Well,
As many of you know it has been a long, crazy process for me to apply to Harvard's new program to get a doctorate in Educational Leadership. Putting aside the rigor of the application (essays, compiling letters, resume, the GRE, etc.), what I really learned was how important AND difficult it is to engage community in ANY kind of transformation. I don't just mean transformation in our neighborhoods or our country where including community seems obvious. I mean PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION. None of us can do it alone, even though sometimes it feels easier or like it's the only way. I took on being good enough this year. And, I needed all of you to help me with that.
In my head I am always fighting with all kinds of voices that tell me I'm not good enough, smart enough, or capable enough. I hate those voices, but often they drive me to prove them wrong (always the rebellious teenager!) and they were on full blast from June through December 2010 while I went through this process. I knew that I had to say out loud what I was up to in order to have other voices outside of my head cheer me on. So, I talked about this publicly and engaged people to be on my "team Harvard." You, my community, were amazing....you cheered me on, checked to make sure I was handling my business, helped me think about concepts for my application, and physically helped me edit (about 18 of you!) those damn essays! For that, I'm forever grateful. What you did mostly, that I cannot ever sufficiently express my appreciation for, is that you listened to me and stood by me as I created the possibility of something transformative for myself and for our country. Your listening to my creation of a HUGE possibility was so powerful. Saying it to you made it real. Your listening created a belief that it was not only possible, but probable. What I know is true, is that without my community hearing me, believing in me and holding me to something extraordinary, is that I would not have accomplished what I set out to accomplish.
I know this because throughout this process I was afraid, insecure, unsure and wanted to quit more times than I can count. Had I not shared what I was up to and had you not listened to me with love and faith, I would have. The voices in my head would have won...and, thankfully, your voices were louder and more consistent.
I was shocked and overwhelmed when I was invited to interview for this program. Out of well over a thousand applications (maybe 2, 000), they chose 53 to interview. I booked the plane ticket and told my friends and family. Your love was amazing.....getting to that level has been one of the most unreal experiences of my life. I thought, "wow, maybe I am good enough"...but that was temporary.
Something happened in me. If I'm being honest, I stopped engaging community. I mean, I told people what was happening...but several people offered to help me think about what to say, practice, etc. and I kept telling people that I didn't want to over think it, that there wasn't anything I could do to prepare but just practice being grounded (which I did by myself in my head) and just be me. Once I started acting on that, my anxiety grew and grew over the next couple of weeks. I went from believing in myself (that I had the interview handled) to compromising all of the work from the past 8 months by NOT engaging my community in helping me to believe in myself, prepare for the interview and remember what I'm committed to in my personal transformation and in the transformation I want to take on in education in the United States.
The days leading up to the interview were some of the most painful and anxiety filled I've had in years. I spoke to a few people before I left, but I was just expressing anxiety and how I'd address it. I wasn't open to having my community BE with me. I thought "if Harvard is going to take me, they're going to take me as I am...great and imperfect", and what I did was use that as an excuse to honor those voices that told me I wasn't good enough. Now, I know there's a balance of being real and authentic with playing the game. And, I could fool a lot of you into thinking that I played that game. Real talk, I didn't. Had I really believed I was good enough going into that interview, I would have nailed it.
I won't share the details of the interview, but I'll simply say that I wasn't my best. I was great and all....I mean, c'mon. :) But, it wasn't solid. I didn't blow anyone away. And afterwards, I started critiquing the interview process....and I was angry at some things and one person. I started making excuses for how flawed their process was and grasped on to hope that I'd skated through. Then, I was nauseous for 8 days straight. I couldn't sleep, I was furious at myself, at them and suddenly it MATTERED if I got in or not. As if that would tell me that I'm good enough. Yesterday I found out I didn't get in. And, you know how I felt? Relieved. Seriously, it validated all the voices and gave me a moment to go to where I'm comfortable. I don't feel bad about it and I do feel accomplished. And, I'm going to try again. But, relief? Weird, right?
And, then I remembered last June one morning with my girl Denise Jolly on my porch. We set intentions for the year and the one I said was "I want to turn in an application that's competitive. I want it to be good enough to get me the interview." Well, I got what I asked for. I got as far as I set the intention to get me and I stopped. What was flawed about that intention? I didn't start from a place that honored what I'm capable of in what I want to do in education. I started from a place of deficiency as if the competitive application was the victory. It wasn't. And...DAMN. I got EXACTLY WHAT I ASKED FOR. Shit, that was almost easy now that I think about it. What stopped me was myself.
So.....now what?
Well, given that I believe in being loud and proud in my community about what I'm up to and my struggles, I start by sharing this experience. Then, I create a new possibility that I ask you all to stand with me in.
What I'm up to in the world is engaging the country in a conversation (and ultimately policy change) that has the US compensate and prepare our teachers like we do doctors. I want us to honor the profession of teaching and its complexities in a way we never have because our country, teachers and kids deserve it. We have a lot of work to do so that we have the BEST TEACHERS IN THE WORLD to serve our amazing students. All of them, equitably. Now, that doesn't mean we don't have some of the best PEOPLE in the world in classrooms...I'm just saying that what we pay teachers and the level of training and development we get is WAY below par and it sends a message to our teachers and kids that they aren't good enough. We are, they are and if we believe that we must send the most extraordinary, developed teachers into classrooms and keep supporting them to be their ABSOLUTE best by paying them one of the highest salaries, offering continued development and giving them the resources they need to make every class the most powerful learning experience of a child's life. That's a lot of work.
So, how does Harvard fit in? Well, its ONE way for me to learn more about education, economics and policy development (this particular program is a joint program between those three graduate schools) so that I can figure out how to best engage the country in this shift.
Harvard is also NOT the only way to do that....so, what I'm up to now is applying again. BUT, I'm also going to take the lessons I got from this gift of the application process and interview (they gave me GREAT info on areas to focus on) and create a huge action plan where I can learn more, get more experience in and engage with more community around this concept. This means improving my writing, expanding my learning in this area, AND CONTINUING TO KEEP MY COMMUNITY ENGAGED IN MY PERSONAL STRUGGLE WITH TRANSFORMATION.
I'm asking you to hold me to account. How's my learning going? What have I written lately? How's the application going? What personal struggles have I been faced with and what am I doing about that? How can you help (and don't let me let you off the hook!)?What new lessons can I share? What new experiences have I taken on?
I'm asking you to consider where you have sold yourself short and share with me...BUT MAKE ME SHARE RIGHT BACK WITH YOU, or else I'll focus on you and that's also easy for me. :)
I'm a firm believer in the concept "you don't always get what you want, but you get what you need."
Well, in this case I got both. I realize how powerful intentions are and how careful I have to be in creating them without selling myself short.
And, I needed this....what a gift this lesson has been. What a gift you are.
Today, I'm the luckiest person I know.
All love, all the time.
