Is the metamorphosis and journey of a butterfly painful?

I awoke this morning at 4.30 am and decided to peruse Hulu for something to watch....and being exhausted by all the news coverage of terrible politics and the horrific events of the last week, I decided to go to Nova.  I found The Incredible Journey of the Butterflies.  It's an amazing story of a phenomenon that has each generation of freshly hatched butterflies find their way to the same region of Mexico, regardless of where they begin.  This tells me they are profoundly wise about choosing such a beautiful destiny for themselves and incredibly resilient and strong to make it happen time after time, generation after generation.  It made me wish that we, as humans, were inherently willing to seek out the most challenging journeys to reach the most beautiful destination as our life path.

I've been in a perpetual state of metamorphosis.....for years really, but in particular lately I've been practicing the really hard art of balancing loving myself in my relationships while loving others too.  I'm quite good at taking care of others and being compassionate for their struggles....but for years I've allowed that to be the bulk of my relationships with everyone and I am not (YET) practiced in letting anyone take care of me. Just to ask for it feels like I'm standing in new skin. To expect it and engage in conversations about it feels like I have NO skin.  That is not an exaggeration.  I feel exposed and like what I'm asking for is highly dangerous.  It has been a while since I've felt so raw, fragile and wanting to retreat into a cocoon.  At the same time, I'm so clear about the path and my commitment to practicing this that it has carried me through weeks, if not months, of being triggered, sad, fearful and anxious.  It's been a long, long time since I've felt this way.

Watching the show this morning, I learned that caterpillars shed their skin 4 times before the 5th shedding becomes the cocoon, preparing them for the next life stage of flight and migration...an even more challenging phase.  This metaphor brought me great comfort and gratitude because I've been in such a grounded state of growth, fulfillment and practice for the last 4 years that (while I know intellectually I have so much more to learn) being so overwhelmed with rawness and confronted by fears felt surreal and confusing.  But, it is simply another reminder that I'm trying on my new skin (in relationship, with my family, friends, community) and that I need to live in it.  That's all. It's just new and I get to live in it.  And, my belief is that being in community exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not helps that skin get stronger and more protective.  I've got to keep living in it and engaging my community until that skin becomes strong and the next shedding comes around.  It really made me wonder......does the process of metamorphosing hurt?  Not that they have a choice, but what is the experience like? And then I thought how silly that question is.....the experience is just the experience, whatever it is. And, on the other end of it is new skin, new life and getting closer and closer to flying.

My experiences the last few months have been painful.  And re-affirming.  And scary.  And heart-wrenching.  And illuminating.  And exhausting.  And empowering.
And, I am shedding.  Again.
I am:
In love, like I have never been before.
Invested in my friendships and family in a way that feels completely new.
Trying to never leave things unsaid.
Trying to ask for what I need in my relationships.
Trying to balance caring for others and expecting that care right back.
Trying to practice unconditional love, compassion and patience.
Trying to practice those things on me and expecting that those who love me will do the same.
Trying to remember that everyone is on their own journey and choices we all make should be honored.
Being in clear communication with my loved ones about their choices and impact on me...and from love, engaging in choosing how WE create the fullest possibility of our relationship while honoring our own individual choices in that possibility.

And, this means lots of things.

It means people close to me are seeing things they've never seen from me.  I have friends who've known me for over 10 years that have only now in the last year seen me cry...have only now seen that I struggle.
It means I expect a lot of the people who I let be close to me.  (Well, truth be told I expect a lot of everyone, but if I'm going to let you take care of me then I'm going to be a hard stand for you to be your best self...and that can be hard for both of us.)
It means I'm going to fuck up....this is new and I'm committed to being my best self and I'm nowhere near that yet.
It means I need the same compassion, patience and forgiveness I work so hard to offer to everyone.
It means I have a lot of hard work to do....and I can't do it alone.
It means my relationships may change...some will get closer and deeper, some may drift apart.

What it doesn't mean is that I love anyone any less...I'm just learning to live a life where I receive the love I put out while being mindful of reciprocity, balance and that we're on an unknown journey of healing and transformation.

Something about the butterflies (once they hatch and begin their migration) I found particularly interesting was within a study that was conducted. Some scientists captured a bunch of butterflies en route from Canada as they were travelling through Kansas and transported them to Washington DC to see how such a move would impact their path. The ones they released immediately, headed straight south into Florida and the Caribbean and died.  The ones they held for a few days, able to watch the sun rise and set, re-routed themselves and headed South West and right back to the same region in Mexico they were originally heading.  No one knows how they do this....but I think the ENTIRE metamorphosis and journey to the unknown is an interesting metaphor for my life right now.

I'm committed to the most amazing life.....one of health, love, transformation, beauty and contribution to the world.  It's a journey that is not easy and requires learning, growth, practice and movement.  I'm committed to powerful relationships where we support each other and love on each other unconditionally.  I want to migrate with all of you.....have all of us fly together to the most beautiful destination AND not miss out on the beauty of the journey itself.  I was so moved and inspired by the butterflies who were able to stay on the path....by simply taking a few days to get re-grounded.  Watching the sun rise and set did something extraordinary for them.  It "re-set" them and meant that even with the most extreme obstacle (blindly moving them over 1,000 miles east) they were able to magically continue on and persevere.
This week, I remembered to just take some time and get "re-set"....to not keep on moving in suffering, regret and fear.  I have been rocked and de-centered for weeks....it's like I didn't know which way was up.  I've been raw, sick, sad, fearful, anxious.....all my old stuff coming up.  But, by noticing it, being in community, owning my lessons and knowing (not hoping) that on the other side things will be even better, the sun continued to rise and set....and my community was as solid as the sun.  I just paused.....I didn't try to fix anything or keep going from a place of being ungrounded.  I noticed my anguish, anxiety, fears....and kept engaging in honesty with those I love.  I didn't rush to resolve things or wrap it up neatly with a bow.  I just sat in complete and total disequilibrium and confusion and shared without shame.  I did this in private conversations and publicly on Facedick.
After three weeks I'm finally getting clear about my direction and feel back on track.
I've set up an appointment with a counselor/healer who I love that focuses on intimacy and relationships.
I'm back in touch with a few friends I lost touch with.
I'm taking walks.
I'm eating.
I'm cooking.
I'm treating others the way I want to be treated.
I'm expecting to be treated in the same way.

I'm remembering that everything is a choice and when I feel that it isn't, I need to stop and get re-grounded to get back on my chosen path.  I'm committed to powerful relationships and to the journey in those relationships....and to loyalty to work through all the times where we shed our skin.
I choose to share openly in the hopes that you will join me, however you choose to fly.
I, choose to fly.

Why the Chicago Teachers Union strike is an important national conversation

My father (the most loving conservative I know) visited me recently and asked me my thoughts on the Chicago strike, so I shared that this was an important moment in the history of our country for education.  It didn't seem that this strike had ANYTHING to do with wanting more money or to not be accountable (as he believed based on his heavily based Fox news input) but it had to do with being a stand for being paid fairly for longer days and to have a COLA increase-see actual raise below, it's laughable- while refusing to further endanger the lives of their already at risk children by risking high teacher turnover engaging in a faulty evaluation system. My father shared that he had heard starting salaries were at almost $80,000 per year and that teachers were ultimately getting a 16% raise.  I informed him that this was the propaganda machine hard at work to continue to make teachers seem evil.  Putting aside my personal belief that starting salary SHOULD be at $100,000 per year, the reality is that the median salary for Chicago teachers (INCLUDING VETERANS!!) is about 56k per year.  How news stations/propaganda machines can ethically report a starting salary of 80k is appalling.  In addition, the average COLA increase for social security recipients (government regulated) is 3.6% per year.  Over 4 years...this would be close to 14.5%. When asking conservatives if this seems fair for social security benefits, I'm certain this COLA would be fine...UNLESS you're asking this to count for teachers.
What did the teachers get? 
Straight from the contract: Year 1: 3% Year 2: 2% Year 3: 2% OPTIONAL Year 4: 3% (CTU may decide to take the additional year under the existing terms or begin bargaining new Agreement).  

