Teacher Tenure Ruled Unconstitutional

First and foremost, as a former high school principal in Oakland, I have to call the "unstoppable" forces of tenure FALSE. I have been able to evaluate bad teachers out or mostly convince them to retire or leave. However, tenure is problematic for a few reasons. I've always said that I'm a big proponent of unions as a theory in our country to protect the rights of workers and ensure fair pay and good working conditions. BUT, that changes significantly when we're moving from talking about the product of the work force going from cars to students. There's a more complicated stake in the game for us to consider and balance. That being said, this is also a MUCH needed victory (this case) to make a case for some of the following governmentally funded initiatives:

1. HIGHER PAY- teachers should be making 6 figures within 5 years. They are executives, treat them as such.

2. HIGHER QUALITY PREPARATION AND ONGOING DEVELOPMENT - treat teachers like doctors, require residency training before issuing credentials, have more authentic assessment and evaluation, develop and implement rigorous standards to maintain a teaching credential instead of just paying a fee every so many arbitrary amount of years.

3. BETTER WORKING CONDITIONS- like in Finland and Sweden where teachers teach 12-15 hours per week and have the rest of the time to prepare, plan, assess, engage with students or families or professional development. 

I'm glad this court case came down. We need to have some leverage that calls out the lack of prestige and honor for our teaching profession. If having bad teachers in the classroom is a violation of student rights, then we DAMN well better prepare, compensate, continually develop and retain excellent teachers.

Finally, the fundamental problem (and how this ruling is inherently perpetuating racism and classism, despite the good intentions) is that it demonstrates Interest Convergence (a tenant in critical race theory) where NO ONE cared about this until privileged people invested money to show how this was directly causing an economic burden and legal liability for the state. Until then, TFA has been RAMPANTLY increasing (well intentioned but woefully unprepared teachers that demonstrate a huge lack of retention--70% in the first 5 years) and we've had decades of the most marginalized communities with a revolving door of the most inexperienced (and often ineffective) teachers in the country. This ruling is a start. I'm glad for it. Sad for the origin, but glad for the impact.

*Response to:

The War on Teacher Tenure

• Haley Sweetland Edwards / Cupertino, Calif.
 

Oct. 30, 2014

Maureen's Mayoral Analysis

2015 Mayoral Race in Oakland

The time is now.

Oakland is at a critical time in our history. We’re a booming town facing rapid opportunities from economic and cultural development yet facing a crippling gentrification process that further marginalizes an already tragically oppressed population (black, brown and poor.) We have a golden opportunity here….to radically transform and interrupt the patterns of colonization in gentrification by embracing Oakland’s rich heritage of strength and revolution on behalf of the people that can powerfully support the marginalized in the process of capitalizing on this unique and rare time in our history.  This is a time that we may never see again if we are reckless while the city is being accessed by those (many with good intentions) with financial power and privilege.  The combination of the opportunities in housing, development, retail, education, community organizing to be a model for interrupting systemic oppression, uplifting the historically marginalized and elevating all of Oakland in a way that represents the magic that is in this town is upon us.  We need leadership that has the will to lead with deep cultural competency, is intelligent enough to honor the layers of complexity in leading the “many” voices of Oakland during this decade ahead and shows the track record of listening, learning and being a true voice for the people. We CANNOT blow this next decade.  The results will continue devastation to the generations of Oakland natives, particularly black and brown folks.  We can shine in this decade and show this country what the spirit of Oakland can accomplish with a consciousness and brilliance unique to our history of revolutionary spirit, love and community. 

In my research to consider who I want to be our mayor, I have strived to find a balance of studying their action based track record and/or clear plan for implementation of ideas along with knowing/feeling people’s energetic and spiritual aura, as I experience in my interactions with and observations of them.  It lets me deepen my understanding of a person to know who they are, how they show up and what they are capable of.

Who am I voting for?

*Keep in mind, Oakland has rank choice voting (click the link to learn more), so I have to carefully weigh how I choose my order of preference.  Rank Choice Voting means that if the candidate I vote for FIRST for is eliminated, then my 2nd (and possibly 3rd) choice vote will count towards those in the lead.  If you are planning on voting first for someone that isn’t likely to win, then you REALLY have to think carefully about your second and third choice votes. They will not go to people who are already knocked out!  Also, please consider that as you read my WHO I’M NOT VOTING FOR at the bottom of this blog along with what the polls are showing now.  I’d love to vote only with my ideals, but that’s simply not practical given the reality of the consequences of getting this wrong.  Currently, the top people according to the polls are Kaplan, Schaaff, Quan and Tuman. It is highly likely that our 2nd and 3rd votes will be tie-breakers among this group of 4.

First choice (Identifying the perfect balance of someone aligned with my ideals, traits that embody good leadership and HAS A CHANCE TO WIN.  I will not throw my vote away)

JOE TUMAN~

Joe Tuman is the perfect balance of a thinker, doer, fighter, learner and good human being we need, given we’re in a time where there has to be a mayor who can handle all of the layers of work to be tackled, do it well and in service of all of Oakland! I know that many of my friends and allies have some concerns about him.  They are fair concerns, but not deal breakers for me.  Below, I’m going to spend some time talking about why I like him, why I have faith in him and why I think he’s a great and viable candidate for our town. At this point, over 4+ years, I have had numerous one on one interactions with him and am repeatedly blown away with his characteristics/abilities in the following ways:

His commitment to his core values, continual learning, collaborative communication and honesty- I have observed his ability to speak to many people, bring them together and collaborate with them, yet stand strong in his values. He doesn’t switch them up based on who he is talking to.  I have also observed him lean into learning what he doesn’t know, like a true life long learner. That goes a long way for me.  For example, he’s deeply concerned about the many perspectives of Oakland, and has spent considerable time in the flats (in addition to all the wealthier neighborhoods) knocking on doors and asking people what concerns them most.  This work shaped his priorities, just like a community organizer.  When I challenged him on being focused on adding police as the core value in his safety plan in a time that many black and brown people are in tension with police, he listened,  but also offered that in his experience on the campaign that many older black and brown people he’s spoken to have also been asking for more responsive police.  I appreciate that in his fine tuning process of creating a safety plan during this campaign, he has demonstrated considerable growth in his stance to accommodate the voice of those in fear of police. THIS IS DIFFERENT THAN BENDING FOR VOTES.  This demonstrates the WILL TO LEARN.  I can't tell you how valuable that trait is for me in any relationship I'm in, ESPECIALLY in a politician. If I sit back and analyze his evolution, I see that he first needed to understand that just because HIS experience with police is one of feeling more secure, that a significant population in Oakland doesn’t experience that…in fact, they experience terror.  He has been willing to be responsive (in large part listening to the voices and experiences of Oaklanders, as well as the other candidates) and has worked to significantly increase his cultural competency in ways such as moving more towards community policing and explicitly stating a priority of protecting constitutional rights of citizens, without sacrificing his value of creating a safer Oakland…he just expanded that to be responsive to making it safe for all.  This wasn’t where he started… but that is because his experience as someone who appears white (he identifies as Iranian) and benefits from white privilege (which I observe him talking comfortably about in ways many white people will not engage) didn’t give him personal experience to prioritize this at such a high level of importance.  What I love about him, in this regard, is that he’s not stuck on stupid.  He’s a learner and is committed to keeping many perspectives around him so that he can continue to deepen his knowledge, engage many experiences and create responsive plans that work for Oakland as a whole.  IF THERE IS ANY CANDIDATE I BELIEVE IN that can implement a plan to interrupt gentrification but powerfully grow and develop this city while keeping all the players at the table it’s Joe Tuman. 

