Crippling guilt OR Confessions of a Racist Anti-Racist.

I've been on a kick the last two years exploring the complexity of engaging the world from a place of non judgment.  Now, that's completely counter-intuitive to my experience of the catholic layers of my upbringing AND very different from how I experience a framework for conflict (aka transformation, change or reform) in the majority of my lived experiences from early childhood until now.  That being said, because it feels hard and right, I'm into trying it.  (*Do not insert a "that's what she said" joke here. Or do, but you don't get to judge me for putting it in your head!  This is a blog about non judgment- pbbbt.)

There are many places in my life that this practice is relevant and trying.  And, if I'm being honest, of the many places I've tried this most, I've practiced it in my profession as an educator focused on equity in education.  And...where I've tried it least is in my relationships.  So, I'm MUCH better at it in my job than I am with my friends, loved ones and family.  And, still I try.  

Since most of my experience is in the realm of my work focused on racial equity, where I've been really digging deeply is in the impact of guilt in my white racial identity development and in my willingness to engage in any kind of transformation.  I remember a time a few years ago where I was completely dumbfounded at the honesty of my thoughts when I was open to hearing (not denying) what crossed my mind. I was in the first day of Beyond Diversity (the second time I took it, almost 6 years after taking it the first time) as the principal of a small school with a mostly white faculty and desperately interested in learning how to better engage us all in Courageous Conversations about Race (as the curriculum teaches us) so that we could better serve our 99% students of color.  At some point in the day, Glenn (who was leading the course for us) talked about the importance of focusing on Black Boys in our work, as they were the most underserved.  I had a visceral, fully physical, emotional and mental response.  A response that I almost ignored AND once I took a second listen to, paralyzed me with shock and fear. I said to myself in my head (in a "duh" kind of tone) "That's because they are the lowest common denominator." And I froze.  Who said that?!  Where the fuck did that come from?   My heart began to experience nausea and the horror I felt permeated every place I had nerves with numbness.  I don't remember what happened after that, but on a break Glenn asked me if I could take leadership in the next activity, and I remember saying something to the effect that I was freaking out about some thoughts that just came through my head and couldn't handle that.  *Note, disengagement.

We got through the day and life went on.  But the realization that those voices were in my head, those thoughts about black boys a framing, yet subtle and immediate response and the fact that this thought had almost stealthily passed by me as I engaged in work to dismantle that which is the cause for racial disparities made me question my own ability and authenticity as an "anti-racist" educator.  Confronting that thought began a painful chapter in my journey on several levels.  Firstly, I questioned whether I should be doing this and I considered quitting.  Secondly, the thought of not quitting made me want to focus on all the other elements of systemic racism that were not me because 

a. there are many 

b. they are not me

Looking at me was too painful, and I could barely stomach the courage to get back in the game, let alone be vulnerable with others and engage community in helping me to deconstruct and dismantle MY racist thoughts and actions.

*Note, when I say racist I refer to one who operates in normalized whiteness (which forces those that operate in non whiteness to assimilate or be rejected) and/or with a white supremacist lens.

I realized there's a layer (not an end) to white racial identity development that is grounded in consciousness....and I can see how easy it is to be stuck in a place of identifying as "conscious" to racism in America and even "committed" to interrupting it by participating in many of the systems that perpetuate it.  Why? Well, there's a lot to focus on and it's way more fun to dismantle anyone or anything that's not me.  PLUS, I get tons of credit (by community members, friends, parents, students, other teachers) for being conscious and it's easy to get a bunch of other conscious people focused on those that aren't conscious as a way of deflecting the painful dismantling of the self. I became more dangerous than those actions/policies/educators that were blatantly racist.  Being stuck in the state of "conscious" without digging into my own responsibility for where I contributed to normalizing whiteness and perpetuating systemic racism made me covert.  MORE dangerous than conspicuous people or acts, I must own how I slowed down progress in this work and that I am responsible for incremental change around me, but very little within me.

I had been stuck in a place of consciousness, commitment and engaged in reforming the system that I held accountable for a long time.  That voice who had been trained to operate from a belief system founded in racism had been there, through all of my 10 years in Oakland...but I hadn't listened for it, because I had my surround sound consciousness headphones on.  I was so wrong.  I finally got that transformation of the system had to begin in my personal transformation.  In every place I engaged, I had to do so from a place of owning my own normalized perpetuation of this system so that I could interrupt me, then not me.  It doesn't work the other way around.

*And, by the way,  I'm a fan of infiltrating the system to reform it.  That theory of action is very different from many of my friends and colleagues, but it's one I believe deeply in.

