4 months into sobriety....
It's easy now and I'm laughing today at how fun and silly it is to engage the "crazy" (*Crazy= the voices in my head that work really hard to keep me miserable and stagnant) every day.  About a month ago, I had a HUGE epiphany that has led to a series of bizarre and wonderful occurrences.  All because I'm taking time to listen to the "crazy", laugh at it and then be on my way without letting my default voices (some of which I've not listened to nor been aware of for years) guide my journey.  They are simply passengers I acknowledge, but not let steer the plane.

In September, my friend Lynne and I went to the club.  I realized when I walked in that I was panicked because I was going to have to learn how to be in the club SOBER.  I took a deep breath and started to realize I wanted to go to sleep, so I started pounding energy drinks so I wouldn't have an excuse to not engage.  We had a great time, but I started to notice that I have anxiety about being approached by strange men.  A few asked me to dance, and I immediately shot them down.  One, sweet as he was, said "why not?"  and I replied I wasn't ready yet.  He promptly locked it down by saying, "Cool, I'll come back in 15 minutes" and I nodded.  Damn!

So, when he came back, I danced with him a little and when he asked me for my number I gave it to him.  The entire time I was anxious and really fighting to not be agitated.  When I asked myself why that was happening, I realized that deep down I was holding on to a belief that men who are strangers are complete pieces of shit.  Now, this is a great example of some default belief I created as either a kid or young adult that I CHOOSE to not want to believe.  It didn't pan out with him (quick detour, his game was whack...he pulled some "you'll see a missed call and that's me."  WTF am I supposed to do with that?  Call some missed number?  I don't think so...moving on.)

Once I realized that I actually had to work on choosing to believe that strange men could be amazing and sweet, then I actually had to start practicing believing that...especially when I noticed myself believing otherwise.  That started the Monday after the club epiphany (I love saying that) when I had a date set up with a guy I met on OK Cupid.  As I was getting ready, I realized I was preparing myself for a disaster and already planning on what I'd do once I got rid of him.  HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!!  Before I'd met him, I was already clear that I'd be better after I did the obligatory first date so I could write him off.  No wonder I never meet anyone in the bay....I never give them a chance!
So, I literally started practicing the new belief...this could be a great date, he could be a great guy, we'd hit it off, etc.  Of course, I show up for the date and he's WAY cuter than his picture...and he's leaning against a pole on the corner reading Invisible Man, by Ellison.  C'mon son.

Anyways, we go in for a drink and it turns out he's also a non drinker, which made my not drinking easy to negotiate.  I then proceed to find out the following things about this dude:
Pediatrician at Children's Hospital (the local public hospital for kids, duh)
Took a year off from his residency to get a Master's in Public Policy....so he could actually have time to READ which he missed while he was in medical school!
SUPER sweet, chivalrous and fun.
A soccer player, and really in shape and sexy.
He's great natured, up front, candid and PATIENT
He loves to be busy with the many cultural things offered in the bay
He's into open relationships, and REALLY into being honest and discussing what's up.

The list goes on and on...so, here I am thanking the universe for bringing me a smart, sexy, fun and sweet STRANGER so that I can begin to find evidence that supports my newly chosen belief that they can be amazing and NOT pieces of shit (so that I could interrupt the old belief that was messing with my ability to have a local relationship) and for simply bringing about the possibility I'd been asking for.

We've been seeing each other for about a month now, and last night was really sweet and romantic.  Music, parking in the hills with a view of the bay, giggles, kisses, etc.  So, I ask him "you've got a lot on your plate (longer story) and I'm curious what it is your looking for?"  His response was "something not too serious right now...I don't have the energy for it with all that's going on" (family, work, personal stuff, etc.) and I totally get it.  He's basically looking for someone to be intimate with that he can spend time with and have fun.  I can dig it....

UNTIL THE CRAZY KICKED IN TODAY!!!
So, I'm realizing that he's great and all things point to us having a great connection.  And, I'm realizing that there are some differences between us that make me wonder just how serious I could actually get with him.  He's a little more reserved than me and I'm wondering how much he's actually be into some of the crazy shenanigans I find myself up to.  That's fine....I can dig a guy and have fun with him without it having to be hella heavy. The CRAZY kicked in when I started to look for a problem with his answer to my question last night.
He wants to hang out with me, and he wants to continue to have fun...but not seeking intense partnership right now.  He's being super honest and not trying to rush himself or me into anything.  And, what's my response?  I start to tell myself today that him not wanting to consider a serious relationship right now is a deal breaker.  WHY would I begin to think that?!!!
I'll tell you, three reasons.
1. Because I've always experienced tension and impossibility for the last 15 years in creating a relationship.  So, since I am used to that, when the tension goes away and it becomes easy...I have to make it hard.*Thanks, Naz for helping me see that today.
2. I'm looking for evidence to support my default belief that he must be a piece of shit, and give me an out to go back to isolation and loneliness.
3. His honesty triggered my insecurities about not being good enough...and ALTHOUGH I'm considering that he's not the person I'd want to settle down with, him not being ready to explore that makes me cringe like I'm not good enough and makes me want to run.

Ahhhh, sobriety and clarity.  You funny little experience.

What's the point to all of this?  The point is that the universe (and my hard work to have fulfillment in all areas of my life) are paying off.  I found an amazing guy to spend time with and am having unbelievable breakthroughs in this experience of sobriety and listening to the crazy so I can watch for it and interrupt it! Life is good and I'm SO grateful to my many friends (in person and on FB) who share love, support and inspiration with me every day.

I can't believe I'm only a third of the way in.....NOW, I've got to focus on Education as a Vital Sign and get some academic writing done.  More on that soon, folks.
Love and gratitude to all of you for listening,
Maureen