A WHOPPING 10% OVER 4 YEARS!   This includes an extra week of work per year for elementary and two weeks per year for high school teachers (basic math tells us the increase in hours is actually about 2.8% for elementary and 5% for secondary, meaning high school teachers are working MORE their first two years for free).  So, they are UNDER average COLA and have added hours of work time per year.  Can someone tell me ANY profession where fighting for this would be the atrocity conservatives are making this?!

In addition, the really big argument was how to implement the state law that requires state testing as part of the evaluation.  There are MAJOR, MAJOR issues with this philosophy and method of implementation.  First off, state tests have been proven highly ineffective at assessing learning. In addition, there are so many other factors to consider in how/why children learn or don't learn AND how they show that learning.  These factors include poverty, hunger, quality of the teachers in years past, safety and climate of the school and the neighborhood and THE PIECE WE CAN AND SHOULD BE RESPONSIBLE FOR, the quality of the tests.  Given that there is so much controversy and movement to create effective tests, what profession in THEIR RIGHT MIND would agree to be evaluated by results on an ineffective testing system?! Teachers have stated over and over that they are fine to be accountable to results, but to commit professional suicide by allowing the current system that has massive flaws to play a major role in evaluating teacher effectiveness simply tells us what we've always known.....that teachers are smart.  And, that they care enough about the kids and the profession to ensure they fight for their low paying, never glorifying jobs to support having consistency and experience in the classrooms that need it the most.  

Diane Ravitch in The Death and Life of the Great American School System breaks down a few important elements of the tests, how they are regularly ineffective at measuring progress and often "dumbed down" by states who are afraid of the repercussions of NCLB.  Linda Darling Hammond tells us repeatedly how testing in Finland and Australia puts our testing to shame.  Given that the latest reform movement (Race to the Top) has states looking to completely revamp their testing AND that in 2014 we will be rolling out new common core standards, thus rolling out new assessments that will likely require several years to work out the kinks, WHY IN ANY COMMON SENSE THINKING does it exist NOW to incorporate state assessments as part of teacher evaluation?
Since my daddy taught me never to complain without a few solutions, I offer an answer.....include teachers heavily in the development and piloting of highly effective tests like authentic assessment and open ended questions that ask students to evaluate, predict and synthesize.  Get rid of multiple choice assessments and invest in our young people's creativity and multiple intelligences. When we do that, we will see the creative juices of teachers begin to flow as they shed fears of mandates and bubble test results. We will see classrooms full of lively debate and engaging critical thinking as multiple intelligences are honored and allow for a variety of ways to demonstrate proficiency in skills. And, take time to implement this thoughtfully. When we have it right (which really doesn't have to be that hard since several countries are ALREADY doing this well by having authentic assessment and amazing conditions and pay for teachers), then we can talk about using effective measures to increase accountability.  
But for now, failing schools, systems and policy making is where we should be directing our anger. The kids are not failing, and for the most part, the teachers are not failing. They are being asked to do brain surgery (often with limited training and support) on the fly, in a war zone and being asked for high rates of survival.  It's a joke.
Should teachers be accountable?  Absolutely.....but first, let's get real about the blatant irresponsibility and gall of policy makers, systems leaders and testing corporations  and how they are blowing smoke and mirrors movements that are PROVEN to be ineffective; charter schools, merit pay and our testing linked to evaluations.  Reform of our compensation and preparation for teachers coupled with creating an effective assessment system would DRAMATICALLY increase our society's critical thinking, entrepreneurship, and shift the positional power in our nation.  For us to ALLOW these same people in power to run a propaganda machine that seeks out teachers as the bad guys for simply demanding fair conditions to continue to attempt to engage in a system designed for failure, and the incredible amount of people who buy it, is further proof of how effective our current school system is.  WE ARE DUMBED DOWN. Until we, as a nation, are willing to stand up to those with historic positional power and wealth (which the CTU did this month), we should be clear that we are getting EXACTLY what the system is designed to create; workers that don't ask hard questions, don't fight and do what they're told. We're not a nation that has an education system designed to create powerful contributors in a democratic society, because those with the wealth and power are perfectly happy with things the way they are. It works for them and the movement to demonize teachers is clear evidence of the fight to keep it the way it is.
Wake up, shake it off and get mad!  We are smarter than this, our kids deserve to have their brilliance shine and blossom, and we are being fooled into believing that an appalling minimum effort is actual reform.  TO END, I want you all to really know what the CTU members won this month.....and ask yourself, are THESE the bad guys? 
Their new contract has provisions such as adding $1.5 million dollars for more special education teachers, a promise to hire more social workers, nurses, and counselors, a guarantee to have textbooks on the first day of class, an increase from $100 to $250 given to teachers for supplies, new clauses about including parents on class size monitoring committees, $.5 million dollars for class size reductions, allowing teachers to follow their own lesson plan formats instead of using the top-down mandated one, an anti-bullying clause against workplace bullying by poor administrators, and 600 new music, art, and gym teachers.  The CTU also stopped the collaborative-culture-crushing idea of merit pay, preserved steps and lanes in the salary schedule to ensure we value experience and education in our teaching workforce, and kept the use of student test scores in teacher evaluation to the legal minimum. (http://mskatiesramblings.blogspot.com/2012/09/dear-mrmayor-there-is-hope-for-chicagos.html?spref=tw&m=1)

What jerks.

Occupyyourbrain people....if not for you, for the brilliant minds of our children who are inheriting this disaster.  

What my relationships with men would look like if men were feminists.

As a white woman who is committed to living my life as an anti-racist, there are a few important things I choose to practice in my thinking/looking/living.  First, from the teachings of Derrick Bell and Critical Race Theory, I believe in the Permanence of Racism~that racism is consistently present in our thinking and actions. For me this means that being an anti racist, regardless of any level of consciousness or my best intentions, is having to constantly examine where the indoctrination of racism appears in my mindset (no matter how seemingly small) and ensure that I am making intentional choices in how I choose to move forward vs. falling back on any default behaviors.  This is no easy way of being. It means constantly acknowledging how my whiteness shows up in my thinking and how others skin color impacts that thinking.  This leads to the second practice for me in this commitment which is remembering that identifying racist thinking and actions in myself does not make me a racist.  It means that I WAS TAUGHT TO BE ONE by society and the art of interrupting starts with acknowledging there is something to interrupt!  Pretending there is nothing there because of our fear that we are racist or believing that consciousness about racism is sufficient, is actually being committed to racism.  When I look, sometimes racism shows up for me as an internal dialogue that says "I know best" or a Great White Hope saves the day story, which leads to lessening my listening to other perspectives. Other times it shows up as having a visceral response to a person of color, often someone I don't know, that generates an unfounded fear or suspicion.  Being honest about this is hard...but NOT being honest about this perpetuates racism, which is the opposite of my declared and practiced commitment.  Finally, remembering that the people most IMPACTED by racism are NOT responsible for helping me to see how racism plays out in me is essential.  Asking those that bear the burden of any "ism" to add more to their burden by helping me with my "blind spots" is one of the ways in which the privilege of the oppressor rears its ugly head and perpetuates oppression.
So...I'm clear about this as it relates to racism and how I choose to engage interrupting it.  Why is this less clear for me as a woman who seeks partnership with men?   Oh, I know...my internalized sexism would have me believe that I'm not worthy of the following consideration.

