All awakening to love is spiritual awakening. ~bell hooks

Journey of the Heart:  The Path of Conscious Love "Dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love- which is to transform us." John Welwood
*Warning, I'm going to quote the shit out of bell hooks today.  Be ready.

For years I've been deeply committed to the possibility of transformation in the world~ of our systemic and societal perpetuation of domination and oppression.  Yet, over and over again I keep coming back to the most essential element of transformation~starting with self.  I remember the sweet Buddy Wakefield saying to me about 4 years ago, "If you're gonna take on coaching and supporting everyone else in transforming, you've got to do the work yourself and keep up with your own shit."  At the time I kind of blew him off, but I've realized how right he was and how much easier it is to be consumed in all of the "other" things that seemed to need my attention, thereby neglecting my own developmental needs for support.  Easier because

• So many things seem so much more important than me 
• It's so much more enjoyable to put the magnifying glass on all things 'broken' everywhere else 
• Focus on me means letting others see me, in all my imperfect glory, and with that comes TREMENDOUS fear

Somewhere along the way (I can pinpoint a few experiences from childhood through young adulthood that are the origins of my fears) my brain created the belief that "If I'm seen for the flawed being that I am, I'll be destroyed." This fear of being seen has manifested in a few positive attributes as well as ones that cause suffering.  On one hand, I'm incredibly independent and resourceful.  I get shit done, with or without help.  On the other hand, I don't get the benefit of others' love when I'm in need because I won't even show I'm in need of help or support, usually taking on too much in my life to keep busy and avoid being in community in my struggle.  I stay alone to navigate my suffering.  What's crazy about that is that I KNOW I'M NOT ALONE.  Many of us fear being seen and so we hide from each other~ in spite of our common struggles and fears as well as the CLEAR benefit of outside perspective and support that come from love.  

"In today's world we are taught to fear the truth, to believe it always hurts. ...Commitment to knowing love can protect us by keeping us wedded to a life of truth, willing to share ourselves openly and fully in both private and public life. " bell hooks

And so, the consequences of living with this fear like it's the truth has me living like a fraud (not being real) and denying my loved ones the opportunity to give love (incredibly selfish.)   Being open with my loved ones about my struggles, needs, fears, sadness, etc. is my authentic commitment to truth.  To practice doing that in spite of all my fears that airing them will lead to destruction and pain, helps me squash the belief that being seen= destruction PLUS allows love to work its magic. This work is simply practicing that being seen as my fullest self is joyful and will only bring me relief and fulfillment.  Nothing is destroyed by bringing light into the places in me that have not been illuminated.  In fact, being really seen (struggles and all) is an act of revolution.  It allows us to nurture, strengthen and love each other, building interdependent and interconnected community that counteracts the societal oppressions that tell us we're weak and that nothing will ever change.  

"Community cannot take root in a divided life.  Long before community assumes external shape and form, it must be present as a seed in the undivided self: only as we are in communion with ourselves can we find community in others." Parker Palmer 

In order to be in communion with myself, the other belief I must practice to face and conquer my fears is that "In love, I am perfect, whole and complete...exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not."  It allows me to imagine that my struggles are also perfection.  This belief helps me eliminate normal descriptors I use like "flawed" or "broken" and allows me to embrace my struggles with a little more compassion and courage.  Lately, I've been surrounded by numerous powerful women that are struggling with asking for help.  It's like a theme and I'm convinced it's another example of the universe providing EXACTLY what I need at EXACTLY the time I need it.  If I can see myself in others, I can begin to receive love with empathy, reflection and profound learning.  I'm incredibly grateful to these women for their courage, openness, and selfless gifts in giving and sharing. Seeing myself in others is immeasurably helpful. Knowing that we are taking on this challenge together, in sisterhood, fuels me to more deeply engage in shattering the ceilings that have boxed us in for too long.


"Fear is the primary force upholding structures of domination.  It promotes the desire for separation, the desire not to be known...When we choose to love we choose to move against fear--against alienation and separation.  The choice to love is a choice to connect- to find ourselves in each other." bell hooks

The last few years have required a tremendous amount of energy and intention to interrupt my historical pattern of hiding through giving.   I have to fight off the guilt I feel at prioritizing my own spiritual, mental and physical nourishment over my professional contribution to the world.  I have to be willing to be seen by those that love me, and receive the love that I so willingly give.  This has NOT been a simple task.  It's meant thousands of hours of conversations, writing, reading, meditating, courses, reflection, experimenting and experiencing the pain that comes with cracking open so many layers upon layers of walls that I've built to avoid letting anyone see me. Three years after reclaiming my life back and committing to a life of complete balance and fulfillment,  I'm beginning to realize the enormity of the job that is undoing YEARS of self-neglect.  And, the more I've listened to my heart, mind, body, spirit, the more I keep realizing how malnourished I was after NOT putting myself first or allowing myself to be vulnerable/ in need in my community/relationships.