His intellect- he is able to take the meta ideas and whittle them down into micro/action plans with credibility and fidelity.  Oakland needs someone who takes a vision and can actually put the theory to action plan in place to make it happen.   He breaks down economics, practicalities and timelines in ways that I don't see any of the candidates doing.  Not to mention, when this cat sat in my house and asked the room to ask him questions, he listened to 15-20 people in a row ask their questions, TOOK NO NOTES, and then began from the beginning and answered every question. Not one at a time....he remembered EVERY question, and opened with the question I asked about digging into his white privilege.  He's courageous and brilliant. I was BLOWN away. I’ve not met many HUMANS with his level of intelligence and critical analysis…let alone a politician. But, he’s not a politician, he’s a teacher. So, there’s that to consider (see my thoughts on breaking the machine) as we think about how to unravel the toxicity of city hall, the vested interests in this town and how we bring new and well researched thinking. We need smart.  We need savvy.  We need someone who can engage in complicated and complex matters powerfully.  I believe that is Joe Tuman.

My intuition: I JUST PLAIN FEEL HIM- back to my initial statement about trusting my gut and focusing on my instincts about aura and spiritual connection….every time I see him, every time I interact with him (even in tension- and BELIEVE there’s been tension- we’ve had to navigate at house parties, panels, and in one on one) he’s deeply present, kind, committed and passionate about doing this town right.  His ego is NOT in the way, there’s nothing toxic about him…he’s a good soul, smart, talented and committed to service.  My entire intuition says he’s the right person for the job and I’ve felt that way from the beginning over 4 years ago AND as I’ve gotten to know other candidates and research them.  He just WINS for me.  

His accessibility to the people- connected to my being impressed by his communication, is how easily accessible he has been throughout the campaign and commits to while in being office. I believe that this trait will allow him to continue growing into a more culturally competent mayor (this defined by staying engaged in the many cultures that exist in Oakland so he can authentically represent their needs and strive to balance them) of a town that has such varying interests.  The campaign staff he hired was consistently responsive to any requests I made (opportunities for volunteering, needs for papers/links and my own requests to meet him or create space for him to meet others.)  *This is MORE than I can say for several candidates*.  This shows me his commitment to engaging people around him that will share this value while he is in office. I believe that Joe Tuman as our mayor will create ways to ensure many of us have access to him, and GIVEN THE LAST TWO MAYORS, this is a critical trait.  We must have a mayor that prioritizes time with many voices and reflects what he learns in their work.  Joe Tuman is that kind of leader.

His openness to new ideas- My biggest critique of the election overall is the candidates’ lack of analysis regarding our educational system and their band aid thoughts on how to help.  I was able to engage Joe in a thoughtful and deep conversation about the systemic issues in the school system and he asked insightful and provoking questions that further deepened my belief in his intellect and willingness to listen and develop deeper and responsive policy. He was highly interested in my own radical thoughts (further showing me he’s not conservative) on education reform and immediately went to engaging me in working out kinks in the implementation of such a radical plan, NOT shutting it down with the same old “City Hall doesn’t run the school district” crap I keep hearing from some resigned candidates.  He has shaped his safety, job development and economic policies from a base of his experiential beliefs, and aligned them powerfully with what he has learned are the needs for residents in Oakland. In my opinion, his policies reflect a TRUE commitment to the multiple populations in our town.  He’s balanced, thoughtful and it is his openness to the many perspectives which will shape the policies we need that will ensure Oakland’s development is unique and supportive to its true populations.

Joe Tuman brings me hope, confidence and faith in the possibility of humanity in the office balanced with smart, responsible and galvanizing leadership.

MY 2ND AND 3RD CHOICE VOTES: Let’s be clear and honest here. This is a chess move.  I am quite surprised by the two candidates that are neck and neck for me in these entertaining these two critical votes.  After reading all of their policy papers and seeing them in numerous panels, I am equally impressed with their policy and stances. I’ll first tell you WHY I find them both to be viable (not my first choice, but strong and workable candidates) and then why I selected the order I’ll put them.

Libby Schaaf and Bryan Parker

3rd choice (this one is tough, because it’s voting with my heart to send a message and a refusal to choose the lesser of several evils, given that the rest of the likely candidates to still be in it at this point are candidates I can’t live with):

Bryan Parker: I liked him from the beginning.  I am more impressed with Bryan Parker’s track record than Libby’s and am drawn to him because he’s not a politician and has a fresh set of eyes in a toxic political environment.  He’s smart, well versed in economics of Oakland (both in his experience in the Port and his unapologetic statement about the 2 Oaklands, citing disproportionality in unemployment, education, etc.)  His priorities are focused highly on increasing businesses in Oakland, jobs, leveraging existing infrastructures, housing, educational focus on mobilizing the city to take on race and class.  His papers demonstrate high levels of cultural competency and understanding of the myriad of race and class issues in Oakland.  He also has lived experience OUTSIDE OF THE MACHINE of Oakland in the port that shows high levels of success. He states clearly that he wants police with racial sensitivity and focus on healing the numerous traumas in the flats. He gets it.  He’s smart. He’s mindful and hits most of the points I’m interested in seeing my mayor engage.

2nd choice (this is where the personal dilemma of making sure those I can’t live with and knowing the reality of the current polls comes into play):

Libby Schaaff:  I have to be honest, I am quite surprised that after reading all of her papers that she’s made it this far to the top of my choices, and even more surprised that she’s going to get one of my votes.  It was my intuition on her energy, her history in city council as a politician and her (her team’s) lack of responsiveness to my requests that had me discredit her.  *They didn’t have policy papers out by September 30th and I admittedly wrote her off.* These issues are still very strong concerns for me.  However, after doing my due diligence of reading her papers (although released fairly late in the campaign), all of the other priorities she focuses on, she is a mayor I can live with and would invest time to organize in order to hold her to account for any lack of responsive dealings….and I believe we’d have to do that with her.  There still is ONE  major issue I’m still worried about…her lack of an effective record overseeing the finance Management committee and her general track record being a part of a toxic city hall.  My gut says run from her (much like it does with most politicians), WHICH IS WHY I WANT PEOPLE TO PUT JOE TUMAN FIRST, but her shit on paper is together more than most.  Her paper on education is actually the strongest of all the candidates, even citing focus on teacher reform in a way that aligns with my belief in one of the root causes of our educational issues. Her focus on police/safety, civic engagement (and, frankly, her record supports this with lots of organized open meetings to engage the public on issues), mindfulness of accessible transportation and creating healthcare and housing for those in poverty is impressive. 

So, why would I vote for her over Dan, given his nearly perfect alignment with my values?  

Good question.  I’d say she’s right after Dan and neck and neck with Bryan on cultural competency and awareness of the many populations in Oakland. However, she’s got a proven track record of working well with people (although she’s stepped on it a few times with her voting record)…she’s got powerful allies in politics (which is a blessing and curse) and she obviously aspires to higher political ranks, which means she has to keep relationships and a good record.  THIS ALSO MEANS we (as citizens) have negotiating power to hold her to account regarding these issues. She’s going to have to deliver hard on affordable housing, safe city, transportation, etc. in order to keep accelerating her career. She’s not alone in being someone who can build a resume with a success in Oakland (I see it all the time), and I think she can do a lot like Jerry Brown did and that we can capitalize on her future aspirations to really hold her feet to the fire. 

Dan seems more to me like stuck on his values than being a successful mayor that galvanizes many communities into one large successful development of the city, so if I have to choose a politician, I’m going to pick the one that most closely aligns with my politics, has some track record of bringing people together, but one I can use some community based power to hold her accountable.  

So, why am I voting for her 2nd and not 3rd? 