Imagine how this would play out...
First, a commitment from any man that I'm in ANY relationship with that misogyny and sexism always exists in our dynamic.  There would be no debate about whether or not patriarchy is playing out in our relationship, just acceptance that it must be something to look for if we are committed to interrupting it.  Also, it would mean that men (and women) would be practicing that finding examples of sexism in our thinking is NOT what makes us sexist.  We'd remember that patriarchy is the way we've been trained and, if we want to dismantle that training, the work is for men to look for how they are perpetuating the oppression of women and for women to look for how we are accepting/expecting that oppression. Woah.  When I look, I see how I'm supposed to keep it all together to serve and support men and put my needs last.  I see when my perspective is blown off and not considered how 1. misogynistic that is and 2. how sexism plays out in my reaction when I second guess how valuable my perspective was in the first place and 3. how quickly I move to smooth things over, as if disrupting the comfort of men is a problem. As if disrupting the comfort of men is a problem.  If all men were willing to get to the root of their thinking when misogyny appears and practice the belief that women are equal and worthy instead of whatever they were thinking when the awareness of their sexism was showing up, WE ALL would be making much greater headway in the world. Period. (Pun intended).
Finally, depending on me to point this out to you (and often fighting it while I am) is added weight on the already absurdly long list of burdens I bear as a woman dedicated to being treated as the brilliant, worthy, and powerful human being I am.  Just believing in my brilliance, worth and power makes me TIRED. Practicing that and demanding that I am seen that way has me REAL TIRED.  So, men....can you do me a solid and do the work on your own to look for where YOU treat us as if we're lesser than you? Even if you are "CONSCIOUS" and belong to some communities that are down for women? In fact, especially then.  I promise I'll have a lot more energy, you'll benefit from my gratitude and happiness and the world will be a much better place with you working to leave no trace of patriarchy behind you.
Now, the question is...are you READY for me to have a lot more energy?  This is me tired.  :)

Every year for the past three years, I've engaged in a process of setting big areas of growth for myself in my heart, head, body and spirit.  In order to do that well, I believe I must find where I'm not fulfilled in each of those areas, figure out what belief is at the root of that lack of fulfillment, imagine the OPPOSITE belief (even if it feels weird and uncomfortable) and then imagine total fulfillment from that new and intentionally chosen belief.  Yeah.  It's a lot.

Thankfully I have an amazing community that offers incredible perspectives and amounts of love and support to help me push myself every year.  This year, kicking and screaming, I got to the most uncomfortable belief to practice: "I am brilliant enough to accomplish anything."  It makes me cringe just typing it.  But, if I'm being honest about what it takes to step into my fullest power, in all the places I've been stopped in my life is in not believing in my greatest abilities. So, off the cliff I jump in practicing this belief.  I'm also feeling most vulnerable and raw in practicing non judgment as I practice being "love" in every moment. Since I struggle in maintaining non judgment throughout that process, I also get to practice the belief that "In love, I am perfect, whole and complete...exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not."
Word on the "brain science" street is that if we practice new and purposeful beliefs for 30 days straight (no skipping!) we can re-train our brain templates/defaults so that we actually see evidence and actions in alignment with the new beliefs.

One really great way I've been practicing living new beliefs is in making choices that are in alignment with what I'm committed to and not attached to how it happens (by a time, with particular people, in a particular way) which opens up INFINITE possibilities.  It's been hard, but the more I feel struggle the more I catch myself being attached to something in the struggle and I let it go.  Once again, breathing freely and joyfully as I imagine all the many options in honoring a commitment with total freedom.  Essentially, this practice eliminates the word SHOULD from how I choose to live and gives me total choice in every moment.

How I've been practicing the distinction "Commitment Vs. Attachment" to support my intentions for the year:

Heart- Clearly, as my dear friend Kristin pointed out in her observation of the imbalance of my heart chakra to all the others, I'm working my ASS off inviting love into all that I do (most intensely in relationship with my partner, which has been about the last 6 months.)  Believe me...there are many things hard about doing that.  Sometimes it's hard to practice non judgment of others in order to love them exactly as they are.  Other times, it's practicing being open, vulnerable and worthy of being seen when what I have to show is so hidden and scary to reveal.  And the more intimate I am with someone, the harder this is.  The hardest part of this practice is not believing the visceral responses (sometimes lasting for nanoseconds and other times for days) that I am not good enough for unconditional love.  Just when I want to run, hide, isolate, let my fears dictate what happens next...I let go of any conditions or attachments to how my journey should look and ask myself, "If I am perfect, whole and complete, and who I love is perfect, whole and complete, what would I choose right now?"  The more I practice this, the more compassion and patience I have and more personal risks I am willing to take.  Over time, I less often use "if" and practice "I am."  I am stronger than my fears....but, damn those fears are fucking fierce!  As I'm working with my partner to build our relationship, remembering these things helps me to stop and ask myself "What would it take, in this moment, to honor a commitment to a powerful, nurturing and fulfilling relationship and not be attached to any way of doing it?"  When I feel rejected, hurt, afraid...often the asking of this means I have to communicate where I am, reflect on how my old beliefs are responsible, engage with someone other than me (even when I want to hide the most) and truly consider ALL possibilities.  Then, when I choose freely to do whatever I choose to do in love, not because "I should"....I'm doing it as an authentic CHOICE that will honor the kind of relationship I'm committed to.  I feel this way of being in relationship honors the importance and difficulty of incorporating growth and freedom in our core.  Doing this in the last few months with such an incredibly supportive, powerful and insightful partner has been quite a roller coaster....but one that feels strong and purposeful, loving and nourishing.  This practice makes who I am in all of my relationships someone that is fully present and intentional about creating the most incredible relationship possible.  As much work as I do (and am responsible for) to create something amazing,  I have to acknowledge that I'm also a lucky, lucky woman having found such an amazing man to create that with.
*She says while asking "Where is the emoticon with the bashful smile to insert here?"* 






Head- In my professional and academic commitment I'm very clear (and have been for a while) that I want to engage the country in a powerful transformation of how we think about teachers. Radically altering how we honor the profession, I'm committed that this nation can create a culture where we value preparing and compensating teachers at the highest level, ultimately creating an educational system that is rooted in a belief in the infinite brilliance of children.  There are many pathways to achieving this. Two years ago I focused primarily on Harvard's Ed.L.D. program to get me there.  This process confronted (more than at any time in my life) any lack of belief in my intelligence that existed in any cell, anywhere in my being.  This year, as I begin the process of asking how I can honor my commitment, I'm clear that Harvard's program is one of the many pathways.  Of course, there are some other programs as well as organizations to connect with that can serve as a pathway.  And, I'm considering those as I work my plan for the year. However, if I'm fully believing in my brilliance, honoring my need for development in policy, economics and education and committed to national reform in policy and community at this level, that program is still a pretty great option.  So, I begin the process of application (again) from a belief that "I am brilliant enough..." (see March 2011 for my post application reflections).  My intention is to be accepted at the end of the application process AND not be attached to anything while I'm engaged in the process.   Try, try, again....right?

