For the past two years I've been engaged in an interesting process of (what I think is) retraining the neurological pathways in my brain to LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the shit out of myself. I realize that may sound all nerdy and science-based or like I'm using electro-shock therapy of something, but all I'm really doing is meditating every day with a simple mantra~ "I love myself exactly the way I am. I am worthy of everything I want." And, I only do it for a minute or so...but the science seems to show that if you do this for somewhere between 30-54 days straight (NO INTERRUPTIONS or you have to start all over again), you actually can re-channel the pathways in your brain to internalize new beliefs, thus practicing completely aligned actions without much effort.
As a woman in a society that teaches me to hate my body and to prioritize the needs of men over my own, this practice has been incredibly confronting and liberating in a lot of ways. For starters, there have been TREMENDOUS changes in my health and well being of my body. I began this in January of 2011. I had been living my normal routine for 7 years or so at a weight about 20lbs more than I am now.....and I had gained another 20 on top of that after really struggling with taking on the issues that came up for me as I decided I wanted to be in a local relationship for the first time since I'd moved to California in 1999 (for those of you who don't know me, I had ONLY been engaged in relationships with men who didn't live here and was unwilling to be committed to anyone local due to tremendous fears of intimacy.) I was drinking to cope with loneliness and avoid feeling awkward in social settings, I was eating unhealthy food and eating it very late at night, I didn't exercise, I bought clothes that hid my body and I NEVER engaged ANYONE that tried to flirt with me (in fact, I was completely convinced no one in the Bay was interested in me at all.) When I looked deeply at that, what I saw at the root of those behaviors was a belief that I wasn't worth receiving love....even from myself. So, without beating myself up for the actions that led me to isolation and a body that wasn't in a very healthy state, I chose to practice a mantra that was the opposite of the beliefs that weren't serving me. This is how the concept of a daily mantra was born. I began just saying to myself, "I love my body today....not in 30 pounds from now." Suddenly, so many things changed.....over the next few weeks, I altered (dramatically) what I wanted to put in my body....lots of vegetables, very little meat and starch, no sugar. *To be clear, this was NOT a diet or prescribed routine....this is NATURALLY what I wanted to put in my body when I was practicing loving it exactly the way it is. I only drank water after 7pm...no food. I decided to stop drinking for a year just to be present to the journey my brain was going through and was blown away by what I learned about many more beliefs that were getting in the way of my happiness. I found TONS of voices screaming out from the self-hating beliefs that had formed in my brain over the years. It was scary at times to confront the terrible beliefs I had about myself (that I was ugly, not worth loving, too much for any one to love, etc.) but what I believe about beliefs is that they are always a choice. And, I am committed to choosing and internalizing beliefs that empower me and help me get to having EVERYTHING I want in the world.
After 2 years, my entire physical body has changed....and people keep asking me what I did. I tell them my goal was never to lose weight (I've lost 43 pounds), but to love my body exactly as it is. And, now I easily eat the healthiest (and believe that I eat all the time... no starving for this girl...and I feel NO shame when I tell people I'm hungry!) and engage in more physical activity (hiking, Bikram Yoga and Crossfit) than I have in 13 years. These were just powerful breakthroughs in my health as a result of practicing an empowering belief of unconditional love of self.
What I also knew I needed to tackle was the belief that I wasn't worthy and how that was playing out in my intimate (or lack of) relationships. So as I began actively dating about a year and a half ago, I found that I had to add to my mantra (otherwise I was ONLY attracting men that weren't interested in anything serious). So, the mantra became "I love myself exactly as I am. I am worthy of receiving love." This was interesting to practice as I went on dates and engaged in the online dating game. I found I was willing to be active and try to meet people here (not at ALL what I had been even willing to do and had hid behind a career to avoid it.) I also found that HELLA people were flirting and trying to get my attention. It was like suddenly the Bay Area was raining men...the truth is, they had been there the whole time but I was SO convinced that I wasn't worthy that I didn't even see it. It was one of the most bizarre realizations I'd ever had. My beliefs about my worth caused a HUGE shift in how I was seen in and how I was seeing the world.