Now, I don’t WANT to do all of that hard work to hold her feet to the fire…that’s a lot of fucking work and I’d much rather work with a mayor who leans towards this progressive agenda that is willing to learn and be open than someone who is immersed in it AND immersed in politics. That’s why I want to work with Joe Tuman. HOWEVER, the polls currently show Rebecca Kaplan is high up in the lead…and I REALLY don’t want her to be mayor given her faults (see below).  So, if Joe were to get knocked out, it is a likely scenario that Libby Schaff and Kaplan will be up there, especially given Jerry Brown’s endorsement.  I want to make sure my second vote goes to someone that can beat a candidate I DON’T want.  Given the popularity of Kaplan (and potentially Quan), voting for Parker second doesn’t help make sure Kaplan isn’t in the mayor’s seat. Parker is simply not likely to be in the top running, so voting for him second enhances the chances that Quan or Kaplan get in.  And, I’m on team #NOTQUANORKAPLAN.  But, I choose him 3rd because

A. He’s in the top three of my choices

B. I can’t live with myself voting for any of the candidates below that I believe won't make good mayors

Who I’m not voting for:

1. This is the “no” that I’m actually saddest about.  Dan Siegel is without a doubt the candidate that speaks most powerfully on behalf of the most marginalized and oppressed. He’s done a lot of amazing things….very recently representing Alan Blueford’s and Oscar Grant’s families pro bono, and has a tireless track record of civil rights work for decades.  His voice is an important one in the conversation of where Oakland is going.  He also put a lot of time and effort into ideas that are thorough and aligned with many of my (and the social justice focused community’s ideals).  He’s got some smart and powerful people who are deep in the trenches of the real fights that are life and death in this town working with him….I respect the team, I respect the message.  However, I do not think his ideals alone are enough to lead this town through the difficult task ahead.  He’s a perfect Vice Mayor, to be a voice in the ear of the mayor who may get caught up in the lure of the privileged, but I do not think he should be the one in charge when he has to frequently engage privileged populations and keep them engaged and in the conversation. His track record of alienating opposing viewpoints from the school board (when I worked in OUSD) to his abrasive and extreme left rants throughout the campaign on panels I’ve watched have proven to me that he’s not the “all Oakland” galvanizing mayor we need.  I need to know that the police unions won’t shut down in talks during this critical time that we have to add police and interrogate their training and accountability.   There will be ignorant economic developers, middle and upper class voters, unions, politicians, etc. that will have to have a diplomatic person that can unite multiple viewpoints and bring people to common consensus for a win win.  I have to know that we won’t see a repeat of Occupy Oakland mishandling applied to privileged Oakland interests which simply repeats wasteful bickering time.  That just isn’t Dan’s skill set and that lack doesn’t get compensated by being the most culturally competent person on the list of candidates for me.   

2. HELL NO- Jean Quan.  I simply cannot trust her.  From the time that she showed up on Fremont HS’s campus in 2001 for a school clean up, picked up a broom to pose for a photo and put it down without cleaning a thing I’ve been clear about her core aura….it’s self serving and manipulative.  But, to offer more than a salty after thought that would mean I can’t analyze her political experience, she simply demonstrates over and over again that she’s not trustworthy.  From backpedaling when held to account for poor choices on the school board and city council, to misconstruing data about crime and finance and deals that are cut again and again and again and (of course) her disaster of the handling of the police department (who hate her) with Occupy Oakland, to her efforts at CEASEFIRE that threaten criminals with jail unless they “take advantage of community help” that simply isn’t actually available or supportive? I’m just out of fucks with her.  Moving on.

3. Rebecca Kaplan.  Aside from the feeling I get when I meet her (which isn’t quantifiable, but I’ve learned to trust my gut) that she’s overwhelmed, high off being loved in politics, pie in the sky and not grounded in action, I just observe that she focuses on issues that will get her votes.  Is she a hero to some those that prioritize Medical Marijuana and LGBTQ community issues?  For sure.  But, those two are not Oakland’s most pressing issues at this critical juncture in our history, nor have they ever really been.  Not to mention, when asked for policy papers or any proof that she had put careful thought into her priorities, I was given a 500 word (for ALL THREE ISSUES) web page that shared this superficial, theoretical, no evidence for HOW to implement, non tangible SUMMARY of a few key issues.  *Safety, jobs and “fresh start”….there is no evidence of critical thinking in her delivery (in writing or on the stages when I’ve observed her)- and after multiple requests to her campaign where I asked if there was anything more comprehensive (I mean, SHIT, can’t I get a 1 pager with some economic detailed action plans for each item that isn’t boasting about non relevant voting records on these issues?!) materials, the campaign manager simply told me I could ask more detailed questions of them if I wanted. FOR REAL?  You’re running for mayor of one of the most vibrant and rapidly developing cities in the country and you don’t have policy papers or detailed plans for the voters to have access to and I'm supposed to hit up a campaign manager to learn more about what YOU think!? I’m not surprised she says nothing about quality education.  She clearly doesn’t value critical thought or deep engagement on any academic or strategic level.  Oakland or I have NO time for that.

4. Courtney Ruby. I am BEYOND sad she won’t be our city auditor anymore.  Courtney is a really nice person who got a lot of respect from me the other night with Marianne Williamson’s endorsement of her and my learning of her plans to make the city government work better.    Courtney is a Break the Machine kind of person….I’m a believer of that.  I believe that we have to get people from outside the system inside the system to break it and build it back up.  However, she is black and white, cut and dry about the numbers and Oakland is WAY more complex than that.  One strategy she talks about as her first order of business demonstrates this shortcoming for me.  She keeps saying she will make every department manager reapply for their job immediately.  This simply ins’t a practical approach to breaking city hall’s inadequacies.  How would you effectively assess who should be in the position so quickly, how would the city be running while you engage an adequate process for rehiring and WHAT IF you need to fire 75% of people?  What then?  It’s a short sighted solution that carries a lot of power in the political rhetoric, but simply isn’t an effective solution. Had she said they all go on a one year probation (or did rolling probations so you could ensure capacity for high quality rehiring and evaluation process, she actually might have gotten my third vote.)  In addition, she focuses WAY too hard on safety in isolation of other problems, putting most other areas of focus on hold while she “addresses” that and offers a vapid plan for work force development that seems to be absent of a deep analysis of the issues in our educational system in Oakland and the impact of poverty on numerous levels. I worry she’ll significantly perpetuate gentrification, regardless of her intentions, and not be immersed enough in the necessary work of city partnership with the educational system and viable economic opportunities we’re facing that could authentically address poverty and systemic racism. She’s EXCELLENT as our city auditor. And, she’s beginning a journey into cultural consciousness about “trauma” in the community and a personal mindfulness about racial and socioeconomic equity that is a good start— but, Joe Tuman is way further along than her in this journey.  My experience with her the other night at the panel hosted by Marianne showed me that her depth and understanding of the issues isn’t deeply immersed enough in the voice of the marginalized in Oakland to be a sufficient mayor. 

I will say it again, Joe Tuman is the perfect balance of a thinker, doer, fighter, learner and good human being we need, given we’re in a time where there has to be a mayor who can handle all of the layers of work to be tackled, do it well and in service of all of Oakland! I trust him.  My gut trusts him and I think he has the will to deepen his learning in partnership with us, the skills to galvanize and lead us through this historic time and he's profoundly passionate about making Oakland a better place. He's a teacher that has stepped up to put his time and resources where his  mouth is.....I'm in. Joe Tuman, all the way.  I hope you consider him, if not for your first vote, at least for your second.  Keep him in the race and get someone in who is smart enough and insightful enough to break this machine (as Marianne Williamson talked about this week) of a dysfunctional city hall and help us raise Oakland (all of Oakland) up!

Unconditional Love of self....what a harrowing and glorious road for this woman.