"Spiritual life is first and foremost about commitment to a way of thinking and behaving that honors principles of inter-being and interconnectedness." bell hooks

At the same time, I'm really surprised that I've needed to take so much time (since quitting my daily grind in public schools) after 13 years of the grueling work of being a teacher/administrator deeply engaged in reform.  I just figured I needed a few months off to rest and then jump right back into my next project.  But, as I dig in I realize this is not a short path. It's a lifelong journey of discovery, tackling fears, building relationships, believing that stepping into my greatness comes with being authentically seen and many, many unknown lessons to come. What I thought would be a short "break" from my professional career to rest, reflect and rejuvenate has become a concurrent path that will forever be intertwined with my commitment to engaging the world in the possibility of unconditional love and infinite growth.  What's helpful to me is that I realize that my contribution to the world will be SO much more powerful if my spirit, mind and body are well cared for and nourished.
Taking on this journey by being seen in community/relationships as my authentic self (struggles AND strengths), asking for help, receiving as much love as I give to others and believing that
'In love, I am whole, perfect and complete...exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not'
is an incredible opportunity.  Just seeing that this path exists is a blessing....but believing that this path is my destined journey brings me indescribable gratitude.  I am so grateful that I've been able to see that this is possible, fruitful and necessary.  I will NOT turn my back on this opportunity. I will NOT turn my back on love.

"When the practice of love invites us to enter a place of potential bliss that is at the same time a place of critical awakening and pain, many of us turn our backs on love." bell hooks

As you can see, bell hooks has had a tremendous influence on me lately.  I've learned that the fears and pain that come with being open to love is the transformation I need, for myself and for what I want to contribute to the world.  I've learned that the awakening IS critical and not dangerous at all. In fact, every time I've embraced being open to receiving love, asked for what I needed, shared parts of myself that weren't all "perfect looking" and communicated authentically (with or without fears), I get EXACTLY what I need.  I get challenged, supported, nurtured, heard, and loved. Every time.  It might not be how I thought it would look, but it's consistently what I need. Every time.
I encourage all of you to try it today.....try being open to love, asking for what you need and accepting it.  There's an amazing adventure for you on the other side of that.

Love, love, love,
Maureen

The power of feminism and revolution...and the healing that comes with loving ourselves and each other.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH TO ME!!!  It's a whole new kind of March Madness....are you ready?!  I am!  :) As I focused on starting with self to get to global transformation, it turned into my longest blog ever. Also, I went link crazy today....there's tons of great links in here.   I hope you enjoy it half as much as I enjoyed writing it today.

Yesterday was one of those days that started with a fork in the road and an opportunity to choose how I would create this day for myself. On one hand, there was so much to get done, an impending scary doctor appointment and a crowded event that I had to rush to deal with the hassle of parking and waiting in a long line right after said doctor's appointment.  On the other hand, it was a BEAUTIFUL day in Oakland, I had the blessings and resources to take the time to go food shopping for healthy and nourishing food for the week, thoughtfully engage in reviewing resumes for an amazing person to fill the interim position I hold (launching me into the next phase of my career and spiritual path), access my health insurance and amazing doctors that enabled me to be proactive in dealing with a potentially scary health situation (don't stress ya'll, it'll be fine but I'm emphasizing the blessing of having access and support in a situation that left unchecked could have been a whole different scenario), and an opportunity to spend an afternoon with one of my favorite people on the planet to bear witness to the transformative and powerful inner thoughts and questions of two awe-inspiring women who have changed the world.  I've got to go with creating an amazing day, right?  Because I only have today.....why not have it be fantastic?