Body- Last year I took on believing that "I love my body...in this moment exactly how it is."  This showed up in many new choices over the year, including what I chose to consume and how I chose to treat my body. Amazing things happened and now I am ready to go to the next level, challenge myself more and get stronger--all the while, loving my body so much that I'm preparing it for the remainder of my life.  I started to practice the belief of "I'll be an athlete by the end of the year", but I quickly realized this was a conditional belief (when I get my body looking to a certain way or after I finish a particular exercise program, etc.) which is not a commitment, but an attachment and does not honor that "I am perfect, whole and complete...exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not."  Rather than create a conditional belief, I have chosen to practice that "I am an athlete" and in those moments, choose what I want to do.  Believing that about my body, with all the body image issues that have been brainwashed in me throughout my whole life, is as uncomfortable as anything I've ever done...it's the MOST intimate.  However, I have found that I'm eager to take on Bikram yoga again while having incredible compassion for the fact that I'm nowhere NEAR where I was when I practiced years ago.  I've signed up for a new athletic based community (CrossFit),  taken harder hikes, even running a little....all with patience, compassion and willingness to take risks. It feels easy to continue to eat healthy and I'm listening to my body and its needs as I choose to re-integrate alcohol into my life.  I've found that I'm much more selective and intentional about how I choose to treat my body and it doesn't feel difficult or like I'm struggling to make good choices.  I'd say of the 4 areas I focus on, this one feels most practiced from my work last year.  And still, I struggle against the brain template of how I "should" look and continue to REFUSE to make any choices from a "should", rather I make them from my commitment to honor, love and develop my body as an athlete would.

Spirit- My spiritual practice is grounded in my commitment to contribution.  My guiding question always is "How can I be my best self in order to be of service to others?" As I continue to engage this year's areas of growth, I'm clear they are grounded in this.  I have a lot to contribute and offer the world.  Clearly, the world has a lot to contribute and offer to me.  So, let's do this.

My commitment is that I can live a life where I am completely intentional about creating what I want and never letting my past or any default thinking get in the way of having it all.  To that end, my spiritual work IS practicing intentional beliefs created as ways to have total fulfillment and access to infinite growth.

2012-13 mantras for the year are:

"I am brilliant enough to accomplish anything."

"In love, I am perfect, whole and complete...exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not."

"This nation can create a culture where we value preparing and compensating teachers at the highest level, ultimately creating an educational system that is rooted in the belief in our childrens' brilliance."

"I am capable of being in powerful, nurturing and fulfilling relationships."

"I am an athlete."

"I am stronger than my fears."

"Being my best self is a contribution to the world."

You got a problem with my feelings? Tough shit.

First, the title is an inner dialogue.
Second, before I dig in, I just want to acknowledge that I'm creeping up on 11 months sober!!!!!  *In the spirit of full disclosure, I took 4 days off to enjoy NOLA Jazzfest cocktails in the hot tub.  But C'mon, son...who could blame me for taking a break from the break?*  Anyways...the clarity I've experienced this year has been an incredible journey.  I'm so grateful for this choice and to those of you who've encouraged me this year.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I'll toast to all of you on July 5th when the one year is up!  
Also, this blog is about to hit 2,500 hits ....I'd love your help to double that soon.  Please share if you think anything I'm sharing is of service to anyone else....I appreciate your love and support as I take this journey in its most raw and transparent form.  Love.
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I've realized lately just how deeply conflicted I am about being an "emotional" person.  I know I've written about anger and how I suppress that out of fear that I won't be able to control it.  But, I've rarely explored emotions that come from being hurt, vulnerable, or afraid.  I have been thinking a lot about how (as a woman who felt the need to be "tough" to be successful) I've chosen to take on traits that would serve this path and how taking on being tough has also not served me.  I also think it's interesting that I'm called into a profession that makes space for emotions (serving children and the educators who serve those children is HIGHLY emotional), and how good I am at avoiding them.  Hm.


A long time ago, early on in childhood, I internalized that if people really saw who I was inside that it was highly dangerous.  So, I started building walls to make sure no one could see what felt like my most vulnerable me.  Often, that meant hiding fears, sadness, important questions, and the array of emotional reactions I would have to my experiences.  Throughout my teen years, that turned into being super loud, funny and righteously confrontational....but still hiding my emotions. It's like I somehow learned that the traits of humor and being forthright with more masculine energy would get me further.  It did...it got me lots of friends, recognition, success and opportunities that I believed I wouldn't have had if I had really expressed my sensitive and emotional inner self.   In my relationships with men, it seemed to me that this message of danger when walls were down was HIGHLY reinforced by some experiences where my heart was shredded by their acts of dishonesty and cheating.  Later on, as a young adult in Atlanta and Oakland, I internalized that I had to be tough to protect myself and to advance my career/mission of education.  The only times I felt I could really let my walls down were when I was with kids....but, even that was in service of others, not in exploration of myself.  If I was engaged in political issues, school management, relationships in my community, social events, etc. I learned that what would serve me was energy that was:
*Passionate, but not vulnerable.
*Forceful, relentless, and never showing fears.
*Focused on hard work and good times, not making space for emotional turmoil.
*Focused on accomplishment, not the journey.


Developing these traits also got me plenty of relationships with men that were fun, adventurous, distant and (often) short lived. In many ways, this was amazing....I was able to get A LOT done in my career , have a great time, build a million stories of fun and adventure, build lots of community and keep my walls up, all the while not taking personal risks with my heart and spirit.  Clearly, this means I was living a huge part of my life in hiding...not being truly authentic with the world.  As I grow and work on being totally fulfilled, this means I have to be who I am and work to tear down the walls that hide me.  Let me tell you....walking the world as a completely authentic person is REALLY fucking hard work.  It means being honest about my emotions, digging into them to look for where they are acting as my walls (defense emotions) and where I'm suppressing them from habits of fear. It means finding a balance of who I really am outside of the normed traits I've taken on that are valued in the world (inherently white, male and hetero-normed) and how to balance being true to myself while successfully honoring my commitment to personal and global transformation. This doesn't mean that some of those traits are bad....I just have to inquire as to whether they are really ME or if I've normed them to satisfy my quest for success and fears of being exposed behind the walls.


In the past few years, as I've explored what it would look like to be completely fulfilled in my heart, spirit, body and mind, I've had to take on some really hard challenges.  In that vein, I've had to take on that if people could REALLY see me...walls down and fully exposed...that there's actually nothing to fear.  Clearly, this isn't easy....even as I write it now with all the growth I've made in this area, there's a voice in my head that says "getthefuckouttaherewiththatshit"...so clearly, I've got more work to do to un-brainwash myself from this belief.  But, I'm committed that this belief I created isn't real...that I can be love(d) and perfect, whole and complete as I allow my inner emotional self to emerge freely and fearlessly.   


The reason all this is on my brain is that this week was really, really tough for me, professionally and personally.  There's lots of transition happening in my career....all exciting and good, but hard and new.  There's lots of growth and deepening happening in a relationship I'm in...also, all exciting and good, but hard and new.  I feel raw, exhausted and incompetent as a "newly" authentic person.  I also feel blessed, excited and eager to get better at living with walls down.  It's hard to be excited about this, because my default feeling (when I'm raw and vulnerable and emotional) is that I'm a punk for spending so much time "feeling" and not getting the work done.  I feel weak and judgmental of myself.  I also know these are my walls fighting HARD to stay up and I have to just deal with it until it passes (and it always does.)  But, those of you who know me well, you know there is NOTHING about me that is even remotely cool with feeling like a punk.  It makes me want to fight, crush, destroy whatever feels like it's in my way to get past it.  Simply sitting with what comes up and engaging my loved ones in supporting me through it is the path I'm choosing. Every time I have a flare up of emotions and grapple with abandoning this path, this works to help me stay on it.  I become less afraid, experience tremendous growth and always feel stronger and stronger on the other end of it.  Being my fullest self exposed, believing that I'm whole and complete exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not, and being WITH my community as this person (not the facade of tough girl hiding this side of me) keeps building so much momentum for transformation that I'm constantly amazed and in wonder of the power of authenticity.  

This morning, my sister Cera Byer posted this.  
"i dont want you to love me the way a child loves a parent - full of fear of punishment, full of sneaking, & pressing the boundaries of how much you can get away with.
i dont want to love you the way a parent loves a child, responsible for holding the reigns of your behavior.
i want something different, something bigger, something that starts with both of us, as individuals, able to meet each other on a common ground of honesty & respect. a life where we act, every day, in alignment with who we want to be. 
love isn't about feelings. it's about the choices we make every day."