For the past two years I've been engaged in an interesting process of (what I think is) retraining the neurological pathways in my brain to LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the shit out of myself. I realize that may sound all nerdy and science-based or like I'm using electro-shock therapy of something, but all I'm really doing is meditating every day with a simple mantra~ "I love myself exactly the way I am.  I am worthy of everything I want."  And, I only do it for a minute or so...but the science seems to show that if you do this for somewhere between 30-54 days straight (NO INTERRUPTIONS or you have to start all over again), you actually can re-channel the pathways in your brain to internalize new beliefs, thus practicing completely aligned actions without much effort.
As a woman in a society that teaches me to hate my body and to prioritize the needs of men over my own, this practice has been incredibly confronting and liberating in a lot of ways. For starters, there have been TREMENDOUS changes in my health and well being of my body.  I began this in January of 2011.    I had been living my normal routine for 7 years or so at a weight about 20lbs more than I am now.....and I had gained another 20 on top of that after really struggling with taking on the issues that came up for me as I decided I wanted to be in a local relationship for the first time since I'd moved to California in 1999 (for those of you who don't know me, I had ONLY been engaged in relationships with men who didn't live here and was unwilling to be committed to anyone local due to tremendous fears of intimacy.) I was drinking to cope with loneliness and avoid feeling awkward in social settings, I was eating unhealthy food and eating it very late at night, I didn't exercise, I bought clothes that hid my body and I NEVER engaged ANYONE that tried to flirt with me (in fact, I was completely convinced no one in the Bay was interested in me at all.) When I looked deeply at that, what I saw at the root of those behaviors was a belief that I wasn't worth receiving love....even from myself.  So, without beating myself up for the actions that led me to isolation and a body that wasn't in a very healthy state, I chose to practice a mantra that was the opposite of the beliefs that weren't serving me.  This is how the concept of a daily mantra was born. I began just saying to myself, "I love my body today....not in 30 pounds from now." Suddenly, so many things changed.....over the next few weeks, I altered (dramatically) what I wanted to put in my body....lots of vegetables, very little meat and starch, no sugar.  *To be clear, this was NOT a diet or prescribed routine....this is NATURALLY what I wanted to put in my body when I was practicing loving it exactly the way it is.  I only drank water after 7pm...no food.  I decided to stop drinking for a year just to be present to the journey my brain was going through and was blown away by what I learned about many more beliefs that were getting in the way of my happiness. I found TONS of voices screaming out from the self-hating beliefs that had formed in my brain over the years.  It was scary at times to confront the terrible beliefs I had about myself (that I was ugly, not worth loving, too much for any one to love, etc.) but what I believe about beliefs is that they are always a choice.  And, I am committed to choosing and internalizing beliefs that empower me and help me get to having EVERYTHING I want in the world.
After 2 years, my entire physical body has changed....and people keep asking me what I did. I tell them my goal was never to lose weight (I've lost 43 pounds), but to love my body exactly as it is. And, now I easily eat the healthiest (and believe that I eat all the time... no starving for this girl...and I feel NO shame when I tell people I'm hungry!) and engage in more physical activity (hiking, Bikram Yoga and Crossfit) than I have in 13 years. These were just powerful breakthroughs in my health as a result of practicing an empowering belief of unconditional love of self.
What I also knew I needed to tackle was the belief that I wasn't worthy and how that was playing out in my intimate (or lack of) relationships.  So as I began actively dating about a year and a half ago, I found that I had to add to my mantra (otherwise I was ONLY attracting men that weren't interested in anything serious).  So, the mantra became "I love myself exactly as I am.  I am worthy of receiving love."  This was interesting to practice as I went on dates and engaged in the online dating game.  I found I was willing to be active and try to meet people here (not at ALL what I had been even willing to do and had hid behind a career to avoid it.)  I also found that HELLA people were flirting and trying to get my attention.  It was like suddenly the Bay Area was raining men...the truth is, they had been there the whole time but I was SO convinced that I wasn't worthy that I didn't even see it.  It was one of the most bizarre realizations I'd ever had.  My beliefs about my worth caused a HUGE shift in how I was seen in and how I was seeing the world.
Within a few months I had met a man who I dated for about a year.  It was so interesting because immediately I saw so much of myself in him and felt so much compassion for our struggles of wanting an abundance of happiness but having beliefs that got in our way.  There were many things about the relationship that were sweet.....we were vulnerable with each other, stepped up when we were confronted by things and committed to communication that could help us sort through struggles.  I ultimately fell in love with him.....how could I not?  He is so brilliant, courageous, full of ambition and really sweet and fun.  In fact, he is one of the most amazing human beings I've had the honor to know, let alone love. But, from the beginning, I was not getting an equal balance of attention or receiving very much romance and it was clear (to me) that he had some beliefs about what he would lose in his life if he were to give to me.  I also had to confront my beliefs about whether I was worthy of receiving adoration (physical and emotional) and if I deserved to be loved as much as I love.  For a long time there was an imbalance.....most of the relationship centered around his needs and when we tried to tackle mine it often failed.  I am AS responsible for that as he is.  As I practiced my mantra, I found I was willing to speak on these issues (rather than avoid confrontation and just suffer in silence) but was amazed at how much SCARIER it was to practice this belief in intimacy.  It was hundreds of times more confronting than practicing new beliefs by myself or with family or friends. And, due to how scary it was (and how hard it's been to internalize that I'm worthy of being treated with the same love I give), I let it go on for a very long time before I finally took the scariest stand I've ever taken in a relationship.  I asked that he consider engaging in some support outside of us to tackle his own happiness and be able to be engaged in our relationship powerfully so that we could interrupt the cycle of imbalance we were in.  I asked him this out of love for him, but also out of love for myself. I realized that I need to be with a partner who is healthy and willing to do the work for himself as well as for the incredible relationship we are capable of creating.
When I tell you that asking for this and dealing with the repercussions of this request was one of the HARDEST things I've ever done.....I mean it.  I was shaken to my core by all kinds of voices and fears that I hadn't heard in 20 years.  All the voices told me things like "You ruined your one chance at love!", "What makes you think you can have more?", and my favorite "You should have kept your mouth shut and just hoped things got better." For almost two months I've grappled with depression, uncontrollable sadness (like bursting out crying at all kinds of times), nauseating fears, anxiety and regret.  But, the truth is all of those feelings are my old default of not being worthy fighting HARD to keep me believing that I am not.  Except, the truth is....
I AM worthy of a partner who believes in showering me with love AND loving himself in balance.
I AM worthy of being heard and having my perspective honored.
I AM worthy of someone to commit to me and to working through any intimacy struggles that come up....and sometimes that means finding someone outside of us to help.
But mostly I AM worthy of being with someone who believes I'm worthy of unconditional love and treats me like a queen much like I will treat my love like a king.

Writing these and saying them out loud sound CRAZY....which tells me I haven't yet internalized these beliefs.  So, I've got work to do....but I took the first steps and at least fumbled through being a stand to make sure I have a partner in an incredibly loving relationship that honors both of us powerfully.
Ultimately, he decided that he doesn't think he can give me what I want and that he doesn't have it in him at this time in his life to do the work we would need to do to interrupt our cycles.  I understand why he feels that way and respect his choice.  In fact, it actually brings me peace and let's me really know that I love HIM unconditionally, because he chose and I love him no matter what he chooses.  And, I struggle when I hear him say that because I believe we choose our beliefs. So when he says that to me I have to fight the urge to support him in believing he can have it all and let him be on his journey on his own timeline.  No one but ME got me to practice believing that "I love myself today and am worthy of receiving the love I give" and he gets to choose what beliefs he wants to live for his life.  Last week he chose.
And, my heart is broken....like shattered.  And, I'm healing.  And, I'm being honest with my community about my heartache so that they can take care of me.  This blog is me practicing that I'm worthy of receiving love......and not being attached that it has to be from him.  And, just writing THAT breaks my heart....because I love him.  And, I know he loves me.  And, I see what's possible for both of us.....but, we don't see it the same way and that formula doesn't work.  So, I have to let go of the man I love.  And, if I'm really being honest,  I have to ask myself why did I fall so hard in love with someone who doesn't believe they can give me what I need?  The answer is tough to swallow,  because despite having breakthroughs in my journey to internalize my self worth (speaking my truth and my efforts to interrupt the cycles), if I really, really believed I was worthy of infinite love, I wouldn't have been so attracted to a quality in someone else that had me not receive it.  My beliefs about what I'm worthy of let me focus on him and not me.  And, that is my responsibility.  He didn't wrong me.  He was AMAZING and tackled a shit ton of growth and I'm so amazed by what we both learned and accomplished this past year.  I'm the kind of person who loves hard...and I'm so glad he is who I chose.

I know that in all of this are exactly the gifts I need.  I know that to grow I have to endure pain.  I know that as I'm moving forward ALL of this will help me receive infinite love in the future.
I am worthy of infinite love.
And so are all of you.

Thanks for hearing me.....love.
~M

Is the metamorphosis and journey of a butterfly painful?

