You got a problem with my feelings? Tough shit.

First, the title is an inner dialogue.
Second, before I dig in, I just want to acknowledge that I'm creeping up on 11 months sober!!!!!  *In the spirit of full disclosure, I took 4 days off to enjoy NOLA Jazzfest cocktails in the hot tub.  But C'mon, son...who could blame me for taking a break from the break?*  Anyways...the clarity I've experienced this year has been an incredible journey.  I'm so grateful for this choice and to those of you who've encouraged me this year.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I'll toast to all of you on July 5th when the one year is up!  
Also, this blog is about to hit 2,500 hits ....I'd love your help to double that soon.  Please share if you think anything I'm sharing is of service to anyone else....I appreciate your love and support as I take this journey in its most raw and transparent form.  Love.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------


I've realized lately just how deeply conflicted I am about being an "emotional" person.  I know I've written about anger and how I suppress that out of fear that I won't be able to control it.  But, I've rarely explored emotions that come from being hurt, vulnerable, or afraid.  I have been thinking a lot about how (as a woman who felt the need to be "tough" to be successful) I've chosen to take on traits that would serve this path and how taking on being tough has also not served me.  I also think it's interesting that I'm called into a profession that makes space for emotions (serving children and the educators who serve those children is HIGHLY emotional), and how good I am at avoiding them.  Hm.


A long time ago, early on in childhood, I internalized that if people really saw who I was inside that it was highly dangerous.  So, I started building walls to make sure no one could see what felt like my most vulnerable me.  Often, that meant hiding fears, sadness, important questions, and the array of emotional reactions I would have to my experiences.  Throughout my teen years, that turned into being super loud, funny and righteously confrontational....but still hiding my emotions. It's like I somehow learned that the traits of humor and being forthright with more masculine energy would get me further.  It did...it got me lots of friends, recognition, success and opportunities that I believed I wouldn't have had if I had really expressed my sensitive and emotional inner self.   In my relationships with men, it seemed to me that this message of danger when walls were down was HIGHLY reinforced by some experiences where my heart was shredded by their acts of dishonesty and cheating.  Later on, as a young adult in Atlanta and Oakland, I internalized that I had to be tough to protect myself and to advance my career/mission of education.  The only times I felt I could really let my walls down were when I was with kids....but, even that was in service of others, not in exploration of myself.  If I was engaged in political issues, school management, relationships in my community, social events, etc. I learned that what would serve me was energy that was:
*Passionate, but not vulnerable.
*Forceful, relentless, and never showing fears.
*Focused on hard work and good times, not making space for emotional turmoil.
*Focused on accomplishment, not the journey.


Developing these traits also got me plenty of relationships with men that were fun, adventurous, distant and (often) short lived. In many ways, this was amazing....I was able to get A LOT done in my career , have a great time, build a million stories of fun and adventure, build lots of community and keep my walls up, all the while not taking personal risks with my heart and spirit.  Clearly, this means I was living a huge part of my life in hiding...not being truly authentic with the world.  As I grow and work on being totally fulfilled, this means I have to be who I am and work to tear down the walls that hide me.  Let me tell you....walking the world as a completely authentic person is REALLY fucking hard work.  It means being honest about my emotions, digging into them to look for where they are acting as my walls (defense emotions) and where I'm suppressing them from habits of fear. It means finding a balance of who I really am outside of the normed traits I've taken on that are valued in the world (inherently white, male and hetero-normed) and how to balance being true to myself while successfully honoring my commitment to personal and global transformation. This doesn't mean that some of those traits are bad....I just have to inquire as to whether they are really ME or if I've normed them to satisfy my quest for success and fears of being exposed behind the walls.


In the past few years, as I've explored what it would look like to be completely fulfilled in my heart, spirit, body and mind, I've had to take on some really hard challenges.  In that vein, I've had to take on that if people could REALLY see me...walls down and fully exposed...that there's actually nothing to fear.  Clearly, this isn't easy....even as I write it now with all the growth I've made in this area, there's a voice in my head that says "getthefuckouttaherewiththatshit"...so clearly, I've got more work to do to un-brainwash myself from this belief.  But, I'm committed that this belief I created isn't real...that I can be love(d) and perfect, whole and complete as I allow my inner emotional self to emerge freely and fearlessly.   


The reason all this is on my brain is that this week was really, really tough for me, professionally and personally.  There's lots of transition happening in my career....all exciting and good, but hard and new.  There's lots of growth and deepening happening in a relationship I'm in...also, all exciting and good, but hard and new.  I feel raw, exhausted and incompetent as a "newly" authentic person.  I also feel blessed, excited and eager to get better at living with walls down.  It's hard to be excited about this, because my default feeling (when I'm raw and vulnerable and emotional) is that I'm a punk for spending so much time "feeling" and not getting the work done.  I feel weak and judgmental of myself.  I also know these are my walls fighting HARD to stay up and I have to just deal with it until it passes (and it always does.)  But, those of you who know me well, you know there is NOTHING about me that is even remotely cool with feeling like a punk.  It makes me want to fight, crush, destroy whatever feels like it's in my way to get past it.  Simply sitting with what comes up and engaging my loved ones in supporting me through it is the path I'm choosing. Every time I have a flare up of emotions and grapple with abandoning this path, this works to help me stay on it.  I become less afraid, experience tremendous growth and always feel stronger and stronger on the other end of it.  Being my fullest self exposed, believing that I'm whole and complete exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not, and being WITH my community as this person (not the facade of tough girl hiding this side of me) keeps building so much momentum for transformation that I'm constantly amazed and in wonder of the power of authenticity.  

This morning, my sister Cera Byer posted this.  
"i dont want you to love me the way a child loves a parent - full of fear of punishment, full of sneaking, & pressing the boundaries of how much you can get away with.
i dont want to love you the way a parent loves a child, responsible for holding the reigns of your behavior.
i want something different, something bigger, something that starts with both of us, as individuals, able to meet each other on a common ground of honesty & respect. a life where we act, every day, in alignment with who we want to be. 
love isn't about feelings. it's about the choices we make every day."