This makes me realize that I often dream of a world where we ALL realize we are at choice in every moment. A world where we create the life we want for ourselves and are victim to nothing. A world where we step fully into our responsibility for fulfillment and happiness....and where we can enter more powerfully into transforming that which does not work around us. Can you imagine a world when we have all achieved the balance of stepping into our power and being resigned to nothing?  It's dreams of this for myself and the world that fuel me every day.....consider this fuel for you, mmmmmk?


Before I go...a few things.  I want to thank the following people for being such an incredible source of support and love to me in so many ways as I've been on this roller coaster.  Sonya, Denise, hilary, Lynne, Alisha, Linsey, Micia, Leidene, Jill, Cera, Kristin, Randy, Caroline,Ellie, Geoff, Fish, Abdul Kenyatta, Chas, Baz, Patrick, Brian, Glenn, and Anthony. I love you all and am so grateful for your presence in my life....  

Lastly, I was reminded (thanks, Linsey) of don miguel ruiz's 4 Agreements as I struggled this week.  I share them here for their amazing foundational strength as we all choose to live in our power. Holler at me with your stories and/or what resonated for you in this blog.  I love hearing from you!  

the four agreements - don miguel ruiz's code for life

agreement 1

Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3

Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4

Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

**This blog brought to you with my Spotify Playlist "Jilly from Philly"

All awakening to love is spiritual awakening. ~bell hooks

Journey of the Heart:  The Path of Conscious Love "Dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love- which is to transform us." John Welwood
*Warning, I'm going to quote the shit out of bell hooks today.  Be ready.

For years I've been deeply committed to the possibility of transformation in the world~ of our systemic and societal perpetuation of domination and oppression.  Yet, over and over again I keep coming back to the most essential element of transformation~starting with self.  I remember the sweet Buddy Wakefield saying to me about 4 years ago, "If you're gonna take on coaching and supporting everyone else in transforming, you've got to do the work yourself and keep up with your own shit."  At the time I kind of blew him off, but I've realized how right he was and how much easier it is to be consumed in all of the "other" things that seemed to need my attention, thereby neglecting my own developmental needs for support.  Easier because

• So many things seem so much more important than me 
• It's so much more enjoyable to put the magnifying glass on all things 'broken' everywhere else 
• Focus on me means letting others see me, in all my imperfect glory, and with that comes TREMENDOUS fear

Somewhere along the way (I can pinpoint a few experiences from childhood through young adulthood that are the origins of my fears) my brain created the belief that "If I'm seen for the flawed being that I am, I'll be destroyed." This fear of being seen has manifested in a few positive attributes as well as ones that cause suffering.  On one hand, I'm incredibly independent and resourceful.  I get shit done, with or without help.  On the other hand, I don't get the benefit of others' love when I'm in need because I won't even show I'm in need of help or support, usually taking on too much in my life to keep busy and avoid being in community in my struggle.  I stay alone to navigate my suffering.  What's crazy about that is that I KNOW I'M NOT ALONE.  Many of us fear being seen and so we hide from each other~ in spite of our common struggles and fears as well as the CLEAR benefit of outside perspective and support that come from love.  

"In today's world we are taught to fear the truth, to believe it always hurts. ...Commitment to knowing love can protect us by keeping us wedded to a life of truth, willing to share ourselves openly and fully in both private and public life. " bell hooks

And so, the consequences of living with this fear like it's the truth has me living like a fraud (not being real) and denying my loved ones the opportunity to give love (incredibly selfish.)   Being open with my loved ones about my struggles, needs, fears, sadness, etc. is my authentic commitment to truth.  To practice doing that in spite of all my fears that airing them will lead to destruction and pain, helps me squash the belief that being seen= destruction PLUS allows love to work its magic. This work is simply practicing that being seen as my fullest self is joyful and will only bring me relief and fulfillment.  Nothing is destroyed by bringing light into the places in me that have not been illuminated.  In fact, being really seen (struggles and all) is an act of revolution.  It allows us to nurture, strengthen and love each other, building interdependent and interconnected community that counteracts the societal oppressions that tell us we're weak and that nothing will ever change.  

"Community cannot take root in a divided life.  Long before community assumes external shape and form, it must be present as a seed in the undivided self: only as we are in communion with ourselves can we find community in others." Parker Palmer 

In order to be in communion with myself, the other belief I must practice to face and conquer my fears is that "In love, I am perfect, whole and complete...exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not."  It allows me to imagine that my struggles are also perfection.  This belief helps me eliminate normal descriptors I use like "flawed" or "broken" and allows me to embrace my struggles with a little more compassion and courage.  Lately, I've been surrounded by numerous powerful women that are struggling with asking for help.  It's like a theme and I'm convinced it's another example of the universe providing EXACTLY what I need at EXACTLY the time I need it.  If I can see myself in others, I can begin to receive love with empathy, reflection and profound learning.  I'm incredibly grateful to these women for their courage, openness, and selfless gifts in giving and sharing. Seeing myself in others is immeasurably helpful. Knowing that we are taking on this challenge together, in sisterhood, fuels me to more deeply engage in shattering the ceilings that have boxed us in for too long.


"Fear is the primary force upholding structures of domination.  It promotes the desire for separation, the desire not to be known...When we choose to love we choose to move against fear--against alienation and separation.  The choice to love is a choice to connect- to find ourselves in each other." bell hooks

The last few years have required a tremendous amount of energy and intention to interrupt my historical pattern of hiding through giving.   I have to fight off the guilt I feel at prioritizing my own spiritual, mental and physical nourishment over my professional contribution to the world.  I have to be willing to be seen by those that love me, and receive the love that I so willingly give.  This has NOT been a simple task.  It's meant thousands of hours of conversations, writing, reading, meditating, courses, reflection, experimenting and experiencing the pain that comes with cracking open so many layers upon layers of walls that I've built to avoid letting anyone see me. Three years after reclaiming my life back and committing to a life of complete balance and fulfillment,  I'm beginning to realize the enormity of the job that is undoing YEARS of self-neglect.  And, the more I've listened to my heart, mind, body, spirit, the more I keep realizing how malnourished I was after NOT putting myself first or allowing myself to be vulnerable/ in need in my community/relationships.

"Spiritual life is first and foremost about commitment to a way of thinking and behaving that honors principles of inter-being and interconnectedness." bell hooks

At the same time, I'm really surprised that I've needed to take so much time (since quitting my daily grind in public schools) after 13 years of the grueling work of being a teacher/administrator deeply engaged in reform.  I just figured I needed a few months off to rest and then jump right back into my next project.  But, as I dig in I realize this is not a short path. It's a lifelong journey of discovery, tackling fears, building relationships, believing that stepping into my greatness comes with being authentically seen and many, many unknown lessons to come. What I thought would be a short "break" from my professional career to rest, reflect and rejuvenate has become a concurrent path that will forever be intertwined with my commitment to engaging the world in the possibility of unconditional love and infinite growth.  What's helpful to me is that I realize that my contribution to the world will be SO much more powerful if my spirit, mind and body are well cared for and nourished.
Taking on this journey by being seen in community/relationships as my authentic self (struggles AND strengths), asking for help, receiving as much love as I give to others and believing that
'In love, I am whole, perfect and complete...exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not'
is an incredible opportunity.  Just seeing that this path exists is a blessing....but believing that this path is my destined journey brings me indescribable gratitude.  I am so grateful that I've been able to see that this is possible, fruitful and necessary.  I will NOT turn my back on this opportunity. I will NOT turn my back on love.