Great. So now what?  I confronted ONE real thought (not even my own policies, actions and my many other beliefs) from a place of being stuck in the consciousness stage of my development and I was CRIPPLED with guilt, shame, fear.  Some of you might say, "Oh well. Suck it up, I'm uncomfortable every day." And, yes.  Part of really engaging is sucking it up.  But, the other part of it was more than just mustering up the strength and courage to get back in it and call my own self out (and create space for others to do so effectively). It's also asking "how can I do that when I'm frozen, numb, petrified at what I might discover about me?"  

When I tell you, in the many instances that I've confronted my own racism, how CRIPPLING it is to be honest about my own responsibility in what I claim to abhor is, I want you to hear it. Crippling-- where telling me to just get the fuck up out of the wheel chair and walk down the block is stupid kind of crippling.  I react in many different ways to feeling crippled, too.  I can freeze and check out.  I can get loud, because I think you're talking down to me...so I get loud to overcompensate for my insecurity hoping my volume will distract us from the content.  I can get defensive, because I feel small...so I need to attack or be attacked. I can be sad, and cry....which can get all of you to focus on taking care of me, and (again) distract from the issue.  I can go to a topic I know well, because its a strong suit of mine....so I can get us back to a topic that feels safe for me.  Doing all of those things means I get to not walk the walk, so I stay crippled without getting at the root of what's paralyzing me. And, it means that black boys in America continue to die, go to prison and be underserved by our educational system in ways that we should be ashamed of ourselves. Except here's the thing...if it's the being ashamed of myself that is the cause of my paralysis (*read: my lack of deeply engaging in dismantling racism), then how can I engage in interrupting myself, then the system from a place of not feeling ashamed?

So...the work of practicing non judgment began a few years ago, and its been received in a WIDE variety of ways.  It starts with a simple mantra - "Nothing's wrong."  Most people freak out when I share that.  We've operated for so long in judgment, that to consider (just consider!) this statement as a way to deepen our exploration of what's occurring is absurd and has been cause for many arguments with my colleagues, friends, family.

This is quickly followed by the second sentence to the mantra, "And, we have to look at what's working and not working." So, in a minute I have some questions for you...but first, let me share that this mantra is not a truth.  It's a tool to help us engage in a powerful, personal way that I believe will be the root of rapid transformation.  It's a way to move guilt out of the way and engage in the dismantling.  

To be honest, I feel conflicted about this on some levels.  On one hand, naming that I am a participant in a system that has CLEARLY been responsible for such racial disparities in achievement and opportunity makes me sick.  I've been to way too many funerals, cried over too many kids that we weren't able to keep engaged in school and written letters to too many judges overseeing children's cases where their lives are about to follow the path the system has laid out for them to easily accept my role in being part of the cause.  And, believe this....practicing non judgment does not mean I REST EASY WITH THAT. The problem is (while I never forget these children) when I feel sick about it  I go to the place of feeling powerless, inadequate and crippled.  I'm no good to the cause then...so how can I engage?  
The other thing to remember is that I've been trained to think using a racist lens my whole life, by media, society, and lived experience.  I MUST spend the rest of my life re-training myself and being on the watch for when systemic racism comes through me.  That realization makes me believe that the only thing I should feel responsible for is engaging in that, not disengaging it in by letting guilt overtake me. In fact, the way I see it, the only deplorable action is NON action.  (*There's tons of quotes about this, so not trying to take credit for this concept.)

But, even that statement had judgment...so if I see me/you NOT acting, and I believe that to be deplorable, how can I engage me/you effectively in interrupting that?  So, I rephrase that...the only ineffective action is non action.  See how it works? One way to look at is is as if nothing's wrong with non action, it just doesn't work. Now, people are (perhaps) better able to talk about the root of the inaction and break that apart.  I'm much more willing and able to do that when I'm not feeling judged (which by the way, if I'm really being honest, YOU could not possibly judge me more than me.)

With that...here are my guiding questions.  What comes up for you as you read this?  What experiences can you reflect on that connect to the guiding questions?  What do you love/hate/agree/disagree with about what I've shared?  What questions do you have? 

Thanks for listening....all love, 

Maureen

*These questions were written by me as I went into a course to deepen our exploration of whiteness as a normalized way of being, but I invite you to try them on for you (all people, regardless of skin color) and see what comes up.

1. How can I deepen my commitment to practice engaging in racial equity work from a place of non judgment WITHOUT reducing accountability in myself and in others?

2. How can I NOT fall into slowing my development or absolving myself of the need to deepen my interruption of my own whiteness when I'm perceived by some as somewhat of an "expert"? *note, I feel COMPLETELY weird saying and writing that AND I kind of do this for a living, so that's what my experience is- not the truth.

3. Where is the presence and role of whiteness in my practicing non judgment?