This makes me realize that I often dream of a world where we ALL realize we are at choice in every moment. A world where we create the life we want for ourselves and are victim to nothing. A world where we step fully into our responsibility for fulfillment and happiness....and where we can enter more powerfully into transforming that which does not work around us. Can you imagine a world when we have all achieved the balance of stepping into our power and being resigned to nothing?  It's dreams of this for myself and the world that fuel me every day.....consider this fuel for you, mmmmmk?


Before I go...a few things.  I want to thank the following people for being such an incredible source of support and love to me in so many ways as I've been on this roller coaster.  Sonya, Denise, hilary, Lynne, Alisha, Linsey, Micia, Leidene, Jill, Cera, Kristin, Randy, Caroline,Ellie, Geoff, Fish, Abdul Kenyatta, Chas, Baz, Patrick, Brian, Glenn, and Anthony. I love you all and am so grateful for your presence in my life....  

Lastly, I was reminded (thanks, Linsey) of don miguel ruiz's 4 Agreements as I struggled this week.  I share them here for their amazing foundational strength as we all choose to live in our power. Holler at me with your stories and/or what resonated for you in this blog.  I love hearing from you!  

the four agreements - don miguel ruiz's code for life

agreement 1

Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

agreement 3

Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

agreement 4

Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

**This blog brought to you with my Spotify Playlist "Jilly from Philly"

All awakening to love is spiritual awakening. ~bell hooks

Journey of the Heart:  The Path of Conscious Love "Dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love- which is to transform us." John Welwood
*Warning, I'm going to quote the shit out of bell hooks today.  Be ready.

For years I've been deeply committed to the possibility of transformation in the world~ of our systemic and societal perpetuation of domination and oppression.  Yet, over and over again I keep coming back to the most essential element of transformation~starting with self.  I remember the sweet Buddy Wakefield saying to me about 4 years ago, "If you're gonna take on coaching and supporting everyone else in transforming, you've got to do the work yourself and keep up with your own shit."  At the time I kind of blew him off, but I've realized how right he was and how much easier it is to be consumed in all of the "other" things that seemed to need my attention, thereby neglecting my own developmental needs for support.  Easier because

• So many things seem so much more important than me 
• It's so much more enjoyable to put the magnifying glass on all things 'broken' everywhere else 
• Focus on me means letting others see me, in all my imperfect glory, and with that comes TREMENDOUS fear

Somewhere along the way (I can pinpoint a few experiences from childhood through young adulthood that are the origins of my fears) my brain created the belief that "If I'm seen for the flawed being that I am, I'll be destroyed." This fear of being seen has manifested in a few positive attributes as well as ones that cause suffering.  On one hand, I'm incredibly independent and resourceful.  I get shit done, with or without help.  On the other hand, I don't get the benefit of others' love when I'm in need because I won't even show I'm in need of help or support, usually taking on too much in my life to keep busy and avoid being in community in my struggle.  I stay alone to navigate my suffering.  What's crazy about that is that I KNOW I'M NOT ALONE.  Many of us fear being seen and so we hide from each other~ in spite of our common struggles and fears as well as the CLEAR benefit of outside perspective and support that come from love.  

"In today's world we are taught to fear the truth, to believe it always hurts. ...Commitment to knowing love can protect us by keeping us wedded to a life of truth, willing to share ourselves openly and fully in both private and public life. " bell hooks

And so, the consequences of living with this fear like it's the truth has me living like a fraud (not being real) and denying my loved ones the opportunity to give love (incredibly selfish.)   Being open with my loved ones about my struggles, needs, fears, sadness, etc. is my authentic commitment to truth.  To practice doing that in spite of all my fears that airing them will lead to destruction and pain, helps me squash the belief that being seen= destruction PLUS allows love to work its magic. This work is simply practicing that being seen as my fullest self is joyful and will only bring me relief and fulfillment.  Nothing is destroyed by bringing light into the places in me that have not been illuminated.  In fact, being really seen (struggles and all) is an act of revolution.  It allows us to nurture, strengthen and love each other, building interdependent and interconnected community that counteracts the societal oppressions that tell us we're weak and that nothing will ever change.  

"Community cannot take root in a divided life.  Long before community assumes external shape and form, it must be present as a seed in the undivided self: only as we are in communion with ourselves can we find community in others." Parker Palmer 

In order to be in communion with myself, the other belief I must practice to face and conquer my fears is that "In love, I am perfect, whole and complete...exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not."  It allows me to imagine that my struggles are also perfection.  This belief helps me eliminate normal descriptors I use like "flawed" or "broken" and allows me to embrace my struggles with a little more compassion and courage.  Lately, I've been surrounded by numerous powerful women that are struggling with asking for help.  It's like a theme and I'm convinced it's another example of the universe providing EXACTLY what I need at EXACTLY the time I need it.  If I can see myself in others, I can begin to receive love with empathy, reflection and profound learning.  I'm incredibly grateful to these women for their courage, openness, and selfless gifts in giving and sharing. Seeing myself in others is immeasurably helpful. Knowing that we are taking on this challenge together, in sisterhood, fuels me to more deeply engage in shattering the ceilings that have boxed us in for too long.


