A few years ago, in the Landmark Forum (a life altering three day intensive psychological inquiry blended with Buddhist distinctions) where I was so overcome with anger and murderous rage that I couldn't speak or move, I wanted to quit the class rather than continue to explore my anger. I remember checking in with the teacher who reminded me that I was fine and asked me what would happen if I just sat with my anger. I was afraid at the time that if I let my anger surface, that I'd be capable of horrible things. Like REALLY horrible things. But, I was fine. Nothing happened, except that it passed and I practiced acceptance. Anger to me feels so different from the life I choose to live of love, peace, and community. Nothing about being angry feels like I could maintain any of those things. When I think of anger, I feel empty of love, filled with rage and fearful that I will alienate my community with my actions.
Why am I even thinking about all of this? In the past 9 weeks (since I've been sober) I've been angry more frequently and harder than I remember in years...like 20 years. Not every day or anything, but at a few people and circumstances where I've tapped out, gotten other people (police and bosses) involved and have found myself furious beyond belief. It made me start thinking....what if part of my desire to be inebriated is about avoiding being angry? I am, after all, a happy partying person.....so maybe that's my method of avoiding this fear that I'll be a horrible person doing horrible things if I let my anger show up?
If part of this journey is to examine why I choose to not be sober, then I'm realizing avoiding anger is part of that. And...if avoiding anger is a reason to be inebriated, then while I'm sober I suppose I have to re-establish a healthy relationship with anger. Dang, I totally thought I was through with him. :)
What I'm clear about today is that avoiding anger is also not a healthy relationship. It's kind of like moving to another city when you want to start over....leaving behind people and places and memories DOESN'T actually help me heal in a way that transforms me. It just keeps them out of sight, but my issues ALWAYS show up no matter where I am. Avoiding being angry for fear of something I haven't even done yet (committing violence or saying some really hurtful and damaging things) is bringing my past with me into what I think is possible. This limits me, my capability and my future to only being a product of my experiences. There's no radical transformation in that, and it's not what I'm committed to in the world.
While I'm committed to a life of practicing non judgment in all that I do, that doesn't mean that I can't be angry. So as I practice non judgment, as I practice engaging in transformative work (personal and in the world), I also need to honor that anger is just a valid emotion as any and that I don't have to cave into my fear that anger will lead to something horrible. I'm going to practice believing that when I'm angry I can be
*non judgmental
*compassionate
*patient
*peaceful
*grounded
In fact, there's a person I'm pretty angry with right now that I have to talk and work with. I'll practice that this week, balancing honoring my anger at how I've been treated but being committed to the person I choose to be in the world. For what it's worth, I apologize if you're one of the people I've been angry with and I haven't been honest about that. I know that dishonors our relationship and I'm committed to fully honoring all of the connections I have in the world.
All for now.
Love and go fuck yourself (just kidding),
Maureen
