Remembering that I'm not late

....as I beat myself up for "taking too long" to get this done, not blogging more regularly and letting months go by without mapping out my goals for the year.
And, I'm not late.  I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and perfect in all the ways that I am and all the ways that I'm not.
Deep breath, and my life starts right this second.  So, here goes.

It has been about a month sober.  For the most part, it's been pretty easy and often funny. Easy, because I've not taken on sobriety from a place where I think anything is wrong.  This is just what I do now.  I'm not correcting anything from the past, I'm just noticing what it's like NOW, right this moment.  Funny, because my friends are super sweet and wanting to support me by not partaking in my presence.  :)  But, I am the first to whip up a delicious cocktail for my friends and I want people to be comfortable and do what they want.  My choice and journey has NOTHING to do with the lives and choices of my friends and peers.  In fact, I'm less likely to struggle with sobriety when I'm around my friends.  After all, a tonic with a splash of bitters does wonders for my life and so does my community!

What have I noticed in my sobriety? I continue to notice a pattern in when I'm tempted to indulge.  It usually is at the end of a day when I want to decompress or unwind and I don't have plans.  I believe it helps me to avoid confronting anxiety, sadness, being bored or lonely.  I have had a couple of situations recently that have made me really angry (that's a rare emotion in my world, mainly because I'm deeply afraid of being so angry I'll hurt someone) and I've joked about getting a few drinks to blow off steam.  But, I believe real anger is rooted in fear and avoiding fear seems like avoiding all of the other emotions above.  I'm certain this journey will illuminate much more for me, but the truth so far in my experience has been that I do not want to party socially (that's just fine sober), it's avoiding my emotions.  And, what I need to do is be with my friends and not perpetuate avoiding my feelings and thoughts, rather engage them in partnership with my loved ones.
One distinction I practice regularly is that "Nothing is wrong." That doesn't mean there aren't plenty of areas that aren't working, but this distinction helps me approach them from a place of non judgment.  I asked myself recently, if nothing is wrong then what do I need to escape from?  I started to examine this and I found that when I start from "Something's wrong" I try to escape relationships that are mutually fulfilling, personal exploration, intimacy, my body, learning and being accountable to that learning.  I then asked myself, what is "wrong" at the root of that?  Deep down, I struggle with fear of my thoughts (like this blog and taking the space to reflect) and fear of what others will see in me~ and deep, deep down, these are rooted in my deepest fear.  The fear that I'm not good enough.  Not good enough to live up to my ideas, my community and what the world (or I) need.
Sadly, I believe these voices or beliefs are common in all of us....in fact, I suspect (based on the thousands of people who have told me they suffer a similar torture) that the belief in one not being good enough is part of who we are as humans today.  I don't believe this is human nature, but I DO believe that when people engage in transformation (either in themselves or in the world) that this belief pops us and is often what stops us, or at the very least makes the journey much more difficult.

I'm about to go map out areas of my life that I want to set intentions around. I'd like to set them in 4 areas: My mind/study, my heart/love and being loved, my soul/service, and my body/health.  At the setting of these intentions, I must be clear that I will be facing the belief that I'm not good enough. I must literally practice believing that I am, so I can think big and not be (as much as possible) limited in what I believe I can do and be from this belief.  I also know, again, that I cannot do this alone.  For each intention, I will create a community to engage in and people I want to help support me/hold me accountable.   I'm grateful that so far this journey of sobriety has reinforced my need to interrupt my habit of turning inward when challenged by life.  Turning this around will be one of my intentions and one that is incredibly confronting for me.

I'll also publish these intentions, and will make space for sisters in my circle to practice the same exercises as I believe we must share our learnings with each other to overcome struggle and transform ourselves in order to transform the world.  So, more soon.

Finally, my sweet sisterfriend, Denise, asked me last night about my experience at Harbin (HAI courses are AMAZING) and I realized that again, I had turned inward to avoid the fear of engaging with community.  She asked some amazing questions like, "Are you finding that the lessons from there are continuing to serve you?" and "What is love to you?" and I went straight to a place of intellectual and tried to answer them.  I didn't go to a place of letting my emotions engage those powerful questions.  In doing that, I realized that I had met some amazing people, had some incredible connections and haven't reached out to engage in the continued lessons after the weekend OR reflected in partnership with people I love to explore what love is to me/us.  I just was floating from an incredible experience and have coasted on those fumes for a few weeks, mainly in isolation.  Don't get me wrong, I'm around people ALL the time.  Trust.  But, being with them and creating space where we care for each other is not what I'm doing as habit or with hard work on my end to open up that invitation.  That's about to change today.

Off to get my life right.  Love to all of you.
Maureen