"Fear is the primary force upholding structures of domination.  It promotes the desire for separation, the desire not to be known...When we choose to love we choose to move against fear--against alienation and separation.  The choice to love is a choice to connect- to find ourselves in each other." bell hooks

The last few years have required a tremendous amount of energy and intention to interrupt my historical pattern of hiding through giving.   I have to fight off the guilt I feel at prioritizing my own spiritual, mental and physical nourishment over my professional contribution to the world.  I have to be willing to be seen by those that love me, and receive the love that I so willingly give.  This has NOT been a simple task.  It's meant thousands of hours of conversations, writing, reading, meditating, courses, reflection, experimenting and experiencing the pain that comes with cracking open so many layers upon layers of walls that I've built to avoid letting anyone see me. Three years after reclaiming my life back and committing to a life of complete balance and fulfillment,  I'm beginning to realize the enormity of the job that is undoing YEARS of self-neglect.  And, the more I've listened to my heart, mind, body, spirit, the more I keep realizing how malnourished I was after NOT putting myself first or allowing myself to be vulnerable/ in need in my community/relationships.

"Spiritual life is first and foremost about commitment to a way of thinking and behaving that honors principles of inter-being and interconnectedness." bell hooks

At the same time, I'm really surprised that I've needed to take so much time (since quitting my daily grind in public schools) after 13 years of the grueling work of being a teacher/administrator deeply engaged in reform.  I just figured I needed a few months off to rest and then jump right back into my next project.  But, as I dig in I realize this is not a short path. It's a lifelong journey of discovery, tackling fears, building relationships, believing that stepping into my greatness comes with being authentically seen and many, many unknown lessons to come. What I thought would be a short "break" from my professional career to rest, reflect and rejuvenate has become a concurrent path that will forever be intertwined with my commitment to engaging the world in the possibility of unconditional love and infinite growth.  What's helpful to me is that I realize that my contribution to the world will be SO much more powerful if my spirit, mind and body are well cared for and nourished.
Taking on this journey by being seen in community/relationships as my authentic self (struggles AND strengths), asking for help, receiving as much love as I give to others and believing that
'In love, I am whole, perfect and complete...exactly as I am and exactly as I'm not'
is an incredible opportunity.  Just seeing that this path exists is a blessing....but believing that this path is my destined journey brings me indescribable gratitude.  I am so grateful that I've been able to see that this is possible, fruitful and necessary.  I will NOT turn my back on this opportunity. I will NOT turn my back on love.

"When the practice of love invites us to enter a place of potential bliss that is at the same time a place of critical awakening and pain, many of us turn our backs on love." bell hooks

As you can see, bell hooks has had a tremendous influence on me lately.  I've learned that the fears and pain that come with being open to love is the transformation I need, for myself and for what I want to contribute to the world.  I've learned that the awakening IS critical and not dangerous at all. In fact, every time I've embraced being open to receiving love, asked for what I needed, shared parts of myself that weren't all "perfect looking" and communicated authentically (with or without fears), I get EXACTLY what I need.  I get challenged, supported, nurtured, heard, and loved. Every time.  It might not be how I thought it would look, but it's consistently what I need. Every time.
I encourage all of you to try it today.....try being open to love, asking for what you need and accepting it.  There's an amazing adventure for you on the other side of that.

Love, love, love,
Maureen

The power of feminism and revolution...and the healing that comes with loving ourselves and each other.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH TO ME!!!  It's a whole new kind of March Madness....are you ready?!  I am!  :) As I focused on starting with self to get to global transformation, it turned into my longest blog ever. Also, I went link crazy today....there's tons of great links in here.   I hope you enjoy it half as much as I enjoyed writing it today.

Yesterday was one of those days that started with a fork in the road and an opportunity to choose how I would create this day for myself. On one hand, there was so much to get done, an impending scary doctor appointment and a crowded event that I had to rush to deal with the hassle of parking and waiting in a long line right after said doctor's appointment.  On the other hand, it was a BEAUTIFUL day in Oakland, I had the blessings and resources to take the time to go food shopping for healthy and nourishing food for the week, thoughtfully engage in reviewing resumes for an amazing person to fill the interim position I hold (launching me into the next phase of my career and spiritual path), access my health insurance and amazing doctors that enabled me to be proactive in dealing with a potentially scary health situation (don't stress ya'll, it'll be fine but I'm emphasizing the blessing of having access and support in a situation that left unchecked could have been a whole different scenario), and an opportunity to spend an afternoon with one of my favorite people on the planet to bear witness to the transformative and powerful inner thoughts and questions of two awe-inspiring women who have changed the world.  I've got to go with creating an amazing day, right?  Because I only have today.....why not have it be fantastic?

So, after choosing how my day was going to go, this is how it went down.  After having the honor to send out an invitation to a bunch of people who applied for the interim job I currently hold to submit some short essays, I really sat with what a blessing it is to be on the team to support in this transition and what it can really mean for me.  All I see are so many possibilities and opportunities....to keep engaging with with an amazingly progressive and revolutionary firm that is launching into its 20th and best year yet as well as to stretch and challenge myself to live in my dream and vision for the work it'll take to have the US engage in the work we need to do to revere and honor the profession of teaching. This was so energizing and peaceful all at once.  Then, in the spirit of loving myself I decided to take time to go food shopping and get all the nourishment I needed (this meant choosing to re-calendar some things and prioritize taking care of myself first) to treat my body like the sacred temple it is.  My grocery routine is pretty particular at this point (it used to be really random and fast, but now I'm much more thoughtful about how and where I shop for food) after spending the year practicing the belief that I love my body and I'm still so surprised and pleased at how much joy this ritual brings me.  It includes the downtown Oakland farmer's market, Whole Foods, Costco and Trader Joes...and it takes a few hours to get a few things from each place. But, I get home and have everything I could possibly need and want and my body feels better than it ever has in my entire life.  With the sun on my face and Adele's Make You Feel My Love on repeat so I could rehearse it loud and fearlessly, I started my day out in gorgeous Oakland.  An unexpected gift has been the healing that has come with a realization of what this song means when it's a love song to myself as I work on manifesting that I am worthy of receiving the kind of powerful love that I'm so easily able to give (try listening to it as a love song to yourself, you'll see!)   I couldn't stop smiling and dozens of people smiled and nodded at me as I walked around singing and shopping.  I felt so free and fearless...amazing.

