You got a problem with my feelings? Tough shit.

First, the title is an inner dialogue.
Second, before I dig in, I just want to acknowledge that I'm creeping up on 11 months sober!!!!!  *In the spirit of full disclosure, I took 4 days off to enjoy NOLA Jazzfest cocktails in the hot tub.  But C'mon, son...who could blame me for taking a break from the break?*  Anyways...the clarity I've experienced this year has been an incredible journey.  I'm so grateful for this choice and to those of you who've encouraged me this year.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I'll toast to all of you on July 5th when the one year is up!  
Also, this blog is about to hit 2,500 hits ....I'd love your help to double that soon.  Please share if you think anything I'm sharing is of service to anyone else....I appreciate your love and support as I take this journey in its most raw and transparent form.  Love.
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I've realized lately just how deeply conflicted I am about being an "emotional" person.  I know I've written about anger and how I suppress that out of fear that I won't be able to control it.  But, I've rarely explored emotions that come from being hurt, vulnerable, or afraid.  I have been thinking a lot about how (as a woman who felt the need to be "tough" to be successful) I've chosen to take on traits that would serve this path and how taking on being tough has also not served me.  I also think it's interesting that I'm called into a profession that makes space for emotions (serving children and the educators who serve those children is HIGHLY emotional), and how good I am at avoiding them.  Hm.


A long time ago, early on in childhood, I internalized that if people really saw who I was inside that it was highly dangerous.  So, I started building walls to make sure no one could see what felt like my most vulnerable me.  Often, that meant hiding fears, sadness, important questions, and the array of emotional reactions I would have to my experiences.  Throughout my teen years, that turned into being super loud, funny and righteously confrontational....but still hiding my emotions. It's like I somehow learned that the traits of humor and being forthright with more masculine energy would get me further.  It did...it got me lots of friends, recognition, success and opportunities that I believed I wouldn't have had if I had really expressed my sensitive and emotional inner self.   In my relationships with men, it seemed to me that this message of danger when walls were down was HIGHLY reinforced by some experiences where my heart was shredded by their acts of dishonesty and cheating.  Later on, as a young adult in Atlanta and Oakland, I internalized that I had to be tough to protect myself and to advance my career/mission of education.  The only times I felt I could really let my walls down were when I was with kids....but, even that was in service of others, not in exploration of myself.  If I was engaged in political issues, school management, relationships in my community, social events, etc. I learned that what would serve me was energy that was:
*Passionate, but not vulnerable.
*Forceful, relentless, and never showing fears.
*Focused on hard work and good times, not making space for emotional turmoil.
*Focused on accomplishment, not the journey.


Developing these traits also got me plenty of relationships with men that were fun, adventurous, distant and (often) short lived. In many ways, this was amazing....I was able to get A LOT done in my career , have a great time, build a million stories of fun and adventure, build lots of community and keep my walls up, all the while not taking personal risks with my heart and spirit.  Clearly, this means I was living a huge part of my life in hiding...not being truly authentic with the world.  As I grow and work on being totally fulfilled, this means I have to be who I am and work to tear down the walls that hide me.  Let me tell you....walking the world as a completely authentic person is REALLY fucking hard work.  It means being honest about my emotions, digging into them to look for where they are acting as my walls (defense emotions) and where I'm suppressing them from habits of fear. It means finding a balance of who I really am outside of the normed traits I've taken on that are valued in the world (inherently white, male and hetero-normed) and how to balance being true to myself while successfully honoring my commitment to personal and global transformation. This doesn't mean that some of those traits are bad....I just have to inquire as to whether they are really ME or if I've normed them to satisfy my quest for success and fears of being exposed behind the walls.


In the past few years, as I've explored what it would look like to be completely fulfilled in my heart, spirit, body and mind, I've had to take on some really hard challenges.  In that vein, I've had to take on that if people could REALLY see me...walls down and fully exposed...that there's actually nothing to fear.  Clearly, this isn't easy....even as I write it now with all the growth I've made in this area, there's a voice in my head that says "getthefuckouttaherewiththatshit"...so clearly, I've got more work to do to un-brainwash myself from this belief.  But, I'm committed that this belief I created isn't real...that I can be love(d) and perfect, whole and complete as I allow my inner emotional self to emerge freely and fearlessly.   


The reason all this is on my brain is that this week was really, really tough for me, professionally and personally.  There's lots of transition happening in my career....all exciting and good, but hard and new.  There's lots of growth and deepening happening in a relationship I'm in...also, all exciting and good, but hard and new.  I feel raw, exhausted and incompetent as a "newly" authentic person.  I also feel blessed, excited and eager to get better at living with walls down.  It's hard to be excited about this, because my default feeling (when I'm raw and vulnerable and emotional) is that I'm a punk for spending so much time "feeling" and not getting the work done.  I feel weak and judgmental of myself.  I also know these are my walls fighting HARD to stay up and I have to just deal with it until it passes (and it always does.)  But, those of you who know me well, you know there is NOTHING about me that is even remotely cool with feeling like a punk.  It makes me want to fight, crush, destroy whatever feels like it's in my way to get past it.  Simply sitting with what comes up and engaging my loved ones in supporting me through it is the path I'm choosing. Every time I have a flare up of emotions and grapple with abandoning this path, this works to help me stay on it.  I become less afraid, experience tremendous growth and always feel stronger and stronger on the other end of it.  Being my fullest self exposed, believing that I'm whole and complete exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not, and being WITH my community as this person (not the facade of tough girl hiding this side of me) keeps building so much momentum for transformation that I'm constantly amazed and in wonder of the power of authenticity.  

This morning, my sister Cera Byer posted this.  
"i dont want you to love me the way a child loves a parent - full of fear of punishment, full of sneaking, & pressing the boundaries of how much you can get away with.
i dont want to love you the way a parent loves a child, responsible for holding the reigns of your behavior.
i want something different, something bigger, something that starts with both of us, as individuals, able to meet each other on a common ground of honesty & respect. a life where we act, every day, in alignment with who we want to be. 
love isn't about feelings. it's about the choices we make every day."


This makes me realize that I often dream of a world where we ALL realize we are at choice in every moment. A world where we create the life we want for ourselves and are victim to nothing. A world where we step fully into our responsibility for fulfillment and happiness....and where we can enter more powerfully into transforming that which does not work around us. Can you imagine a world when we have all achieved the balance of stepping into our power and being resigned to nothing?  It's dreams of this for myself and the world that fuel me every day.....consider this fuel for you, mmmmmk?


Before I go...a few things.  I want to thank the following people for being such an incredible source of support and love to me in so many ways as I've been on this roller coaster.  Sonya, Denise, hilary, Lynne, Alisha, Linsey, Micia, Leidene, Jill, Cera, Kristin, Randy, Caroline,Ellie, Geoff, Fish, Abdul Kenyatta, Chas, Baz, Patrick, Brian, Glenn, and Anthony. I love you all and am so grateful for your presence in my life....  

Lastly, I was reminded (thanks, Linsey) of don miguel ruiz's 4 Agreements as I struggled this week.  I share them here for their amazing foundational strength as we all choose to live in our power. Holler at me with your stories and/or what resonated for you in this blog.  I love hearing from you!  

the four agreements - don miguel ruiz's code for life

agreement 1

Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3

Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4

Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

**This blog brought to you with my Spotify Playlist "Jilly from Philly"