"When the practice of love invites us to enter a place of potential bliss that is at the same time a place of critical awakening and pain, many of us turn our backs on love." bell hooks

As you can see, bell hooks has had a tremendous influence on me lately.  I've learned that the fears and pain that come with being open to love is the transformation I need, for myself and for what I want to contribute to the world.  I've learned that the awakening IS critical and not dangerous at all. In fact, every time I've embraced being open to receiving love, asked for what I needed, shared parts of myself that weren't all "perfect looking" and communicated authentically (with or without fears), I get EXACTLY what I need.  I get challenged, supported, nurtured, heard, and loved. Every time.  It might not be how I thought it would look, but it's consistently what I need. Every time.
I encourage all of you to try it today.....try being open to love, asking for what you need and accepting it.  There's an amazing adventure for you on the other side of that.

Love, love, love,
Maureen

The power of feminism and revolution...and the healing that comes with loving ourselves and each other.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH TO ME!!!  It's a whole new kind of March Madness....are you ready?!  I am!  :) As I focused on starting with self to get to global transformation, it turned into my longest blog ever. Also, I went link crazy today....there's tons of great links in here.   I hope you enjoy it half as much as I enjoyed writing it today.

Yesterday was one of those days that started with a fork in the road and an opportunity to choose how I would create this day for myself. On one hand, there was so much to get done, an impending scary doctor appointment and a crowded event that I had to rush to deal with the hassle of parking and waiting in a long line right after said doctor's appointment.  On the other hand, it was a BEAUTIFUL day in Oakland, I had the blessings and resources to take the time to go food shopping for healthy and nourishing food for the week, thoughtfully engage in reviewing resumes for an amazing person to fill the interim position I hold (launching me into the next phase of my career and spiritual path), access my health insurance and amazing doctors that enabled me to be proactive in dealing with a potentially scary health situation (don't stress ya'll, it'll be fine but I'm emphasizing the blessing of having access and support in a situation that left unchecked could have been a whole different scenario), and an opportunity to spend an afternoon with one of my favorite people on the planet to bear witness to the transformative and powerful inner thoughts and questions of two awe-inspiring women who have changed the world.  I've got to go with creating an amazing day, right?  Because I only have today.....why not have it be fantastic?

So, after choosing how my day was going to go, this is how it went down.  After having the honor to send out an invitation to a bunch of people who applied for the interim job I currently hold to submit some short essays, I really sat with what a blessing it is to be on the team to support in this transition and what it can really mean for me.  All I see are so many possibilities and opportunities....to keep engaging with with an amazingly progressive and revolutionary firm that is launching into its 20th and best year yet as well as to stretch and challenge myself to live in my dream and vision for the work it'll take to have the US engage in the work we need to do to revere and honor the profession of teaching. This was so energizing and peaceful all at once.  Then, in the spirit of loving myself I decided to take time to go food shopping and get all the nourishment I needed (this meant choosing to re-calendar some things and prioritize taking care of myself first) to treat my body like the sacred temple it is.  My grocery routine is pretty particular at this point (it used to be really random and fast, but now I'm much more thoughtful about how and where I shop for food) after spending the year practicing the belief that I love my body and I'm still so surprised and pleased at how much joy this ritual brings me.  It includes the downtown Oakland farmer's market, Whole Foods, Costco and Trader Joes...and it takes a few hours to get a few things from each place. But, I get home and have everything I could possibly need and want and my body feels better than it ever has in my entire life.  With the sun on my face and Adele's Make You Feel My Love on repeat so I could rehearse it loud and fearlessly, I started my day out in gorgeous Oakland.  An unexpected gift has been the healing that has come with a realization of what this song means when it's a love song to myself as I work on manifesting that I am worthy of receiving the kind of powerful love that I'm so easily able to give (try listening to it as a love song to yourself, you'll see!)   I couldn't stop smiling and dozens of people smiled and nodded at me as I walked around singing and shopping.  I felt so free and fearless...amazing.

After shopping, I was supposed to have tea with a woman who I had a great new connection with at a HAI workshop a few weeks ago, but I started to feel overwhelmed with some more work I had to do before my doctor's appointment.  The old me would have crammed it in and stayed feeling overwhelmed, but I decided to practice more self care and simply called her to explain that it would be better for me if we postponed.  Of course, she answered the phone with so much excitement to hang out, and for a moment I reconsidered out of obligation to her.  But I stopped and chose to share with her that as much as I wanted to see her, I really needed to handle some stuff before my appointment and asked if could we do tea next week.  Of course she was so sweet and understanding and it was testimony to the possibility of people loving me more if I love myself first.  There was a time that doing something like that made me feel selfish, but really NOT putting my needs first is the selfish act.  So we chatted for a little bit on the phone while I headed home and she shared an amazing gift with me as she helped me see that all of the extra (or seemingly new) love I'm receiving in the world (friends, family, new connections, etc.) is simply a mirror of all the work I'm doing.  And that when I receive compassion, nurturing, gifts, etc. that it's really because of what I'm putting out there and I can take that as an affirmation of my own transformation and growth.  It's always nice to take a moment and honor just how that this hard work is creating so much joy and love.  Chalk up another blessing.

After that, I cranked out a little work and headed to the doctor.  Just so you know what's going on, as a result of my Pap Smear, I had to get a Colposcopy and a Cervical Biopsy. This was not even close to enjoyable, but taking the time to do this necessary procedure IS loving myself (even though part of me wanted to crawl under a rock and hide from all of the doctors in the hopes that everything would just go away) and I'm really being grateful for my access to preventative care. The doctor isn't worried, and I'll post in a week if there's a problem, but we should all just assume everything is fine (statistically I'm a VERY low risk, so let's just hold on to that.) Most importantly, this was the first time I've had to do anything like this and in many ways it was the most vulnerable I've EVER felt in 37 years.  The physical core of womanhood, being so closely examined, scraped and tested was really emotionally intense.  I'm certain that it is NO coincidence that the universe provided me with an opportunity to receive strength and feminine love just hours after this procedure.

After the procedure, I had the most amazing honor (on an already incredibly powerful and transformative day) to see two phenomenal women speak on revolution.  Grace Lee Boggs and Angela Davis (two feminist activists that I admire) had a conversation at UC Berkeley that left me overflowing with possibility, excitement, and affirmation.  It also left me deeply humbled to have been witness to the voices of over 160 years of wisdom, activism and brilliant engagement in transformation of the world.  I had to breathe deeply multiple times to really allow myself to take in the power of these two women and visualize that each of us have the potential and courage within to radically transform our thinking, our actions and ultimately shape our lives and the world we exist in. Little was I prepared for how healing and affirming this would be for me exactly when I needed it most.

What did I learn?  Whew, so much.....

"Because I was born to Chinese Immigrant parents and because I was born female, I learned very quickly that the world needed changing. But, what I also learned, as I grew older, was that how we change the world and how we think about changing the world has to change.
The time has come for us to RE-IMAGINE everything.....work, labor, revolution, education, community, family, sexual identity, and changes in ourselves. We must move beyond protest." Grace Lee Boggs, 

This inspired me to remember that our history has NOTHING to do with our future.  We must always be open to our learning that inspires new possibilities.  We must never stop at only fighting what doesn't work (protesting), rather engage deeply in the creation and demand for (re)evolution.

With every crisis is danger and opportunity....with every victory comes a new set of challenges.

If this isn't the mantra to systemically and intrinsically internalize the "glass is half full" philosophy, I don't know what is.  This embraces how we need to engage in the unexpected, our failures, our victories that are cause for the unknown (i.e. Obama's election and all that we wish he might have done differently) and ultimately, this pushes each of us to always be responsible for the creation of our lives and the world we want to live in.  

We must combine philosophy with activism- we can't think anymore that all we have to do is act.  We have to do a lot of thinking, use a lot of imagination, and do visionary organizing.