After shopping, I was supposed to have tea with a woman who I had a great new connection with at a HAI workshop a few weeks ago, but I started to feel overwhelmed with some more work I had to do before my doctor's appointment.  The old me would have crammed it in and stayed feeling overwhelmed, but I decided to practice more self care and simply called her to explain that it would be better for me if we postponed.  Of course, she answered the phone with so much excitement to hang out, and for a moment I reconsidered out of obligation to her.  But I stopped and chose to share with her that as much as I wanted to see her, I really needed to handle some stuff before my appointment and asked if could we do tea next week.  Of course she was so sweet and understanding and it was testimony to the possibility of people loving me more if I love myself first.  There was a time that doing something like that made me feel selfish, but really NOT putting my needs first is the selfish act.  So we chatted for a little bit on the phone while I headed home and she shared an amazing gift with me as she helped me see that all of the extra (or seemingly new) love I'm receiving in the world (friends, family, new connections, etc.) is simply a mirror of all the work I'm doing.  And that when I receive compassion, nurturing, gifts, etc. that it's really because of what I'm putting out there and I can take that as an affirmation of my own transformation and growth.  It's always nice to take a moment and honor just how that this hard work is creating so much joy and love.  Chalk up another blessing.

After that, I cranked out a little work and headed to the doctor.  Just so you know what's going on, as a result of my Pap Smear, I had to get a Colposcopy and a Cervical Biopsy. This was not even close to enjoyable, but taking the time to do this necessary procedure IS loving myself (even though part of me wanted to crawl under a rock and hide from all of the doctors in the hopes that everything would just go away) and I'm really being grateful for my access to preventative care. The doctor isn't worried, and I'll post in a week if there's a problem, but we should all just assume everything is fine (statistically I'm a VERY low risk, so let's just hold on to that.) Most importantly, this was the first time I've had to do anything like this and in many ways it was the most vulnerable I've EVER felt in 37 years.  The physical core of womanhood, being so closely examined, scraped and tested was really emotionally intense.  I'm certain that it is NO coincidence that the universe provided me with an opportunity to receive strength and feminine love just hours after this procedure.

After the procedure, I had the most amazing honor (on an already incredibly powerful and transformative day) to see two phenomenal women speak on revolution.  Grace Lee Boggs and Angela Davis (two feminist activists that I admire) had a conversation at UC Berkeley that left me overflowing with possibility, excitement, and affirmation.  It also left me deeply humbled to have been witness to the voices of over 160 years of wisdom, activism and brilliant engagement in transformation of the world.  I had to breathe deeply multiple times to really allow myself to take in the power of these two women and visualize that each of us have the potential and courage within to radically transform our thinking, our actions and ultimately shape our lives and the world we exist in. Little was I prepared for how healing and affirming this would be for me exactly when I needed it most.

What did I learn?  Whew, so much.....

"Because I was born to Chinese Immigrant parents and because I was born female, I learned very quickly that the world needed changing. But, what I also learned, as I grew older, was that how we change the world and how we think about changing the world has to change.
The time has come for us to RE-IMAGINE everything.....work, labor, revolution, education, community, family, sexual identity, and changes in ourselves. We must move beyond protest." Grace Lee Boggs, 

This inspired me to remember that our history has NOTHING to do with our future.  We must always be open to our learning that inspires new possibilities.  We must never stop at only fighting what doesn't work (protesting), rather engage deeply in the creation and demand for (re)evolution.

With every crisis is danger and opportunity....with every victory comes a new set of challenges.

If this isn't the mantra to systemically and intrinsically internalize the "glass is half full" philosophy, I don't know what is.  This embraces how we need to engage in the unexpected, our failures, our victories that are cause for the unknown (i.e. Obama's election and all that we wish he might have done differently) and ultimately, this pushes each of us to always be responsible for the creation of our lives and the world we want to live in.  

We must combine philosophy with activism- we can't think anymore that all we have to do is act.  We have to do a lot of thinking, use a lot of imagination, and do visionary organizing.

We must always be learning, engaged in dialogue, practicing new ideas, reflecting on the impact of those ideas and actions....and NEVER EVER stop at the technical solution.  Our (re)evolution is about our adaptive transformation and how we engage in continual evolution of ourselves, each other and the systems that surround us.  All things are possible.  All theory is applicable.  All theory to action creates the unknown, and this is where the fun is...we get to exercise imagination, critical thinking, experimentation and be in community while doing it!  It's such an honor and incredible opportunity...don't you agree?

We have the opportunity to create a new humanity, new society, a whole new paradigm in education.  Young people need to be enlisted in the solution of the problems in our community.
The time is now.  There is no other time.  There is no better time to forge ahead than this moment.  Step into your imagination, release yourself of all constraints that the past has (erroneously) put on you and envision a new world, a new life.  But, most importantly, engage the youth.  They are not jaded as we can be and given the space, support and love, they will teach us more than we dreamed possible and catapult us all into the (re)evolution we choose to create.


We must grow our souls and we must do this IN community by building community- the soul is the capacity to create the world anew.  In Neo-Liberalism, we've developed as individuals as if we've forgotten that we are always members of communities. Capitalism is grounded in the possessive individual, but true revolutionaries realize we are connected to each other and every being on the planet.We need human relationships to continue to evolve (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, We must make the transition from a theme oriented to a person oriented society)-- all of us taking responsibility for our security, restore the neighbor in the hood. How can we develop compassionate relations with not only humans, but all of the other creatures in which we share the planet?  What does it look like to look beyond the "exchange value" of the product we acquire?  What if we were committed to developing the critical habit to imagine all of the relationships impacted by our choices is a revolutionary movement in itself?

