Is the metamorphosis and journey of a butterfly painful?

I awoke this morning at 4.30 am and decided to peruse Hulu for something to watch....and being exhausted by all the news coverage of terrible politics and the horrific events of the last week, I decided to go to Nova.  I found The Incredible Journey of the Butterflies.  It's an amazing story of a phenomenon that has each generation of freshly hatched butterflies find their way to the same region of Mexico, regardless of where they begin.  This tells me they are profoundly wise about choosing such a beautiful destiny for themselves and incredibly resilient and strong to make it happen time after time, generation after generation.  It made me wish that we, as humans, were inherently willing to seek out the most challenging journeys to reach the most beautiful destination as our life path.

I've been in a perpetual state of metamorphosis.....for years really, but in particular lately I've been practicing the really hard art of balancing loving myself in my relationships while loving others too.  I'm quite good at taking care of others and being compassionate for their struggles....but for years I've allowed that to be the bulk of my relationships with everyone and I am not (YET) practiced in letting anyone take care of me. Just to ask for it feels like I'm standing in new skin. To expect it and engage in conversations about it feels like I have NO skin.  That is not an exaggeration.  I feel exposed and like what I'm asking for is highly dangerous.  It has been a while since I've felt so raw, fragile and wanting to retreat into a cocoon.  At the same time, I'm so clear about the path and my commitment to practicing this that it has carried me through weeks, if not months, of being triggered, sad, fearful and anxious.  It's been a long, long time since I've felt this way.

Watching the show this morning, I learned that caterpillars shed their skin 4 times before the 5th shedding becomes the cocoon, preparing them for the next life stage of flight and migration...an even more challenging phase.  This metaphor brought me great comfort and gratitude because I've been in such a grounded state of growth, fulfillment and practice for the last 4 years that (while I know intellectually I have so much more to learn) being so overwhelmed with rawness and confronted by fears felt surreal and confusing.  But, it is simply another reminder that I'm trying on my new skin (in relationship, with my family, friends, community) and that I need to live in it.  That's all. It's just new and I get to live in it.  And, my belief is that being in community exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not helps that skin get stronger and more protective.  I've got to keep living in it and engaging my community until that skin becomes strong and the next shedding comes around.  It really made me wonder......does the process of metamorphosing hurt?  Not that they have a choice, but what is the experience like? And then I thought how silly that question is.....the experience is just the experience, whatever it is. And, on the other end of it is new skin, new life and getting closer and closer to flying.

My experiences the last few months have been painful.  And re-affirming.  And scary.  And heart-wrenching.  And illuminating.  And exhausting.  And empowering.
And, I am shedding.  Again.
I am:
In love, like I have never been before.
Invested in my friendships and family in a way that feels completely new.
Trying to never leave things unsaid.
Trying to ask for what I need in my relationships.
Trying to balance caring for others and expecting that care right back.
Trying to practice unconditional love, compassion and patience.
Trying to practice those things on me and expecting that those who love me will do the same.
Trying to remember that everyone is on their own journey and choices we all make should be honored.
Being in clear communication with my loved ones about their choices and impact on me...and from love, engaging in choosing how WE create the fullest possibility of our relationship while honoring our own individual choices in that possibility.

And, this means lots of things.

It means people close to me are seeing things they've never seen from me.  I have friends who've known me for over 10 years that have only now in the last year seen me cry...have only now seen that I struggle.
It means I expect a lot of the people who I let be close to me.  (Well, truth be told I expect a lot of everyone, but if I'm going to let you take care of me then I'm going to be a hard stand for you to be your best self...and that can be hard for both of us.)
It means I'm going to fuck up....this is new and I'm committed to being my best self and I'm nowhere near that yet.
It means I need the same compassion, patience and forgiveness I work so hard to offer to everyone.
It means I have a lot of hard work to do....and I can't do it alone.
It means my relationships may change...some will get closer and deeper, some may drift apart.

What it doesn't mean is that I love anyone any less...I'm just learning to live a life where I receive the love I put out while being mindful of reciprocity, balance and that we're on an unknown journey of healing and transformation.

Something about the butterflies (once they hatch and begin their migration) I found particularly interesting was within a study that was conducted. Some scientists captured a bunch of butterflies en route from Canada as they were travelling through Kansas and transported them to Washington DC to see how such a move would impact their path. The ones they released immediately, headed straight south into Florida and the Caribbean and died.  The ones they held for a few days, able to watch the sun rise and set, re-routed themselves and headed South West and right back to the same region in Mexico they were originally heading.  No one knows how they do this....but I think the ENTIRE metamorphosis and journey to the unknown is an interesting metaphor for my life right now.

I'm committed to the most amazing life.....one of health, love, transformation, beauty and contribution to the world.  It's a journey that is not easy and requires learning, growth, practice and movement.  I'm committed to powerful relationships where we support each other and love on each other unconditionally.  I want to migrate with all of you.....have all of us fly together to the most beautiful destination AND not miss out on the beauty of the journey itself.  I was so moved and inspired by the butterflies who were able to stay on the path....by simply taking a few days to get re-grounded.  Watching the sun rise and set did something extraordinary for them.  It "re-set" them and meant that even with the most extreme obstacle (blindly moving them over 1,000 miles east) they were able to magically continue on and persevere.
This week, I remembered to just take some time and get "re-set"....to not keep on moving in suffering, regret and fear.  I have been rocked and de-centered for weeks....it's like I didn't know which way was up.  I've been raw, sick, sad, fearful, anxious.....all my old stuff coming up.  But, by noticing it, being in community, owning my lessons and knowing (not hoping) that on the other side things will be even better, the sun continued to rise and set....and my community was as solid as the sun.  I just paused.....I didn't try to fix anything or keep going from a place of being ungrounded.  I noticed my anguish, anxiety, fears....and kept engaging in honesty with those I love.  I didn't rush to resolve things or wrap it up neatly with a bow.  I just sat in complete and total disequilibrium and confusion and shared without shame.  I did this in private conversations and publicly on Facedick.
After three weeks I'm finally getting clear about my direction and feel back on track.
I've set up an appointment with a counselor/healer who I love that focuses on intimacy and relationships.
I'm back in touch with a few friends I lost touch with.
I'm taking walks.
I'm eating.
I'm cooking.
I'm treating others the way I want to be treated.
I'm expecting to be treated in the same way.

I'm remembering that everything is a choice and when I feel that it isn't, I need to stop and get re-grounded to get back on my chosen path.  I'm committed to powerful relationships and to the journey in those relationships....and to loyalty to work through all the times where we shed our skin.
I choose to share openly in the hopes that you will join me, however you choose to fly.
I, choose to fly.