So, after choosing how my day was going to go, this is how it went down.  After having the honor to send out an invitation to a bunch of people who applied for the interim job I currently hold to submit some short essays, I really sat with what a blessing it is to be on the team to support in this transition and what it can really mean for me.  All I see are so many possibilities and opportunities....to keep engaging with with an amazingly progressive and revolutionary firm that is launching into its 20th and best year yet as well as to stretch and challenge myself to live in my dream and vision for the work it'll take to have the US engage in the work we need to do to revere and honor the profession of teaching. This was so energizing and peaceful all at once.  Then, in the spirit of loving myself I decided to take time to go food shopping and get all the nourishment I needed (this meant choosing to re-calendar some things and prioritize taking care of myself first) to treat my body like the sacred temple it is.  My grocery routine is pretty particular at this point (it used to be really random and fast, but now I'm much more thoughtful about how and where I shop for food) after spending the year practicing the belief that I love my body and I'm still so surprised and pleased at how much joy this ritual brings me.  It includes the downtown Oakland farmer's market, Whole Foods, Costco and Trader Joes...and it takes a few hours to get a few things from each place. But, I get home and have everything I could possibly need and want and my body feels better than it ever has in my entire life.  With the sun on my face and Adele's Make You Feel My Love on repeat so I could rehearse it loud and fearlessly, I started my day out in gorgeous Oakland.  An unexpected gift has been the healing that has come with a realization of what this song means when it's a love song to myself as I work on manifesting that I am worthy of receiving the kind of powerful love that I'm so easily able to give (try listening to it as a love song to yourself, you'll see!)   I couldn't stop smiling and dozens of people smiled and nodded at me as I walked around singing and shopping.  I felt so free and fearless...amazing.

After shopping, I was supposed to have tea with a woman who I had a great new connection with at a HAI workshop a few weeks ago, but I started to feel overwhelmed with some more work I had to do before my doctor's appointment.  The old me would have crammed it in and stayed feeling overwhelmed, but I decided to practice more self care and simply called her to explain that it would be better for me if we postponed.  Of course, she answered the phone with so much excitement to hang out, and for a moment I reconsidered out of obligation to her.  But I stopped and chose to share with her that as much as I wanted to see her, I really needed to handle some stuff before my appointment and asked if could we do tea next week.  Of course she was so sweet and understanding and it was testimony to the possibility of people loving me more if I love myself first.  There was a time that doing something like that made me feel selfish, but really NOT putting my needs first is the selfish act.  So we chatted for a little bit on the phone while I headed home and she shared an amazing gift with me as she helped me see that all of the extra (or seemingly new) love I'm receiving in the world (friends, family, new connections, etc.) is simply a mirror of all the work I'm doing.  And that when I receive compassion, nurturing, gifts, etc. that it's really because of what I'm putting out there and I can take that as an affirmation of my own transformation and growth.  It's always nice to take a moment and honor just how that this hard work is creating so much joy and love.  Chalk up another blessing.

After that, I cranked out a little work and headed to the doctor.  Just so you know what's going on, as a result of my Pap Smear, I had to get a Colposcopy and a Cervical Biopsy. This was not even close to enjoyable, but taking the time to do this necessary procedure IS loving myself (even though part of me wanted to crawl under a rock and hide from all of the doctors in the hopes that everything would just go away) and I'm really being grateful for my access to preventative care. The doctor isn't worried, and I'll post in a week if there's a problem, but we should all just assume everything is fine (statistically I'm a VERY low risk, so let's just hold on to that.) Most importantly, this was the first time I've had to do anything like this and in many ways it was the most vulnerable I've EVER felt in 37 years.  The physical core of womanhood, being so closely examined, scraped and tested was really emotionally intense.  I'm certain that it is NO coincidence that the universe provided me with an opportunity to receive strength and feminine love just hours after this procedure.

After the procedure, I had the most amazing honor (on an already incredibly powerful and transformative day) to see two phenomenal women speak on revolution.  Grace Lee Boggs and Angela Davis (two feminist activists that I admire) had a conversation at UC Berkeley that left me overflowing with possibility, excitement, and affirmation.  It also left me deeply humbled to have been witness to the voices of over 160 years of wisdom, activism and brilliant engagement in transformation of the world.  I had to breathe deeply multiple times to really allow myself to take in the power of these two women and visualize that each of us have the potential and courage within to radically transform our thinking, our actions and ultimately shape our lives and the world we exist in. Little was I prepared for how healing and affirming this would be for me exactly when I needed it most.

What did I learn?  Whew, so much.....

"Because I was born to Chinese Immigrant parents and because I was born female, I learned very quickly that the world needed changing. But, what I also learned, as I grew older, was that how we change the world and how we think about changing the world has to change.
The time has come for us to RE-IMAGINE everything.....work, labor, revolution, education, community, family, sexual identity, and changes in ourselves. We must move beyond protest." Grace Lee Boggs, 

This inspired me to remember that our history has NOTHING to do with our future.  We must always be open to our learning that inspires new possibilities.  We must never stop at only fighting what doesn't work (protesting), rather engage deeply in the creation and demand for (re)evolution.

