All awakening to love is spiritual awakening. ~bell hooks

Journey of the Heart:  The Path of Conscious Love "Dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love- which is to transform us." John Welwood
*Warning, I'm going to quote the shit out of bell hooks today.  Be ready.

For years I've been deeply committed to the possibility of transformation in the world~ of our systemic and societal perpetuation of domination and oppression.  Yet, over and over again I keep coming back to the most essential element of transformation~starting with self.  I remember the sweet Buddy Wakefield saying to me about 4 years ago, "If you're gonna take on coaching and supporting everyone else in transforming, you've got to do the work yourself and keep up with your own shit."  At the time I kind of blew him off, but I've realized how right he was and how much easier it is to be consumed in all of the "other" things that seemed to need my attention, thereby neglecting my own developmental needs for support.  Easier because

• So many things seem so much more important than me 
• It's so much more enjoyable to put the magnifying glass on all things 'broken' everywhere else 
• Focus on me means letting others see me, in all my imperfect glory, and with that comes TREMENDOUS fear

Somewhere along the way (I can pinpoint a few experiences from childhood through young adulthood that are the origins of my fears) my brain created the belief that "If I'm seen for the flawed being that I am, I'll be destroyed." This fear of being seen has manifested in a few positive attributes as well as ones that cause suffering.  On one hand, I'm incredibly independent and resourceful.  I get shit done, with or without help.  On the other hand, I don't get the benefit of others' love when I'm in need because I won't even show I'm in need of help or support, usually taking on too much in my life to keep busy and avoid being in community in my struggle.  I stay alone to navigate my suffering.  What's crazy about that is that I KNOW I'M NOT ALONE.  Many of us fear being seen and so we hide from each other~ in spite of our common struggles and fears as well as the CLEAR benefit of outside perspective and support that come from love.  

"In today's world we are taught to fear the truth, to believe it always hurts. ...Commitment to knowing love can protect us by keeping us wedded to a life of truth, willing to share ourselves openly and fully in both private and public life. " bell hooks

And so, the consequences of living with this fear like it's the truth has me living like a fraud (not being real) and denying my loved ones the opportunity to give love (incredibly selfish.)   Being open with my loved ones about my struggles, needs, fears, sadness, etc. is my authentic commitment to truth.  To practice doing that in spite of all my fears that airing them will lead to destruction and pain, helps me squash the belief that being seen= destruction PLUS allows love to work its magic. This work is simply practicing that being seen as my fullest self is joyful and will only bring me relief and fulfillment.  Nothing is destroyed by bringing light into the places in me that have not been illuminated.  In fact, being really seen (struggles and all) is an act of revolution.  It allows us to nurture, strengthen and love each other, building interdependent and interconnected community that counteracts the societal oppressions that tell us we're weak and that nothing will ever change.  

"Community cannot take root in a divided life.  Long before community assumes external shape and form, it must be present as a seed in the undivided self: only as we are in communion with ourselves can we find community in others." Parker Palmer 

In order to be in communion with myself, the other belief I must practice to face and conquer my fears is that "In love, I am perfect, whole and complete...exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not."  It allows me to imagine that my struggles are also perfection.  This belief helps me eliminate normal descriptors I use like "flawed" or "broken" and allows me to embrace my struggles with a little more compassion and courage.  Lately, I've been surrounded by numerous powerful women that are struggling with asking for help.  It's like a theme and I'm convinced it's another example of the universe providing EXACTLY what I need at EXACTLY the time I need it.  If I can see myself in others, I can begin to receive love with empathy, reflection and profound learning.  I'm incredibly grateful to these women for their courage, openness, and selfless gifts in giving and sharing. Seeing myself in others is immeasurably helpful. Knowing that we are taking on this challenge together, in sisterhood, fuels me to more deeply engage in shattering the ceilings that have boxed us in for too long.


"Fear is the primary force upholding structures of domination.  It promotes the desire for separation, the desire not to be known...When we choose to love we choose to move against fear--against alienation and separation.  The choice to love is a choice to connect- to find ourselves in each other." bell hooks

The last few years have required a tremendous amount of energy and intention to interrupt my historical pattern of hiding through giving.   I have to fight off the guilt I feel at prioritizing my own spiritual, mental and physical nourishment over my professional contribution to the world.  I have to be willing to be seen by those that love me, and receive the love that I so willingly give.  This has NOT been a simple task.  It's meant thousands of hours of conversations, writing, reading, meditating, courses, reflection, experimenting and experiencing the pain that comes with cracking open so many layers upon layers of walls that I've built to avoid letting anyone see me. Three years after reclaiming my life back and committing to a life of complete balance and fulfillment,  I'm beginning to realize the enormity of the job that is undoing YEARS of self-neglect.  And, the more I've listened to my heart, mind, body, spirit, the more I keep realizing how malnourished I was after NOT putting myself first or allowing myself to be vulnerable/ in need in my community/relationships.

"Spiritual life is first and foremost about commitment to a way of thinking and behaving that honors principles of inter-being and interconnectedness." bell hooks

At the same time, I'm really surprised that I've needed to take so much time (since quitting my daily grind in public schools) after 13 years of the grueling work of being a teacher/administrator deeply engaged in reform.  I just figured I needed a few months off to rest and then jump right back into my next project.  But, as I dig in I realize this is not a short path. It's a lifelong journey of discovery, tackling fears, building relationships, believing that stepping into my greatness comes with being authentically seen and many, many unknown lessons to come. What I thought would be a short "break" from my professional career to rest, reflect and rejuvenate has become a concurrent path that will forever be intertwined with my commitment to engaging the world in the possibility of unconditional love and infinite growth.  What's helpful to me is that I realize that my contribution to the world will be SO much more powerful if my spirit, mind and body are well cared for and nourished.
Taking on this journey by being seen in community/relationships as my authentic self (struggles AND strengths), asking for help, receiving as much love as I give to others and believing that
'In love, I am whole, perfect and complete...exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not'
is an incredible opportunity.  Just seeing that this path exists is a blessing....but believing that this path is my destined journey brings me indescribable gratitude.  I am so grateful that I've been able to see that this is possible, fruitful and necessary.  I will NOT turn my back on this opportunity. I will NOT turn my back on love.

"When the practice of love invites us to enter a place of potential bliss that is at the same time a place of critical awakening and pain, many of us turn our backs on love." bell hooks

As you can see, bell hooks has had a tremendous influence on me lately.  I've learned that the fears and pain that come with being open to love is the transformation I need, for myself and for what I want to contribute to the world.  I've learned that the awakening IS critical and not dangerous at all. In fact, every time I've embraced being open to receiving love, asked for what I needed, shared parts of myself that weren't all "perfect looking" and communicated authentically (with or without fears), I get EXACTLY what I need.  I get challenged, supported, nurtured, heard, and loved. Every time.  It might not be how I thought it would look, but it's consistently what I need. Every time.
I encourage all of you to try it today.....try being open to love, asking for what you need and accepting it.  There's an amazing adventure for you on the other side of that.

Love, love, love,
Maureen