I awoke this morning at 4.30 am and decided to peruse Hulu for something to watch....and being exhausted by all the news coverage of terrible politics and the horrific events of the last week, I decided to go to Nova.  I found The Incredible Journey of the Butterflies.  It's an amazing story of a phenomenon that has each generation of freshly hatched butterflies find their way to the same region of Mexico, regardless of where they begin.  This tells me they are profoundly wise about choosing such a beautiful destiny for themselves and incredibly resilient and strong to make it happen time after time, generation after generation.  It made me wish that we, as humans, were inherently willing to seek out the most challenging journeys to reach the most beautiful destination as our life path.

I've been in a perpetual state of metamorphosis.....for years really, but in particular lately I've been practicing the really hard art of balancing loving myself in my relationships while loving others too.  I'm quite good at taking care of others and being compassionate for their struggles....but for years I've allowed that to be the bulk of my relationships with everyone and I am not (YET) practiced in letting anyone take care of me. Just to ask for it feels like I'm standing in new skin. To expect it and engage in conversations about it feels like I have NO skin.  That is not an exaggeration.  I feel exposed and like what I'm asking for is highly dangerous.  It has been a while since I've felt so raw, fragile and wanting to retreat into a cocoon.  At the same time, I'm so clear about the path and my commitment to practicing this that it has carried me through weeks, if not months, of being triggered, sad, fearful and anxious.  It's been a long, long time since I've felt this way.

Watching the show this morning, I learned that caterpillars shed their skin 4 times before the 5th shedding becomes the cocoon, preparing them for the next life stage of flight and migration...an even more challenging phase.  This metaphor brought me great comfort and gratitude because I've been in such a grounded state of growth, fulfillment and practice for the last 4 years that (while I know intellectually I have so much more to learn) being so overwhelmed with rawness and confronted by fears felt surreal and confusing.  But, it is simply another reminder that I'm trying on my new skin (in relationship, with my family, friends, community) and that I need to live in it.  That's all. It's just new and I get to live in it.  And, my belief is that being in community exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not helps that skin get stronger and more protective.  I've got to keep living in it and engaging my community until that skin becomes strong and the next shedding comes around.  It really made me wonder......does the process of metamorphosing hurt?  Not that they have a choice, but what is the experience like? And then I thought how silly that question is.....the experience is just the experience, whatever it is. And, on the other end of it is new skin, new life and getting closer and closer to flying.

My experiences the last few months have been painful.  And re-affirming.  And scary.  And heart-wrenching.  And illuminating.  And exhausting.  And empowering.
And, I am shedding.  Again.
I am:
In love, like I have never been before.
Invested in my friendships and family in a way that feels completely new.
Trying to never leave things unsaid.
Trying to ask for what I need in my relationships.
Trying to balance caring for others and expecting that care right back.
Trying to practice unconditional love, compassion and patience.
Trying to practice those things on me and expecting that those who love me will do the same.
Trying to remember that everyone is on their own journey and choices we all make should be honored.
Being in clear communication with my loved ones about their choices and impact on me...and from love, engaging in choosing how WE create the fullest possibility of our relationship while honoring our own individual choices in that possibility.

And, this means lots of things.

It means people close to me are seeing things they've never seen from me.  I have friends who've known me for over 10 years that have only now in the last year seen me cry...have only now seen that I struggle.
It means I expect a lot of the people who I let be close to me.  (Well, truth be told I expect a lot of everyone, but if I'm going to let you take care of me then I'm going to be a hard stand for you to be your best self...and that can be hard for both of us.)
It means I'm going to fuck up....this is new and I'm committed to being my best self and I'm nowhere near that yet.
It means I need the same compassion, patience and forgiveness I work so hard to offer to everyone.
It means I have a lot of hard work to do....and I can't do it alone.
It means my relationships may change...some will get closer and deeper, some may drift apart.

What it doesn't mean is that I love anyone any less...I'm just learning to live a life where I receive the love I put out while being mindful of reciprocity, balance and that we're on an unknown journey of healing and transformation.

Something about the butterflies (once they hatch and begin their migration) I found particularly interesting was within a study that was conducted. Some scientists captured a bunch of butterflies en route from Canada as they were travelling through Kansas and transported them to Washington DC to see how such a move would impact their path. The ones they released immediately, headed straight south into Florida and the Caribbean and died.  The ones they held for a few days, able to watch the sun rise and set, re-routed themselves and headed South West and right back to the same region in Mexico they were originally heading.  No one knows how they do this....but I think the ENTIRE metamorphosis and journey to the unknown is an interesting metaphor for my life right now.

I'm committed to the most amazing life.....one of health, love, transformation, beauty and contribution to the world.  It's a journey that is not easy and requires learning, growth, practice and movement.  I'm committed to powerful relationships where we support each other and love on each other unconditionally.  I want to migrate with all of you.....have all of us fly together to the most beautiful destination AND not miss out on the beauty of the journey itself.  I was so moved and inspired by the butterflies who were able to stay on the path....by simply taking a few days to get re-grounded.  Watching the sun rise and set did something extraordinary for them.  It "re-set" them and meant that even with the most extreme obstacle (blindly moving them over 1,000 miles east) they were able to magically continue on and persevere.
This week, I remembered to just take some time and get "re-set"....to not keep on moving in suffering, regret and fear.  I have been rocked and de-centered for weeks....it's like I didn't know which way was up.  I've been raw, sick, sad, fearful, anxious.....all my old stuff coming up.  But, by noticing it, being in community, owning my lessons and knowing (not hoping) that on the other side things will be even better, the sun continued to rise and set....and my community was as solid as the sun.  I just paused.....I didn't try to fix anything or keep going from a place of being ungrounded.  I noticed my anguish, anxiety, fears....and kept engaging in honesty with those I love.  I didn't rush to resolve things or wrap it up neatly with a bow.  I just sat in complete and total disequilibrium and confusion and shared without shame.  I did this in private conversations and publicly on Facedick.
After three weeks I'm finally getting clear about my direction and feel back on track.
I've set up an appointment with a counselor/healer who I love that focuses on intimacy and relationships.
I'm back in touch with a few friends I lost touch with.
I'm taking walks.
I'm eating.
I'm cooking.
I'm treating others the way I want to be treated.
I'm expecting to be treated in the same way.

I'm remembering that everything is a choice and when I feel that it isn't, I need to stop and get re-grounded to get back on my chosen path.  I'm committed to powerful relationships and to the journey in those relationships....and to loyalty to work through all the times where we shed our skin.
I choose to share openly in the hopes that you will join me, however you choose to fly.
I, choose to fly.

Why the Chicago Teachers Union strike is an important national conversation

My father (the most loving conservative I know) visited me recently and asked me my thoughts on the Chicago strike, so I shared that this was an important moment in the history of our country for education.  It didn't seem that this strike had ANYTHING to do with wanting more money or to not be accountable (as he believed based on his heavily based Fox news input) but it had to do with being a stand for being paid fairly for longer days and to have a COLA increase-see actual raise below, it's laughable- while refusing to further endanger the lives of their already at risk children by risking high teacher turnover engaging in a faulty evaluation system. My father shared that he had heard starting salaries were at almost $80,000 per year and that teachers were ultimately getting a 16% raise.  I informed him that this was the propaganda machine hard at work to continue to make teachers seem evil.  Putting aside my personal belief that starting salary SHOULD be at $100,000 per year, the reality is that the median salary for Chicago teachers (INCLUDING VETERANS!!) is about 56k per year.  How news stations/propaganda machines can ethically report a starting salary of 80k is appalling.  In addition, the average COLA increase for social security recipients (government regulated) is 3.6% per year.  Over 4 years...this would be close to 14.5%. When asking conservatives if this seems fair for social security benefits, I'm certain this COLA would be fine...UNLESS you're asking this to count for teachers.
What did the teachers get? 
Straight from the contract: Year 1: 3% Year 2: 2% Year 3: 2% OPTIONAL Year 4: 3% (CTU may decide to take the additional year under the existing terms or begin bargaining new Agreement).  