We must always be learning, engaged in dialogue, practicing new ideas, reflecting on the impact of those ideas and actions....and NEVER EVER stop at the technical solution.  Our (re)evolution is about our adaptive transformation and how we engage in continual evolution of ourselves, each other and the systems that surround us.  All things are possible.  All theory is applicable.  All theory to action creates the unknown, and this is where the fun is...we get to exercise imagination, critical thinking, experimentation and be in community while doing it!  It's such an honor and incredible opportunity...don't you agree?

We have the opportunity to create a new humanity, new society, a whole new paradigm in education.  Young people need to be enlisted in the solution of the problems in our community.
The time is now.  There is no other time.  There is no better time to forge ahead than this moment.  Step into your imagination, release yourself of all constraints that the past has (erroneously) put on you and envision a new world, a new life.  But, most importantly, engage the youth.  They are not jaded as we can be and given the space, support and love, they will teach us more than we dreamed possible and catapult us all into the (re)evolution we choose to create.


We must grow our souls and we must do this IN community by building community- the soul is the capacity to create the world anew.  In Neo-Liberalism, we've developed as individuals as if we've forgotten that we are always members of communities. Capitalism is grounded in the possessive individual, but true revolutionaries realize we are connected to each other and every being on the planet.We need human relationships to continue to evolve (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, We must make the transition from a theme oriented to a person oriented society)-- all of us taking responsibility for our security, restore the neighbor in the hood. How can we develop compassionate relations with not only humans, but all of the other creatures in which we share the planet?  What does it look like to look beyond the "exchange value" of the product we acquire?  What if we were committed to developing the critical habit to imagine all of the relationships impacted by our choices is a revolutionary movement in itself?

The work of a true revolutionary is always caring, thinking, stretching and nourishing ourselves....but never alone.  The (re)evolution starts with the self and clearing out all of the baggage our history has weighed us down with.  Nothing in our past exists in tomorrow except what we choose to hold on to. Our soul is capable of constant growth, and yet we've been brainwashed to believe that stagnation (achieving some level and staying there or moving incrementally) is an accomplishment.  Community, connection and interaction creates energy and movement- the opposite of stagnation- so have the courage and passion to engage community in all of your growth.  Doing so offers perspectives, affirmations, support and learning for yourself.  But, in the spirit of community, we must remember that the offering of our presence and commitment to community is a gift received by more than we can imagine.  The only successful revolutions have started with the growth of one's soul, transcending dialogue and moving into shared experiences of love, learning and leadership where energy builds momentum and creates powerful transformation FIRST in self, then in relationship and finally impact in the world.  Whatever fears one might have about engaging our most vulnerable in relationship is only our past trying to keep us stagnant.  Shed it.  You won't be sorry and the world will get to see the gift of your fullest self.

Those are the cliff notes, ya'll.....I'm so inspired and excited to be alive today.  And RE-INSPIRED to go deeper into my work, my heart and my growth. *If you'd like to watch the conversation, here you go!

I love you so much for your contribution in the world...and I hope that the inspiration keeps on flowing.  Thanks for reading, thanks for sharing so much of yourselves with me and thank you most of all for all of your love.   I'm learning how important it is to take as much as I give.  Keep it coming.

Confession: For several years, I've been unable to finish All About Love by bell hooks. Mostly because it's so difficult for me to receive love and imagine a life where balance and reciprocity guide the flow of a loving relationship.  Today I'm not afraid to dig into it.  I'm committing to finishing this book by my birthday and sharing a blog about how it impacted me as I go into my 38th year.  Hold me accountable to continuing the spiritual journey of embracing love fully.  Thanks!

Love,
Maureen

*Written while listening to Bootie Loves Whitney, in tribute to another amazingly powerful woman.  RIP Whitney.

The Currency of Sexuality and my demons.....

Let me start by sharing one of my core beliefs:  If I'm able to see struggle in others, in order to be my most compassionate and non judgmental self, I must first look to see how that struggle exists within me.  There is no IF that struggle exists in me, because if I can see it outside of me, I know that I recognize it from within.

I work with a brilliant and lovely young woman who is transitioning out of the foster care system. My role as a Court Appointed Special Advocate is to listen to her and fight for her needs/wants in the legal system that isn't inherently designed to do that for her.  When I met her last summer, she was in jail after being arrested two years earlier for prostitution (mind you, her pimp wasn't arrested, just her at 16...but that's another blog.) She wasn't in jail because she had been working the streets. She was in jail because while she was on probation for this "first offense" she kept running from group homes that didn't meet her needs and trying to make a life for herself that worked in the way she knew.  This was a violation of her probation and she was forced to do time for it.

After her release (we petitioned the judge to see the absurdity of her being in jail for 6 months for being AWOL from a group home), I began working with her to consider college, completion of her GED, getting a job, getting her own apartment, etc.  While she was INCREDIBLY excited about all of these possibilities, all she ever kept asking for was her freedom....from the stranger running her group home, from the rules that stopped her from seeing her family and friends in her old neighborhood and to be able to have a cell phone to engage with people in her community. However, she kept breaking the rules and pushing the limits because she wanted all of her freedoms immediately.  Who can blame her?  Despite trying to help her have a plan that incrementally gave her freedoms based on her growth, her lack of impulse control and simple desire to be free meant that she ultimately ran again (within days of her release from probation) and has been on the streets of East Oakland for the last 5 months.  Many people hear this and think how sad it is, but quickly blame her for not being willing to follow rules.

There is no part of me that can blame her in any way for making this choice.... she gets to choose how she lives her life at any given moment and will do the best she can given her experiences in the world.  Plus, no blame assigned to her can surpass the pain she's experiencing living with this choice.  What I see her struggling with is how to use her own value to buy pieces of the life she wants for herself now, creating freedom as she sees it.  If she sees no value in the foster/educational/judicial system OR in incremental growth towards a bigger plan OR in the people who have historically taken her from her mom and locked her up and kept her in the system, I can see that she believes she is making the best choice for herself that she believes possible. Despite the fact that she has been beaten up, suffered physical and emotional trauma and still is forced to live by another set of rules, she sees that who she is in this (albeit traumatic and differently dysfunctional) system as valuable.  Sex is her currency.  It gets her status, gives her a value in a system (of which she's not experienced in any other way) and gives her SOME control in a life that feels beyond all control. When I see that, I can feel compassion.  Aside from heartache I feel when I realize she sees this as the most valuable asset she can offer right now, and that she DESPERATELY wants out of it but doesn't know how, I feel a sisterhood with her.

If I start with myself, before I move to judge her, I have to be honest and share that I also struggle with my sexuality as a currency.  If someone doesn't find me sexy, I immediately struggle with self worth.  If someone DOES find me attractive and wants to sleep with me, it spawns a whole set of challenges for me.  Why do they want me?  Will they want me if I put MY needs first and engage my partner in that? *Note, even asking this question is NOT putting my needs first!  This journey of sobriety (*btw, it's been 7 months!!) has been many things, but a big conflict has been the challenge of being unapologetic about what I want in the world of relationship/intimacy and how that impacts my experience of being in relationship.

Where I've grown is in being excited about putting out there what I want.  I've more deeply engaged about not wanting children, looking for a partnership that is more Frieda Kahlo and Diego Rivera style, seeking someone who is open to the idea of open relationships, etc.  This has certainly changed who I date, BUT with being excited and having unapologetic pride in realizing this is what I want, there has been no shortage of people who respond to this.  Practicing the belief that there is ALWAYS value to who I am and what I need has helped to actualize experiences where I am received as valuable.
Where I struggle, like the young woman I work with, is undoing all of the brainwashing that has me, as a woman, defaulting to sex as the value I bring to the relationship.  While I intellectually get that I'm many things valuable (smart, accomplished, fun, interesting, unique, etc.), when I'm my most vulnerable self, I catch myself defaulting to sex as the currency I can negotiate with and I move to that rather than allow my partners to fall in love with the many other aspects I bring to the table.  Part of my sobriety has forced me to stay clear and intent on interrupting that. At 37, with many years of study, experience and brilliant community, THIS IS STILL NO EASY TASK.