The work of a true revolutionary is always caring, thinking, stretching and nourishing ourselves....but never alone.  The (re)evolution starts with the self and clearing out all of the baggage our history has weighed us down with.  Nothing in our past exists in tomorrow except what we choose to hold on to. Our soul is capable of constant growth, and yet we've been brainwashed to believe that stagnation (achieving some level and staying there or moving incrementally) is an accomplishment.  Community, connection and interaction creates energy and movement- the opposite of stagnation- so have the courage and passion to engage community in all of your growth.  Doing so offers perspectives, affirmations, support and learning for yourself.  But, in the spirit of community, we must remember that the offering of our presence and commitment to community is a gift received by more than we can imagine.  The only successful revolutions have started with the growth of one's soul, transcending dialogue and moving into shared experiences of love, learning and leadership where energy builds momentum and creates powerful transformation FIRST in self, then in relationship and finally impact in the world.  Whatever fears one might have about engaging our most vulnerable in relationship is only our past trying to keep us stagnant.  Shed it.  You won't be sorry and the world will get to see the gift of your fullest self.

Those are the cliff notes, ya'll.....I'm so inspired and excited to be alive today.  And RE-INSPIRED to go deeper into my work, my heart and my growth. *If you'd like to watch the conversation, here you go!

I love you so much for your contribution in the world...and I hope that the inspiration keeps on flowing.  Thanks for reading, thanks for sharing so much of yourselves with me and thank you most of all for all of your love.   I'm learning how important it is to take as much as I give.  Keep it coming.

Confession: For several years, I've been unable to finish All About Love by bell hooks. Mostly because it's so difficult for me to receive love and imagine a life where balance and reciprocity guide the flow of a loving relationship.  Today I'm not afraid to dig into it.  I'm committing to finishing this book by my birthday and sharing a blog about how it impacted me as I go into my 38th year.  Hold me accountable to continuing the spiritual journey of embracing love fully.  Thanks!

Love,
Maureen

*Written while listening to Bootie Loves Whitney, in tribute to another amazingly powerful woman.  RIP Whitney.

The Currency of Sexuality and my demons.....

Let me start by sharing one of my core beliefs:  If I'm able to see struggle in others, in order to be my most compassionate and non judgmental self, I must first look to see how that struggle exists within me.  There is no IF that struggle exists in me, because if I can see it outside of me, I know that I recognize it from within.

I work with a brilliant and lovely young woman who is transitioning out of the foster care system. My role as a Court Appointed Special Advocate is to listen to her and fight for her needs/wants in the legal system that isn't inherently designed to do that for her.  When I met her last summer, she was in jail after being arrested two years earlier for prostitution (mind you, her pimp wasn't arrested, just her at 16...but that's another blog.) She wasn't in jail because she had been working the streets. She was in jail because while she was on probation for this "first offense" she kept running from group homes that didn't meet her needs and trying to make a life for herself that worked in the way she knew.  This was a violation of her probation and she was forced to do time for it.

After her release (we petitioned the judge to see the absurdity of her being in jail for 6 months for being AWOL from a group home), I began working with her to consider college, completion of her GED, getting a job, getting her own apartment, etc.  While she was INCREDIBLY excited about all of these possibilities, all she ever kept asking for was her freedom....from the stranger running her group home, from the rules that stopped her from seeing her family and friends in her old neighborhood and to be able to have a cell phone to engage with people in her community. However, she kept breaking the rules and pushing the limits because she wanted all of her freedoms immediately.  Who can blame her?  Despite trying to help her have a plan that incrementally gave her freedoms based on her growth, her lack of impulse control and simple desire to be free meant that she ultimately ran again (within days of her release from probation) and has been on the streets of East Oakland for the last 5 months.  Many people hear this and think how sad it is, but quickly blame her for not being willing to follow rules.

There is no part of me that can blame her in any way for making this choice.... she gets to choose how she lives her life at any given moment and will do the best she can given her experiences in the world.  Plus, no blame assigned to her can surpass the pain she's experiencing living with this choice.  What I see her struggling with is how to use her own value to buy pieces of the life she wants for herself now, creating freedom as she sees it.  If she sees no value in the foster/educational/judicial system OR in incremental growth towards a bigger plan OR in the people who have historically taken her from her mom and locked her up and kept her in the system, I can see that she believes she is making the best choice for herself that she believes possible. Despite the fact that she has been beaten up, suffered physical and emotional trauma and still is forced to live by another set of rules, she sees that who she is in this (albeit traumatic and differently dysfunctional) system as valuable.  Sex is her currency.  It gets her status, gives her a value in a system (of which she's not experienced in any other way) and gives her SOME control in a life that feels beyond all control. When I see that, I can feel compassion.  Aside from heartache I feel when I realize she sees this as the most valuable asset she can offer right now, and that she DESPERATELY wants out of it but doesn't know how, I feel a sisterhood with her.

If I start with myself, before I move to judge her, I have to be honest and share that I also struggle with my sexuality as a currency.  If someone doesn't find me sexy, I immediately struggle with self worth.  If someone DOES find me attractive and wants to sleep with me, it spawns a whole set of challenges for me.  Why do they want me?  Will they want me if I put MY needs first and engage my partner in that? *Note, even asking this question is NOT putting my needs first!  This journey of sobriety (*btw, it's been 7 months!!) has been many things, but a big conflict has been the challenge of being unapologetic about what I want in the world of relationship/intimacy and how that impacts my experience of being in relationship.

Where I've grown is in being excited about putting out there what I want.  I've more deeply engaged about not wanting children, looking for a partnership that is more Frieda Kahlo and Diego Rivera style, seeking someone who is open to the idea of open relationships, etc.  This has certainly changed who I date, BUT with being excited and having unapologetic pride in realizing this is what I want, there has been no shortage of people who respond to this.  Practicing the belief that there is ALWAYS value to who I am and what I need has helped to actualize experiences where I am received as valuable.
Where I struggle, like the young woman I work with, is undoing all of the brainwashing that has me, as a woman, defaulting to sex as the value I bring to the relationship.  While I intellectually get that I'm many things valuable (smart, accomplished, fun, interesting, unique, etc.), when I'm my most vulnerable self, I catch myself defaulting to sex as the currency I can negotiate with and I move to that rather than allow my partners to fall in love with the many other aspects I bring to the table.  Part of my sobriety has forced me to stay clear and intent on interrupting that. At 37, with many years of study, experience and brilliant community, THIS IS STILL NO EASY TASK.