A WHOPPING 10% OVER 4 YEARS!   This includes an extra week of work per year for elementary and two weeks per year for high school teachers (basic math tells us the increase in hours is actually about 2.8% for elementary and 5% for secondary, meaning high school teachers are working MORE their first two years for free).  So, they are UNDER average COLA and have added hours of work time per year.  Can someone tell me ANY profession where fighting for this would be the atrocity conservatives are making this?!

In addition, the really big argument was how to implement the state law that requires state testing as part of the evaluation.  There are MAJOR, MAJOR issues with this philosophy and method of implementation.  First off, state tests have been proven highly ineffective at assessing learning. In addition, there are so many other factors to consider in how/why children learn or don't learn AND how they show that learning.  These factors include poverty, hunger, quality of the teachers in years past, safety and climate of the school and the neighborhood and THE PIECE WE CAN AND SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR, the quality of the tests.  Given that there is so much controversy and movement to create effective tests, what profession in THEIR RIGHT MIND would agree to be evaluated by results on an ineffective testing system?! Teachers have stated over and over that they are fine to be accountable to results, but to commit professional suicide by allowing the current system that has massive flaws to play a major role in evaluating teacher effectiveness simply tells us what we've always known.....that teachers are smart.  And, that they care enough about the kids and the profession to ensure they fight for their low paying, never glorifying jobs to support having consistency and experience in the classrooms that need it the most.  

Diane Ravitch in The Death and Life of the Great American School System breaks down a few important elements of the tests, how they are regularly ineffective at measuring progress and often "dumbed down" by states who are afraid of the repercussions of NCLB.  Linda Darling Hammond tells us repeatedly how testing in Finland and Australia puts our testing to shame.  Given that the latest reform movement (Race to the Top) has states looking to completely revamp their testing AND that in 2014 we will be rolling out new common core standards, thus rolling out new assessments that will likely require several years to work out the kinks, WHY IN ANY COMMON SENSE THINKING does it exist NOW to incorporate state assessments as part of teacher evaluation?
Since my daddy taught me never to complain without a few solutions, I offer an answer.....include teachers heavily in the development and piloting of highly effective tests like authentic assessment and open ended questions that ask students to evaluate, predict and synthesize.  Get rid of multiple choice assessments and invest in our young people's creativity and multiple intelligences. When we do that, we will see the creative juices of teachers begin to flow as they shed fears of mandates and bubble test results. We will see classrooms full of lively debate and engaging critical thinking as multiple intelligences are honored and allow for a variety of ways to demonstrate proficiency in skills. And, take time to implement this thoughtfully. When we have it right (which really doesn't have to be that hard since several countries are ALREADY doing this well by having authentic assessment and amazing conditions and pay for teachers), then we can talk about using effective measures to increase accountability.  
But for now, failing schools, systems and policy making is where we should be directing our anger. The kids are not failing, and for the most part, the teachers are not failing. They are being asked to do brain surgery (often with limited training and support) on the fly, in a war zone and being asked for high rates of survival.  It's a joke.
Should teachers be accountable?  Absolutely.....but first, let's get real about the blatant irresponsibility and gall of policy makers, systems leaders and testing corporations  and how they are blowing smoke and mirrors movements that are PROVEN to be ineffective; charter schools, merit pay and our testing linked to evaluations.  Reform of our compensation and preparation for teachers coupled with creating an effective assessment system would DRAMATICALLY increase our society's critical thinking, entrepreneurship, and shift the positional power in our nation.  For us to ALLOW these same people in power to run a propaganda machine that seeks out teachers as the bad guys for simply demanding fair conditions to continue to attempt to engage in a system designed for failure, and the incredible amount of people who buy it, is further proof of how effective our current school system is.  WE ARE DUMBED DOWN. Until we, as a nation, are willing to stand up to those with historic positional power and wealth (which the CTU did this month), we should be clear that we are getting EXACTLY what the system is designed to create; workers that don't ask hard questions, don't fight and do what they're told. We're not a nation that has an education system designed to create powerful contributors in a democratic society, because those with the wealth and power are perfectly happy with things the way they are. It works for them and the movement to demonize teachers is clear evidence of the fight to keep it the way it is.
Wake up, shake it off and get mad!  We are smarter than this, our kids deserve to have their brilliance shine and blossom, and we are being fooled into believing that an appalling minimum effort is actual reform.  TO END, I want you all to really know what the CTU members won this month.....and ask yourself, are THESE the bad guys? 
Their new contract has provisions such as adding $1.5 million dollars for more special education teachers, a promise to hire more social workers, nurses, and counselors, a guarantee to have textbooks on the first day of class, an increase from $100 to $250 given to teachers for supplies, new clauses about including parents on class size monitoring committees, $.5 million dollars for class size reductions, allowing teachers to follow their own lesson plan formats instead of using the top-down mandated one, an anti-bullying clause against workplace bullying by poor administrators, and 600 new music, art, and gym teachers.  The CTU also stopped the collaborative-culture-crushing idea of merit pay, preserved steps and lanes in the salary schedule to ensure we value experience and education in our teaching workforce, and kept the use of student test scores in teacher evaluation to the legal minimum. (http://mskatiesramblings.blogspot.com/2012/09/dear-mrmayor-there-is-hope-for-chicagos.html?spref=tw&m=1)

What jerks.

Occupyyourbrain people....if not for you, for the brilliant minds of our children who are inheriting this disaster.  

What my relationships with men would look like if men were feminists.

As a white woman who is committed to living my life as an anti-racist, there are a few important things I choose to practice in my thinking/looking/living.  First, from the teachings of Derrick Bell and Critical Race Theory, I believe in the Permanence of Racism~that racism is consistently present in our thinking and actions. For me this means that being an anti racist, regardless of any level of consciousness or my best intentions, is having to constantly examine where the indoctrination of racism appears in my mindset (no matter how seemingly small) and ensure that I am making intentional choices in how I choose to move forward vs. falling back on any default behaviors.  This is no easy way of being. It means constantly acknowledging how my whiteness shows up in my thinking and how others skin color impacts that thinking.  This leads to the second practice for me in this commitment which is remembering that identifying racist thinking and actions in myself does not make me a racist.  It means that I WAS TAUGHT TO BE ONE by society and the art of interrupting starts with acknowledging there is something to interrupt!  Pretending there is nothing there because of our fear that we are racist or believing that consciousness about racism is sufficient, is actually being committed to racism.  When I look, sometimes racism shows up for me as an internal dialogue that says "I know best" or a Great White Hope saves the day story, which leads to lessening my listening to other perspectives. Other times it shows up as having a visceral response to a person of color, often someone I don't know, that generates an unfounded fear or suspicion.  Being honest about this is hard...but NOT being honest about this perpetuates racism, which is the opposite of my declared and practiced commitment.  Finally, remembering that the people most IMPACTED by racism are NOT responsible for helping me to see how racism plays out in me is essential.  Asking those that bear the burden of any "ism" to add more to their burden by helping me with my "blind spots" is one of the ways in which the privilege of the oppressor rears its ugly head and perpetuates oppression.
So...I'm clear about this as it relates to racism and how I choose to engage interrupting it.  Why is this less clear for me as a woman who seeks partnership with men?   Oh, I know...my internalized sexism would have me believe that I'm not worthy of the following consideration.

