but I was just expressing anxiety and how I'd address it. I wasn't open to having my community BE with me. I thought "if Harvard is going to take me, they're going to take me as I am...great and imperfect", and what I did was use that as an excuse to honor those voices that told me I wasn't good enough. Now, I know there's a balance of being real and authentic with playing the game. And, I could fool a lot of you into thinking that I played that game. Real talk, I didn't. Had I really believed I was good enough going into that interview, I would have nailed it.
I won't share the details of the interview, but I'll simply say that I wasn't my best. I was great and all....I mean, c'mon. :) But, it wasn't solid. I didn't blow anyone away. And afterwards, I started critiquing the interview process....and I was angry at some things and one person. I started making excuses for how flawed their process was and grasped on to hope that I'd skated through. Then, I was nauseous for 8 days straight. I couldn't sleep, I was furious at myself, at them and suddenly it MATTERED if I got in or not. As if that would tell me that I'm good enough. Yesterday I found out I didn't get in. And, you know how I felt? Relieved. Seriously, it validated all the voices and gave me a moment to go to where I'm comfortable. I don't feel bad about it and I do feel accomplished. And, I'm going to try again. But, relief? Weird, right?
And, then I remembered last June one morning with my girl Denise Jolly on my porch. We set intentions for the year and the one I said was "I want to turn in an application that's competitive. I want it to be good enough to get me the interview." Well, I got what I asked for. I got as far as I set the intention to get me and I stopped. What was flawed about that intention? I didn't start from a place that honored what I'm capable of in what I want to do in education. I started from a place of deficiency as if the competitive application was the victory. It wasn't. And...DAMN. I got EXACTLY WHAT I ASKED FOR. Shit, that was almost easy now that I think about it. What stopped me was myself.
So.....now what?
Well, given that I believe in being loud and proud in my community about what I'm up to and my struggles, I start by sharing this experience. Then, I create a new possibility that I ask you all to stand with me in.
What I'm up to in the world is engaging the country in a conversation (and ultimately policy change) that has the US compensate and prepare our teachers like we do doctors. I want us to honor the profession of teaching and its complexities in a way we never have because our country, teachers and kids deserve it. We have a lot of work to do so that we have the BEST TEACHERS IN THE WORLD to serve our amazing students. All of them, equitably. Now, that doesn't mean we don't have some of the best PEOPLE in the world in classrooms...I'm just saying that what we pay teachers and the level of training and development we get is WAY below par and it sends a message to our teachers and kids that they aren't good enough. We are, they are and if we believe that we must send the most extraordinary, developed teachers into classrooms and keep supporting them to be their ABSOLUTE best by paying them one of the highest salaries, offering continued development and giving them the resources they need to make every class the most powerful learning experience of a child's life. That's a lot of work.
So, how does Harvard fit in? Well, its ONE way for me to learn more about education, economics and policy development (this particular program is a joint program between those three graduate schools) so that I can figure out how to best engage the country in this shift.
Harvard is also NOT the only way to do that....so, what I'm up to now is applying again. BUT, I'm also going to take the lessons I got from this gift of the application process and interview (they gave me GREAT info on areas to focus on) and create a huge action plan where I can learn more, get more experience in and engage with more community around this concept. This means improving my writing, expanding my learning in this area, AND CONTINUING TO KEEP MY COMMUNITY ENGAGED IN MY PERSONAL STRUGGLE WITH TRANSFORMATION.
I'm asking you to hold me to account. How's my learning going? What have I written lately? How's the application going? What personal struggles have I been faced with and what am I doing about that? How can you help (and don't let me let you off the hook!)?What new lessons can I share? What new experiences have I taken on?
I'm asking you to consider where you have sold yourself short and share with me...BUT MAKE ME SHARE RIGHT BACK WITH YOU, or else I'll focus on you and that's also easy for me. :)
I'm a firm believer in the concept "you don't always get what you want, but you get what you need."
Well, in this case I got both. I realize how powerful intentions are and how careful I have to be in creating them without selling myself short.
And, I needed this....what a gift this lesson has been. What a gift you are.
Today, I'm the luckiest person I know.
All love, all the time.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)