The past couple of months I've been in conversation with someone I'm really interested in getting to know.  He's smart, insightful, travelled, accomplished and ridiculously fun and adventurous.  He's also sexy as hell.  We've hung out, but spent more time on the phone than anything else....and this has made focusing on my other "valuables" much, much easier.  This week we went out and I was immediately confronted with my default of avoiding intimacy with humor (because I can't avoid it with alcohol) and focusing on the physical attraction between us. It's torture and hard work.  He asked me at some point why I was blushing and I chose to take a leap of faith (again, practicing that even in my struggles there is beauty and value) and shared that it's really hard for me to stay in the space of intimacy and not go to sex.  It felt really good at the time to be so self expressed and free.

And then my default voices kicked in hard.  I had to really fight to resist the urge to cave into sex to avoid intimacy and seek value in a newly emerging relationship.  I want him to want all of me, not just chase the cute red bra under the little dress.  The reason this is so difficult for me is that I'm trying to BALANCE being unapologetic about my sexuality and wanting to be wanted as a whole...struggles and values together.  And, balance is a journey not easily found by setting boundaries alone. What comes up engaging in balance is where the learning exists.

So, one victory down, we wrapped up the night and I didn't cave in to my default.  We had a fun night, he was sweet, I was truthful about my internal conflict and I appreciated him honoring my needs.  Here is where I found my empathy with the young woman I talked about at the beginning of this blog.  The voices in my head immediately started telling me I blew it and I'd never see him again.  While this might seem ridiculous to some of you, I really want to convey how POWERFUL and FUCKING LOUD these voices are...reinforcing some brainwashing that my main (if not ONLY) value is from sex and that if I want to be loved, wanted, needed it has to start from there. It's like I've been trained to believe that sex is some hook and I can reel someone in with it that and maybe, with time, my partner might discover all the other amazing things about me. In trying to make the space for my partner to see the whole me, I felt like I had to create boundaries to limit or avoid the initial sexual element of that relationship.   I find myself so saddened by this.  Not because it's some insurmountable challenge I can't overcome (because I will), but I wonder how many millions of women throughout generations have bought into this absurdity and lived their lives believing the currency of sex is our main value and struggled with how to be seen as a whole being.  How many times have we either overindulged in sex because it's what's valued or avoided being fully self expressed as sexual beings because of our fear of not being seen as a whole human?  How has this impacted millions of men who only see the "sexy" we've been trained to show or see a "smaller" us as we hide our sexual being in the hopes we are valued for our other assets?

I realized after 36 hours of voices telling me I blew it and managing the fears that I'll never hear from him again, one big thing was missing for me.  While I set some boundaries to ensure I didn't go to my default, and that worked on some level, they were a technical solution to an adaptive struggle (I need to challenge my thinking to change my actions) in my own beliefs. Setting the boundaries didn't change the fact that I wanted to focus on sex, it just stopped me from acting on it.  What was missing was that there was no partnership in this balance of being unapologetic about my true sexuality, staying in the space of intimacy and being valued as a whole.  I didn't invite him into that, I just asked him to honor some boundaries I created.  Here's the lesson:  In finding partnership, even in new relationships that seem too early to be vulnerable, I can invite someone into the complex balancing act of being loved and wanted for all of me, including my already existing strengths and the places I'm growing.  When I don't do that, instead of working the pendulum that is the instrument of balance, I send mixed messages, and that's unfair.  I won't get this balance right this week, nor will I get it right any time soon.  What I can get right is being excited about this place I'm working towards, being as excited and unapologetic about it as I've become about many other things, and to invite a partner to support me in finding that balance.  I'm certain, as with all things, I cannot do anything alone.  Every time I find myself in unresolved struggle, that's usually where I am.

So, here's to the young woman's quest for freedom and doing that in partnership (with me and others) to help her defeat the default that's got her making the choices she's making now.  Here's to courage in asking (from this new man I've met and others in the future) for partnership in my journey to balance loving the whole me while un-brainwashing myself of misogynistic beliefs that have me believing sex as a currency is valued more than the discovery of my greatest self in the most intimate of moments.  Here's to unapologetically loving myself in the quest for balance, learning, truth and living the belief that I'm perfect, exactly the way I am and exactly the way I'm not. Finally, here's to having compassion for myself when I see the ways in which I'm not (usually seen in critiquing others' struggles), the strength to stretch and grow and inviting loved ones around me to embrace all of me wherever I am on this journey.

Wrapping up 2011 and entering 2012

Wow....what a year.  I am so grateful to my community and to the lessons I've learned that have got me here.  I feel more in love with my life and the possibilities ahead than I've ever thought possible.
My heart is soaring.....I'm open to dating in a way I've never been before, connected to amazing friends and family who hold me, challenge me and support me in ways I've never let anyone do before and I'm daily connecting with people without fear or hesitation.  It's not easy, but I see progress in myself and I see us all as one like I never have.
My mind is sore.....like I've been stretching it and using it more to develop how I can continuously transform myself and the world.  I need to read more for sure, but I'm in action all the time and not too much.  I actually feel not just like every day, week, month is balanced with all the areas in my life I love...but that I'm FULFILLED in all the areas of my life that I'm seeking balance in.  Previously, I was trying to make sure I had balance of art, love, family, friends, passion, profession and health.  And I did that in 2010, but in 2011 I really started to make sure I was doing more than spending time on those things, but that I was feeling FULFILLED in all of these areas.  And, in my journey in each of them, I am. I really, really am for the first time in my life.  It's amazing.