Within a few months I had met a man who I dated for about a year. It was so interesting because immediately I saw so much of myself in him and felt so much compassion for our struggles of wanting an abundance of happiness but having beliefs that got in our way. There were many things about the relationship that were sweet.....we were vulnerable with each other, stepped up when we were confronted by things and committed to communication that could help us sort through struggles. I ultimately fell in love with him.....how could I not? He is so brilliant, courageous, full of ambition and really sweet and fun. In fact, he is one of the most amazing human beings I've had the honor to know, let alone love. But, from the beginning, I was not getting an equal balance of attention or receiving very much romance and it was clear (to me) that he had some beliefs about what he would lose in his life if he were to give to me. I also had to confront my beliefs about whether I was worthy of receiving adoration (physical and emotional) and if I deserved to be loved as much as I love. For a long time there was an imbalance.....most of the relationship centered around his needs and when we tried to tackle mine it often failed. I am AS responsible for that as he is. As I practiced my mantra, I found I was willing to speak on these issues (rather than avoid confrontation and just suffer in silence) but was amazed at how much SCARIER it was to practice this belief in intimacy. It was hundreds of times more confronting than practicing new beliefs by myself or with family or friends. And, due to how scary it was (and how hard it's been to internalize that I'm worthy of being treated with the same love I give), I let it go on for a very long time before I finally took the scariest stand I've ever taken in a relationship. I asked that he consider engaging in some support outside of us to tackle his own happiness and be able to be engaged in our relationship powerfully so that we could interrupt the cycle of imbalance we were in. I asked him this out of love for him, but also out of love for myself. I realized that I need to be with a partner who is healthy and willing to do the work for himself as well as for the incredible relationship we are capable of creating.
When I tell you that asking for this and dealing with the repercussions of this request was one of the HARDEST things I've ever done.....I mean it. I was shaken to my core by all kinds of voices and fears that I hadn't heard in 20 years. All the voices told me things like "You ruined your one chance at love!", "What makes you think you can have more?", and my favorite "You should have kept your mouth shut and just hoped things got better." For almost two months I've grappled with depression, uncontrollable sadness (like bursting out crying at all kinds of times), nauseating fears, anxiety and regret. But, the truth is all of those feelings are my old default of not being worthy fighting HARD to keep me believing that I am not. Except, the truth is....
I AM worthy of a partner who believes in showering me with love AND loving himself in balance.
I AM worthy of being heard and having my perspective honored.
I AM worthy of someone to commit to me and to working through any intimacy struggles that come up....and sometimes that means finding someone outside of us to help.
But mostly I AM worthy of being with someone who believes I'm worthy of unconditional love and treats me like a queen much like I will treat my love like a king.
Writing these and saying them out loud sound CRAZY....which tells me I haven't yet internalized these beliefs. So, I've got work to do....but I took the first steps and at least fumbled through being a stand to make sure I have a partner in an incredibly loving relationship that honors both of us powerfully.
Ultimately, he decided that he doesn't think he can give me what I want and that he doesn't have it in him at this time in his life to do the work we would need to do to interrupt our cycles. I understand why he feels that way and respect his choice. In fact, it actually brings me peace and let's me really know that I love HIM unconditionally, because he chose and I love him no matter what he chooses. And, I struggle when I hear him say that because I believe we choose our beliefs. So when he says that to me I have to fight the urge to support him in believing he can have it all and let him be on his journey on his own timeline. No one but ME got me to practice believing that "I love myself today and am worthy of receiving the love I give" and he gets to choose what beliefs he wants to live for his life. Last week he chose.
And, my heart is broken....like shattered. And, I'm healing. And, I'm being honest with my community about my heartache so that they can take care of me. This blog is me practicing that I'm worthy of receiving love......and not being attached that it has to be from him. And, just writing THAT breaks my heart....because I love him. And, I know he loves me. And, I see what's possible for both of us.....but, we don't see it the same way and that formula doesn't work. So, I have to let go of the man I love. And, if I'm really being honest, I have to ask myself why did I fall so hard in love with someone who doesn't believe they can give me what I need? The answer is tough to swallow, because despite having breakthroughs in my journey to internalize my self worth (speaking my truth and my efforts to interrupt the cycles), if I really, really believed I was worthy of infinite love, I wouldn't have been so attracted to a quality in someone else that had me not receive it. My beliefs about what I'm worthy of let me focus on him and not me. And, that is my responsibility. He didn't wrong me. He was AMAZING and tackled a shit ton of growth and I'm so amazed by what we both learned and accomplished this past year. I'm the kind of person who loves hard...and I'm so glad he is who I chose.
I know that in all of this are exactly the gifts I need. I know that to grow I have to endure pain. I know that as I'm moving forward ALL of this will help me receive infinite love in the future.
I am worthy of infinite love.
And so are all of you.
Thanks for hearing me.....love.
~M