With every crisis is danger and opportunity....with every victory comes a new set of challenges.

If this isn't the mantra to systemically and intrinsically internalize the "glass is half full" philosophy, I don't know what is.  This embraces how we need to engage in the unexpected, our failures, our victories that are cause for the unknown (i.e. Obama's election and all that we wish he might have done differently) and ultimately, this pushes each of us to always be responsible for the creation of our lives and the world we want to live in.  

We must combine philosophy with activism- we can't think anymore that all we have to do is act.  We have to do a lot of thinking, use a lot of imagination, and do visionary organizing.

We must always be learning, engaged in dialogue, practicing new ideas, reflecting on the impact of those ideas and actions....and NEVER EVER stop at the technical solution.  Our (re)evolution is about our adaptive transformation and how we engage in continual evolution of ourselves, each other and the systems that surround us.  All things are possible.  All theory is applicable.  All theory to action creates the unknown, and this is where the fun is...we get to exercise imagination, critical thinking, experimentation and be in community while doing it!  It's such an honor and incredible opportunity...don't you agree?

We have the opportunity to create a new humanity, new society, a whole new paradigm in education.  Young people need to be enlisted in the solution of the problems in our community.
The time is now.  There is no other time.  There is no better time to forge ahead than this moment.  Step into your imagination, release yourself of all constraints that the past has (erroneously) put on you and envision a new world, a new life.  But, most importantly, engage the youth.  They are not jaded as we can be and given the space, support and love, they will teach us more than we dreamed possible and catapult us all into the (re)evolution we choose to create.


We must grow our souls and we must do this IN community by building community- the soul is the capacity to create the world anew.  In Neo-Liberalism, we've developed as individuals as if we've forgotten that we are always members of communities. Capitalism is grounded in the possessive individual, but true revolutionaries realize we are connected to each other and every being on the planet.We need human relationships to continue to evolve (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, We must make the transition from a theme oriented to a person oriented society)-- all of us taking responsibility for our security, restore the neighbor in the hood. How can we develop compassionate relations with not only humans, but all of the other creatures in which we share the planet?  What does it look like to look beyond the "exchange value" of the product we acquire?  What if we were committed to developing the critical habit to imagine all of the relationships impacted by our choices is a revolutionary movement in itself?

The work of a true revolutionary is always caring, thinking, stretching and nourishing ourselves....but never alone.  The (re)evolution starts with the self and clearing out all of the baggage our history has weighed us down with.  Nothing in our past exists in tomorrow except what we choose to hold on to. Our soul is capable of constant growth, and yet we've been brainwashed to believe that stagnation (achieving some level and staying there or moving incrementally) is an accomplishment.  Community, connection and interaction creates energy and movement- the opposite of stagnation- so have the courage and passion to engage community in all of your growth.  Doing so offers perspectives, affirmations, support and learning for yourself.  But, in the spirit of community, we must remember that the offering of our presence and commitment to community is a gift received by more than we can imagine.  The only successful revolutions have started with the growth of one's soul, transcending dialogue and moving into shared experiences of love, learning and leadership where energy builds momentum and creates powerful transformation FIRST in self, then in relationship and finally impact in the world.  Whatever fears one might have about engaging our most vulnerable in relationship is only our past trying to keep us stagnant.  Shed it.  You won't be sorry and the world will get to see the gift of your fullest self.

Those are the cliff notes, ya'll.....I'm so inspired and excited to be alive today.  And RE-INSPIRED to go deeper into my work, my heart and my growth. *If you'd like to watch the conversation, here you go!

I love you so much for your contribution in the world...and I hope that the inspiration keeps on flowing.  Thanks for reading, thanks for sharing so much of yourselves with me and thank you most of all for all of your love.   I'm learning how important it is to take as much as I give.  Keep it coming.

Confession: For several years, I've been unable to finish All About Love by bell hooks. Mostly because it's so difficult for me to receive love and imagine a life where balance and reciprocity guide the flow of a loving relationship.  Today I'm not afraid to dig into it.  I'm committing to finishing this book by my birthday and sharing a blog about how it impacted me as I go into my 38th year.  Hold me accountable to continuing the spiritual journey of embracing love fully.  Thanks!

Love,
Maureen

*Written while listening to Bootie Loves Whitney, in tribute to another amazingly powerful woman.  RIP Whitney.