Imagine how this would play out...
First, a commitment from any man that I'm in ANY relationship with that misogyny and sexism always exists in our dynamic.  There would be no debate about whether or not patriarchy is playing out in our relationship, just acceptance that it must be something to look for if we are committed to interrupting it.  Also, it would mean that men (and women) would be practicing that finding examples of sexism in our thinking is NOT what makes us sexist.  We'd remember that patriarchy is the way we've been trained and, if we want to dismantle that training, the work is for men to look for how they are perpetuating the oppression of women and for women to look for how we are accepting/expecting that oppression. Woah.  When I look, I see how I'm supposed to keep it all together to serve and support men and put my needs last.  I see when my perspective is blown off and not considered how 1. misogynistic that is and 2. how sexism plays out in my reaction when I second guess how valuable my perspective was in the first place and 3. how quickly I move to smooth things over, as if disrupting the comfort of men is a problem. As if disrupting the comfort of men is a problem.  If all men were willing to get to the root of their thinking when misogyny appears and practice the belief that women are equal and worthy instead of whatever they were thinking when the awareness of their sexism was showing up, WE ALL would be making much greater headway in the world. Period. (Pun intended).
Finally, depending on me to point this out to you (and often fighting it while I am) is added weight on the already absurdly long list of burdens I bear as a woman dedicated to being treated as the brilliant, worthy, and powerful human being I am.  Just believing in my brilliance, worth and power makes me TIRED. Practicing that and demanding that I am seen that way has me REAL TIRED.  So, men....can you do me a solid and do the work on your own to look for where YOU treat us as if we're lesser than you? Even if you are "CONSCIOUS" and belong to some communities that are down for women? In fact, especially then.  I promise I'll have a lot more energy, you'll benefit from my gratitude and happiness and the world will be a much better place with you working to leave no trace of patriarchy behind you.
Now, the question is...are you READY for me to have a lot more energy?  This is me tired.  :)

Every year for the past three years, I've engaged in a process of setting big areas of growth for myself in my heart, head, body and spirit.  In order to do that well, I believe I must find where I'm not fulfilled in each of those areas, figure out what belief is at the root of that lack of fulfillment, imagine the OPPOSITE belief (even if it feels weird and uncomfortable) and then imagine total fulfillment from that new and intentionally chosen belief.  Yeah.  It's a lot.

Thankfully I have an amazing community that offers incredible perspectives and amounts of love and support to help me push myself every year.  This year, kicking and screaming, I got to the most uncomfortable belief to practice: "I am brilliant enough to accomplish anything."  It makes me cringe just typing it.  But, if I'm being honest about what it takes to step into my fullest power, in all the places I've been stopped in my life is in not believing in my greatest abilities. So, off the cliff I jump in practicing this belief.  I'm also feeling most vulnerable and raw in practicing non judgment as I practice being "love" in every moment. Since I struggle in maintaining non judgment throughout that process, I also get to practice the belief that "In love, I am perfect, whole and complete...exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not."
Word on the "brain science" street is that if we practice new and purposeful beliefs for 30 days straight (no skipping!) we can re-train our brain templates/defaults so that we actually see evidence and actions in alignment with the new beliefs.

One really great way I've been practicing living new beliefs is in making choices that are in alignment with what I'm committed to and not attached to how it happens (by a time, with particular people, in a particular way) which opens up INFINITE possibilities.  It's been hard, but the more I feel struggle the more I catch myself being attached to something in the struggle and I let it go.  Once again, breathing freely and joyfully as I imagine all the many options in honoring a commitment with total freedom.  Essentially, this practice eliminates the word SHOULD from how I choose to live and gives me total choice in every moment.

How I've been practicing the distinction "Commitment Vs. Attachment" to support my intentions for the year:

Heart- Clearly, as my dear friend Kristin pointed out in her observation of the imbalance of my heart chakra to all the others, I'm working my ASS off inviting love into all that I do (most intensely in relationship with my partner, which has been about the last 6 months.)  Believe me...there are many things hard about doing that.  Sometimes it's hard to practice non judgment of others in order to love them exactly as they are.  Other times, it's practicing being open, vulnerable and worthy of being seen when what I have to show is so hidden and scary to reveal.  And the more intimate I am with someone, the harder this is.  The hardest part of this practice is not believing the visceral responses (sometimes lasting for nanoseconds and other times for days) that I am not good enough for unconditional love.  Just when I want to run, hide, isolate, let my fears dictate what happens next...I let go of any conditions or attachments to how my journey should look and ask myself, "If I am perfect, whole and complete, and who I love is perfect, whole and complete, what would I choose right now?"  The more I practice this, the more compassion and patience I have and more personal risks I am willing to take.  Over time, I less often use "if" and practice "I am."  I am stronger than my fears....but, damn those fears are fucking fierce!  As I'm working with my partner to build our relationship, remembering these things helps me to stop and ask myself "What would it take, in this moment, to honor a commitment to a powerful, nurturing and fulfilling relationship and not be attached to any way of doing it?"  When I feel rejected, hurt, afraid...often the asking of this means I have to communicate where I am, reflect on how my old beliefs are responsible, engage with someone other than me (even when I want to hide the most) and truly consider ALL possibilities.  Then, when I choose freely to do whatever I choose to do in love, not because "I should"....I'm doing it as an authentic CHOICE that will honor the kind of relationship I'm committed to.  I feel this way of being in relationship honors the importance and difficulty of incorporating growth and freedom in our core.  Doing this in the last few months with such an incredibly supportive, powerful and insightful partner has been quite a roller coaster....but one that feels strong and purposeful, loving and nourishing.  This practice makes who I am in all of my relationships someone that is fully present and intentional about creating the most incredible relationship possible.  As much work as I do (and am responsible for) to create something amazing,  I have to acknowledge that I'm also a lucky, lucky woman having found such an amazing man to create that with.
*She says while asking "Where is the emoticon with the bashful smile to insert here?"* 






Head- In my professional and academic commitment I'm very clear (and have been for a while) that I want to engage the country in a powerful transformation of how we think about teachers. Radically altering how we honor the profession, I'm committed that this nation can create a culture where we value preparing and compensating teachers at the highest level, ultimately creating an educational system that is rooted in a belief in the infinite brilliance of children.  There are many pathways to achieving this. Two years ago I focused primarily on Harvard's Ed.L.D. program to get me there.  This process confronted (more than at any time in my life) any lack of belief in my intelligence that existed in any cell, anywhere in my being.  This year, as I begin the process of asking how I can honor my commitment, I'm clear that Harvard's program is one of the many pathways.  Of course, there are some other programs as well as organizations to connect with that can serve as a pathway.  And, I'm considering those as I work my plan for the year. However, if I'm fully believing in my brilliance, honoring my need for development in policy, economics and education and committed to national reform in policy and community at this level, that program is still a pretty great option.  So, I begin the process of application (again) from a belief that "I am brilliant enough..." (see March 2011 for my post application reflections).  My intention is to be accepted at the end of the application process AND not be attached to anything while I'm engaged in the process.   Try, try, again....right?

Body- Last year I took on believing that "I love my body...in this moment exactly how it is."  This showed up in many new choices over the year, including what I chose to consume and how I chose to treat my body. Amazing things happened and now I am ready to go to the next level, challenge myself more and get stronger--all the while, loving my body so much that I'm preparing it for the remainder of my life.  I started to practice the belief of "I'll be an athlete by the end of the year", but I quickly realized this was a conditional belief (when I get my body looking to a certain way or after I finish a particular exercise program, etc.) which is not a commitment, but an attachment and does not honor that "I am perfect, whole and complete...exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not."  Rather than create a conditional belief, I have chosen to practice that "I am an athlete" and in those moments, choose what I want to do.  Believing that about my body, with all the body image issues that have been brainwashed in me throughout my whole life, is as uncomfortable as anything I've ever done...it's the MOST intimate.  However, I have found that I'm eager to take on Bikram yoga again while having incredible compassion for the fact that I'm nowhere NEAR where I was when I practiced years ago.  I've signed up for a new athletic based community (CrossFit),  taken harder hikes, even running a little....all with patience, compassion and willingness to take risks. It feels easy to continue to eat healthy and I'm listening to my body and its needs as I choose to re-integrate alcohol into my life.  I've found that I'm much more selective and intentional about how I choose to treat my body and it doesn't feel difficult or like I'm struggling to make good choices.  I'd say of the 4 areas I focus on, this one feels most practiced from my work last year.  And still, I struggle against the brain template of how I "should" look and continue to REFUSE to make any choices from a "should", rather I make them from my commitment to honor, love and develop my body as an athlete would.

Spirit- My spiritual practice is grounded in my commitment to contribution.  My guiding question always is "How can I be my best self in order to be of service to others?" As I continue to engage this year's areas of growth, I'm clear they are grounded in this.  I have a lot to contribute and offer the world.  Clearly, the world has a lot to contribute and offer to me.  So, let's do this.