My body....feels unreal.  I've deeply transformed and internalized that I love myself.  Unconditionally and infinitely.  And in doing a lot of thinking and practicing what my life would look like if I lived that, I've dramatically changed how I eat (no processed foods, lots of veggies and whole grains, very little meat and only meat from sustainable farms , carbs in the am and no food after 7-- but of course, everything in moderation, including moderation--I STILL LOVE FOOD and eat and taste and experiment!) and how I look at loving my body.  I stopped worrying about weighing a certain amount and started living like I love myself.  And, I chose to love however I look on the other end of that.  I've lost about 25lbs just living like I love my body.  No starving, no struggling...just eating what my body needs, cooking up a storm, walking the pups 3-5 days a week and relaxing.  I've got fewer body image issues now than I can ever remember having (even weighing 40lbs less than I do now) and I love how I look and feel.
I've also been sober for 6 months....and my mind is SO clear and helping me to really hear what I need, what I'm afraid of and how I can get in the way of myself.  Don't get it twisted....I'm really excited for a glass of wine on July 5th, but for now this is beautiful.

Finally, my spirit......I believe my spirit is all about my contribution to the world.  And, if I don't take care of myself and seek total fulfillment within, I can't do much for what's outside of me. I feel MORE in action to contribute to the world in all kinds of ways and better able to engage than I have...EVER!!
Not only is my work strong, my volunteerism joyful and impactful...but I've finally built a website for Education Is A Vital Sign and am attending funding meetings to launch this puppy and make a living transforming how the US values the profession of teaching!  Check it out (super basic, but it's a start and I did it on my own!) at www.educationisavitalsign.org.
I also applied for my first fellowship at Echoing Green and plan to do more!

So, yeah....2012, you're not ready.  I was just warming up!  Here's to an amazing year of total fulfillment, balance and transformation.  Anything's possible if you believe it to be true.
I love you!
Maureen

5 Months and Counting!

I'M SO AMAZED at the power of positive thinking and how EMPOWERING it is to know what beliefs I have that get in the way of my being completely fulfilled (HINT:  It really isn't about taking different steps, it's about examining the thinking at the root of the action or inaction I've been in that isn't getting me what I want!) It's been about 5 months sober now and I feel like listening to the voices in my head has become a well toned muscle.  Doing this for 5 months being totally clear headed has been unbelievably healthy.  It's actually not hard at all, I'm still having fun, loving life and engaging in normal struggles.  Not much different, except that I choose not to escape, which RAPIDLY accelerates my learning.
After 5 months of practice, I can quickly see how lack of belief in myself manifests into procrastination, exhaustion and need to be isolated.  I can also see how judgment of myself starts a cycle of blame and shame when I do those things that actually make it worse!  So, now when I see those symptoms of insecurity I take care of myself and talk OUT LOUD with someone who I have identified as a trusted member of my community to talk through what's happening so I can get in action and interrupt it.  Letting other people take care of me has been simply life altering.  Thank you so much to all my friends and family who have listened to me.  I love you.

I can see connections to people all around me!  Believing that I am good enough and that there are amazing people around me to connect with has EXPONENTIALLY increased the amount of connections I've had (romantic, professional and just in normal human interaction in the world) with new people and has deepened my relationships with loved ones.  Believing RELENTLESSLY that the world can change, that our awareness can deepen, that we each are more powerful than we can possibly fathom has really helped me to engage in conversations I never thought I would have, try out new and exciting things and have me shape a life for myself that feels more balanced and fulfilling that it EVER has in my entire life. Calling that blessed sells it short.  I'm blessed with my own desire to transform and create a life that I love.  I'm blessed with amazing people around me who are willing to be with me on this journey.  I'm blessed with a community and world who also believes in the power of transformation and love. All that intersects together because we believe in possibility.

I'm now in a place where I can move from intellectualizing my struggles into feeling them.  It's still pretty hard for me to go straight to feeling, so I've been using humor as kind of the "gateway" emotion.  When I catch myself interrupting being angry or sad with analyzing, I stop and laugh at myself.  I CAN laugh at myself....this is directly connected to practice of non judgment.  If I'm perfect, exactly the way that I am and exactly the way that I'm not, I can laugh at the crazy voices that are conspiring to keep me less fulfilled.  I can also get that these voices are not TRUTH....they are just a manifestation of the beliefs I've identified as ones that don't serve my total fulfillment in the world.

Beliefs are not set in stone.....yet they are SO powerful, that sometimes we think they are more powerful than us.  However, as they are a part of us....our experiences, our environment, our past...  THEY ARE NOT bigger than us.  Believing that at any given moment in time I always have a choice, helps me to be empowered and shape my beliefs.  When I feel stuck, I now know that there are beliefs there driving why I am stuck that I can examine, learn more about and change...thus, changing my actions.  Nothing is impossible, the world is what it is and we are exceptional human beings in this world.  Change starts with me... and it NEVER starts with resignation with circumstances, NEVER with beliefs grounded in insecurity, NEVER that I am alone.

I'm so grateful for this year....a year that has been a journey of love, clarity and commitment to making each moment better and more fulfilling.  I've got (I believe and hope) many more years left on this planet and I've only just begun!  What else is there for me?

4 months into sobriety....
It's easy now and I'm laughing today at how fun and silly it is to engage the "crazy" (*Crazy= the voices in my head that work really hard to keep me miserable and stagnant) every day.  About a month ago, I had a HUGE epiphany that has led to a series of bizarre and wonderful occurrences.  All because I'm taking time to listen to the "crazy", laugh at it and then be on my way without letting my default voices (some of which I've not listened to nor been aware of for years) guide my journey.  They are simply passengers I acknowledge, but not let steer the plane.