The past couple of months I've been in conversation with someone I'm really interested in getting to know.  He's smart, insightful, travelled, accomplished and ridiculously fun and adventurous.  He's also sexy as hell.  We've hung out, but spent more time on the phone than anything else....and this has made focusing on my other "valuables" much, much easier.  This week we went out and I was immediately confronted with my default of avoiding intimacy with humor (because I can't avoid it with alcohol) and focusing on the physical attraction between us. It's torture and hard work.  He asked me at some point why I was blushing and I chose to take a leap of faith (again, practicing that even in my struggles there is beauty and value) and shared that it's really hard for me to stay in the space of intimacy and not go to sex.  It felt really good at the time to be so self expressed and free.

And then my default voices kicked in hard.  I had to really fight to resist the urge to cave into sex to avoid intimacy and seek value in a newly emerging relationship.  I want him to want all of me, not just chase the cute red bra under the little dress.  The reason this is so difficult for me is that I'm trying to BALANCE being unapologetic about my sexuality and wanting to be wanted as a whole...struggles and values together.  And, balance is a journey not easily found by setting boundaries alone. What comes up engaging in balance is where the learning exists.

So, one victory down, we wrapped up the night and I didn't cave in to my default.  We had a fun night, he was sweet, I was truthful about my internal conflict and I appreciated him honoring my needs.  Here is where I found my empathy with the young woman I talked about at the beginning of this blog.  The voices in my head immediately started telling me I blew it and I'd never see him again.  While this might seem ridiculous to some of you, I really want to convey how POWERFUL and FUCKING LOUD these voices are...reinforcing some brainwashing that my main (if not ONLY) value is from sex and that if I want to be loved, wanted, needed it has to start from there. It's like I've been trained to believe that sex is some hook and I can reel someone in with it that and maybe, with time, my partner might discover all the other amazing things about me. In trying to make the space for my partner to see the whole me, I felt like I had to create boundaries to limit or avoid the initial sexual element of that relationship.   I find myself so saddened by this.  Not because it's some insurmountable challenge I can't overcome (because I will), but I wonder how many millions of women throughout generations have bought into this absurdity and lived their lives believing the currency of sex is our main value and struggled with how to be seen as a whole being.  How many times have we either overindulged in sex because it's what's valued or avoided being fully self expressed as sexual beings because of our fear of not being seen as a whole human?  How has this impacted millions of men who only see the "sexy" we've been trained to show or see a "smaller" us as we hide our sexual being in the hopes we are valued for our other assets?

I realized after 36 hours of voices telling me I blew it and managing the fears that I'll never hear from him again, one big thing was missing for me.  While I set some boundaries to ensure I didn't go to my default, and that worked on some level, they were a technical solution to an adaptive struggle (I need to challenge my thinking to change my actions) in my own beliefs. Setting the boundaries didn't change the fact that I wanted to focus on sex, it just stopped me from acting on it.  What was missing was that there was no partnership in this balance of being unapologetic about my true sexuality, staying in the space of intimacy and being valued as a whole.  I didn't invite him into that, I just asked him to honor some boundaries I created.  Here's the lesson:  In finding partnership, even in new relationships that seem too early to be vulnerable, I can invite someone into the complex balancing act of being loved and wanted for all of me, including my already existing strengths and the places I'm growing.  When I don't do that, instead of working the pendulum that is the instrument of balance, I send mixed messages, and that's unfair.  I won't get this balance right this week, nor will I get it right any time soon.  What I can get right is being excited about this place I'm working towards, being as excited and unapologetic about it as I've become about many other things, and to invite a partner to support me in finding that balance.  I'm certain, as with all things, I cannot do anything alone.  Every time I find myself in unresolved struggle, that's usually where I am.

So, here's to the young woman's quest for freedom and doing that in partnership (with me and others) to help her defeat the default that's got her making the choices she's making now.  Here's to courage in asking (from this new man I've met and others in the future) for partnership in my journey to balance loving the whole me while un-brainwashing myself of misogynistic beliefs that have me believing sex as a currency is valued more than the discovery of my greatest self in the most intimate of moments.  Here's to unapologetically loving myself in the quest for balance, learning, truth and living the belief that I'm perfect, exactly the way I am and exactly the way I'm not. Finally, here's to having compassion for myself when I see the ways in which I'm not (usually seen in critiquing others' struggles), the strength to stretch and grow and inviting loved ones around me to embrace all of me wherever I am on this journey.

Wrapping up 2011 and entering 2012

Wow....what a year.  I am so grateful to my community and to the lessons I've learned that have got me here.  I feel more in love with my life and the possibilities ahead than I've ever thought possible.
My heart is soaring.....I'm open to dating in a way I've never been before, connected to amazing friends and family who hold me, challenge me and support me in ways I've never let anyone do before and I'm daily connecting with people without fear or hesitation.  It's not easy, but I see progress in myself and I see us all as one like I never have.
My mind is sore.....like I've been stretching it and using it more to develop how I can continuously transform myself and the world.  I need to read more for sure, but I'm in action all the time and not too much.  I actually feel not just like every day, week, month is balanced with all the areas in my life I love...but that I'm FULFILLED in all the areas of my life that I'm seeking balance in.  Previously, I was trying to make sure I had balance of art, love, family, friends, passion, profession and health.  And I did that in 2010, but in 2011 I really started to make sure I was doing more than spending time on those things, but that I was feeling FULFILLED in all of these areas.  And, in my journey in each of them, I am. I really, really am for the first time in my life.  It's amazing.

My body....feels unreal.  I've deeply transformed and internalized that I love myself.  Unconditionally and infinitely.  And in doing a lot of thinking and practicing what my life would look like if I lived that, I've dramatically changed how I eat (no processed foods, lots of veggies and whole grains, very little meat and only meat from sustainable farms , carbs in the am and no food after 7-- but of course, everything in moderation, including moderation--I STILL LOVE FOOD and eat and taste and experiment!) and how I look at loving my body.  I stopped worrying about weighing a certain amount and started living like I love myself.  And, I chose to love however I look on the other end of that.  I've lost about 25lbs just living like I love my body.  No starving, no struggling...just eating what my body needs, cooking up a storm, walking the pups 3-5 days a week and relaxing.  I've got fewer body image issues now than I can ever remember having (even weighing 40lbs less than I do now) and I love how I look and feel.
I've also been sober for 6 months....and my mind is SO clear and helping me to really hear what I need, what I'm afraid of and how I can get in the way of myself.  Don't get it twisted....I'm really excited for a glass of wine on July 5th, but for now this is beautiful.

Finally, my spirit......I believe my spirit is all about my contribution to the world.  And, if I don't take care of myself and seek total fulfillment within, I can't do much for what's outside of me. I feel MORE in action to contribute to the world in all kinds of ways and better able to engage than I have...EVER!!
Not only is my work strong, my volunteerism joyful and impactful...but I've finally built a website for Education Is A Vital Sign and am attending funding meetings to launch this puppy and make a living transforming how the US values the profession of teaching!  Check it out (super basic, but it's a start and I did it on my own!) at www.educationisavitalsign.org.
I also applied for my first fellowship at Echoing Green and plan to do more!

So, yeah....2012, you're not ready.  I was just warming up!  Here's to an amazing year of total fulfillment, balance and transformation.  Anything's possible if you believe it to be true.
I love you!
Maureen