My commitment is that I can live a life where I am completely intentional about creating what I want and never letting my past or any default thinking get in the way of having it all.  To that end, my spiritual work IS practicing intentional beliefs created as ways to have total fulfillment and access to infinite growth.

2012-13 mantras for the year are:

"I am brilliant enough to accomplish anything."

"In love, I am perfect, whole and complete...exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not."

"This nation can create a culture where we value preparing and compensating teachers at the highest level, ultimately creating an educational system that is rooted in the belief in our childrens' brilliance."

"I am capable of being in powerful, nurturing and fulfilling relationships."

"I am an athlete."

"I am stronger than my fears."

"Being my best self is a contribution to the world."

You got a problem with my feelings? Tough shit.

First, the title is an inner dialogue.
Second, before I dig in, I just want to acknowledge that I'm creeping up on 11 months sober!!!!!  *In the spirit of full disclosure, I took 4 days off to enjoy NOLA Jazzfest cocktails in the hot tub.  But C'mon, son...who could blame me for taking a break from the break?*  Anyways...the clarity I've experienced this year has been an incredible journey.  I'm so grateful for this choice and to those of you who've encouraged me this year.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I'll toast to all of you on July 5th when the one year is up!  
Also, this blog is about to hit 2,500 hits ....I'd love your help to double that soon.  Please share if you think anything I'm sharing is of service to anyone else....I appreciate your love and support as I take this journey in its most raw and transparent form.  Love.
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I've realized lately just how deeply conflicted I am about being an "emotional" person.  I know I've written about anger and how I suppress that out of fear that I won't be able to control it.  But, I've rarely explored emotions that come from being hurt, vulnerable, or afraid.  I have been thinking a lot about how (as a woman who felt the need to be "tough" to be successful) I've chosen to take on traits that would serve this path and how taking on being tough has also not served me.  I also think it's interesting that I'm called into a profession that makes space for emotions (serving children and the educators who serve those children is HIGHLY emotional), and how good I am at avoiding them.  Hm.


A long time ago, early on in childhood, I internalized that if people really saw who I was inside that it was highly dangerous.  So, I started building walls to make sure no one could see what felt like my most vulnerable me.  Often, that meant hiding fears, sadness, important questions, and the array of emotional reactions I would have to my experiences.  Throughout my teen years, that turned into being super loud, funny and righteously confrontational....but still hiding my emotions. It's like I somehow learned that the traits of humor and being forthright with more masculine energy would get me further.  It did...it got me lots of friends, recognition, success and opportunities that I believed I wouldn't have had if I had really expressed my sensitive and emotional inner self.   In my relationships with men, it seemed to me that this message of danger when walls were down was HIGHLY reinforced by some experiences where my heart was shredded by their acts of dishonesty and cheating.  Later on, as a young adult in Atlanta and Oakland, I internalized that I had to be tough to protect myself and to advance my career/mission of education.  The only times I felt I could really let my walls down were when I was with kids....but, even that was in service of others, not in exploration of myself.  If I was engaged in political issues, school management, relationships in my community, social events, etc. I learned that what would serve me was energy that was:
*Passionate, but not vulnerable.
*Forceful, relentless, and never showing fears.
*Focused on hard work and good times, not making space for emotional turmoil.
*Focused on accomplishment, not the journey.


Developing these traits also got me plenty of relationships with men that were fun, adventurous, distant and (often) short lived. In many ways, this was amazing....I was able to get A LOT done in my career , have a great time, build a million stories of fun and adventure, build lots of community and keep my walls up, all the while not taking personal risks with my heart and spirit.  Clearly, this means I was living a huge part of my life in hiding...not being truly authentic with the world.  As I grow and work on being totally fulfilled, this means I have to be who I am and work to tear down the walls that hide me.  Let me tell you....walking the world as a completely authentic person is REALLY fucking hard work.  It means being honest about my emotions, digging into them to look for where they are acting as my walls (defense emotions) and where I'm suppressing them from habits of fear. It means finding a balance of who I really am outside of the normed traits I've taken on that are valued in the world (inherently white, male and hetero-normed) and how to balance being true to myself while successfully honoring my commitment to personal and global transformation. This doesn't mean that some of those traits are bad....I just have to inquire as to whether they are really ME or if I've normed them to satisfy my quest for success and fears of being exposed behind the walls.


In the past few years, as I've explored what it would look like to be completely fulfilled in my heart, spirit, body and mind, I've had to take on some really hard challenges.  In that vein, I've had to take on that if people could REALLY see me...walls down and fully exposed...that there's actually nothing to fear.  Clearly, this isn't easy....even as I write it now with all the growth I've made in this area, there's a voice in my head that says "getthefuckouttaherewiththatshit"...so clearly, I've got more work to do to un-brainwash myself from this belief.  But, I'm committed that this belief I created isn't real...that I can be love(d) and perfect, whole and complete as I allow my inner emotional self to emerge freely and fearlessly.   


The reason all this is on my brain is that this week was really, really tough for me, professionally and personally.  There's lots of transition happening in my career....all exciting and good, but hard and new.  There's lots of growth and deepening happening in a relationship I'm in...also, all exciting and good, but hard and new.  I feel raw, exhausted and incompetent as a "newly" authentic person.  I also feel blessed, excited and eager to get better at living with walls down.  It's hard to be excited about this, because my default feeling (when I'm raw and vulnerable and emotional) is that I'm a punk for spending so much time "feeling" and not getting the work done.  I feel weak and judgmental of myself.  I also know these are my walls fighting HARD to stay up and I have to just deal with it until it passes (and it always does.)  But, those of you who know me well, you know there is NOTHING about me that is even remotely cool with feeling like a punk.  It makes me want to fight, crush, destroy whatever feels like it's in my way to get past it.  Simply sitting with what comes up and engaging my loved ones in supporting me through it is the path I'm choosing. Every time I have a flare up of emotions and grapple with abandoning this path, this works to help me stay on it.  I become less afraid, experience tremendous growth and always feel stronger and stronger on the other end of it.  Being my fullest self exposed, believing that I'm whole and complete exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not, and being WITH my community as this person (not the facade of tough girl hiding this side of me) keeps building so much momentum for transformation that I'm constantly amazed and in wonder of the power of authenticity.  

This morning, my sister Cera Byer posted this.  
"i dont want you to love me the way a child loves a parent - full of fear of punishment, full of sneaking, & pressing the boundaries of how much you can get away with.
i dont want to love you the way a parent loves a child, responsible for holding the reigns of your behavior.
i want something different, something bigger, something that starts with both of us, as individuals, able to meet each other on a common ground of honesty & respect. a life where we act, every day, in alignment with who we want to be. 
love isn't about feelings. it's about the choices we make every day."


This makes me realize that I often dream of a world where we ALL realize we are at choice in every moment. A world where we create the life we want for ourselves and are victim to nothing. A world where we step fully into our responsibility for fulfillment and happiness....and where we can enter more powerfully into transforming that which does not work around us. Can you imagine a world when we have all achieved the balance of stepping into our power and being resigned to nothing?  It's dreams of this for myself and the world that fuel me every day.....consider this fuel for you, mmmmmk?


Before I go...a few things.  I want to thank the following people for being such an incredible source of support and love to me in so many ways as I've been on this roller coaster.  Sonya, Denise, hilary, Lynne, Alisha, Linsey, Micia, Leidene, Jill, Cera, Kristin, Randy, Caroline,Ellie, Geoff, Fish, Abdul Kenyatta, Chas, Baz, Patrick, Brian, Glenn, and Anthony. I love you all and am so grateful for your presence in my life....  

Lastly, I was reminded (thanks, Linsey) of don miguel ruiz's 4 Agreements as I struggled this week.  I share them here for their amazing foundational strength as we all choose to live in our power. Holler at me with your stories and/or what resonated for you in this blog.  I love hearing from you!  

the four agreements - don miguel ruiz's code for life

agreement 1

Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3

Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4

Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

**This blog brought to you with my Spotify Playlist "Jilly from Philly"