In September, my friend Lynne and I went to the club.  I realized when I walked in that I was panicked because I was going to have to learn how to be in the club SOBER.  I took a deep breath and started to realize I wanted to go to sleep, so I started pounding energy drinks so I wouldn't have an excuse to not engage.  We had a great time, but I started to notice that I have anxiety about being approached by strange men.  A few asked me to dance, and I immediately shot them down.  One, sweet as he was, said "why not?"  and I replied I wasn't ready yet.  He promptly locked it down by saying, "Cool, I'll come back in 15 minutes" and I nodded.  Damn!

So, when he came back, I danced with him a little and when he asked me for my number I gave it to him.  The entire time I was anxious and really fighting to not be agitated.  When I asked myself why that was happening, I realized that deep down I was holding on to a belief that men who are strangers are complete pieces of shit.  Now, this is a great example of some default belief I created as either a kid or young adult that I CHOOSE to not want to believe.  It didn't pan out with him (quick detour, his game was whack...he pulled some "you'll see a missed call and that's me."  WTF am I supposed to do with that?  Call some missed number?  I don't think so...moving on.)

Once I realized that I actually had to work on choosing to believe that strange men could be amazing and sweet, then I actually had to start practicing believing that...especially when I noticed myself believing otherwise.  That started the Monday after the club epiphany (I love saying that) when I had a date set up with a guy I met on OK Cupid.  As I was getting ready, I realized I was preparing myself for a disaster and already planning on what I'd do once I got rid of him.  HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!!  Before I'd met him, I was already clear that I'd be better after I did the obligatory first date so I could write him off.  No wonder I never meet anyone in the bay....I never give them a chance!
So, I literally started practicing the new belief...this could be a great date, he could be a great guy, we'd hit it off, etc.  Of course, I show up for the date and he's WAY cuter than his picture...and he's leaning against a pole on the corner reading Invisible Man, by Ellison.  C'mon son.

Anyways, we go in for a drink and it turns out he's also a non drinker, which made my not drinking easy to negotiate.  I then proceed to find out the following things about this dude:
Pediatrician at Children's Hospital (the local public hospital for kids, duh)
Took a year off from his residency to get a Master's in Public Policy....so he could actually have time to READ which he missed while he was in medical school!
SUPER sweet, chivalrous and fun.
A soccer player, and really in shape and sexy.
He's great natured, up front, candid and PATIENT
He loves to be busy with the many cultural things offered in the bay
He's into open relationships, and REALLY into being honest and discussing what's up.

The list goes on and on...so, here I am thanking the universe for bringing me a smart, sexy, fun and sweet STRANGER so that I can begin to find evidence that supports my newly chosen belief that they can be amazing and NOT pieces of shit (so that I could interrupt the old belief that was messing with my ability to have a local relationship) and for simply bringing about the possibility I'd been asking for.

We've been seeing each other for about a month now, and last night was really sweet and romantic.  Music, parking in the hills with a view of the bay, giggles, kisses, etc.  So, I ask him "you've got a lot on your plate (longer story) and I'm curious what it is your looking for?"  His response was "something not too serious right now...I don't have the energy for it with all that's going on" (family, work, personal stuff, etc.) and I totally get it.  He's basically looking for someone to be intimate with that he can spend time with and have fun.  I can dig it....

UNTIL THE CRAZY KICKED IN TODAY!!!
So, I'm realizing that he's great and all things point to us having a great connection.  And, I'm realizing that there are some differences between us that make me wonder just how serious I could actually get with him.  He's a little more reserved than me and I'm wondering how much he's actually be into some of the crazy shenanigans I find myself up to.  That's fine....I can dig a guy and have fun with him without it having to be hella heavy. The CRAZY kicked in when I started to look for a problem with his answer to my question last night.
He wants to hang out with me, and he wants to continue to have fun...but not seeking intense partnership right now.  He's being super honest and not trying to rush himself or me into anything.  And, what's my response?  I start to tell myself today that him not wanting to consider a serious relationship right now is a deal breaker.  WHY would I begin to think that?!!!
I'll tell you, three reasons.
1. Because I've always experienced tension and impossibility for the last 15 years in creating a relationship.  So, since I am used to that, when the tension goes away and it becomes easy...I have to make it hard.*Thanks, Naz for helping me see that today.
2. I'm looking for evidence to support my default belief that he must be a piece of shit, and give me an out to go back to isolation and loneliness.
3. His honesty triggered my insecurities about not being good enough...and ALTHOUGH I'm considering that he's not the person I'd want to settle down with, him not being ready to explore that makes me cringe like I'm not good enough and makes me want to run.

Ahhhh, sobriety and clarity.  You funny little experience.

What's the point to all of this?  The point is that the universe (and my hard work to have fulfillment in all areas of my life) are paying off.  I found an amazing guy to spend time with and am having unbelievable breakthroughs in this experience of sobriety and listening to the crazy so I can watch for it and interrupt it! Life is good and I'm SO grateful to my many friends (in person and on FB) who share love, support and inspiration with me every day.

I can't believe I'm only a third of the way in.....NOW, I've got to focus on Education as a Vital Sign and get some academic writing done.  More on that soon, folks.
Love and gratitude to all of you for listening,
Maureen

Rebuilding my relationship with anger

A long time ago I broke up with that fool, Anger.  He'd leave me tired and unsatisfied and with all kinds of shit to clean up. Getting with him was NOT one of my best relationships. Since then, I've been in a committed relationship with Patience who leaves me exhausted, but fulfilled and always wanting more.  However, the question still remains....."what happened (or didn't happen) with Anger that left me unwilling to keep him in the mix?"  I believe that Anger's mama is Fear....and so at the root of all that, if I'm to get at why my relationship with Anger doesn't work, I'm afraid that I need to confront that monster Fear. See that, Anger....I even put a yo mama joke in my therapy-writing. I can't stand you.

A few years ago, in the Landmark Forum (a life altering three day intensive psychological inquiry blended with Buddhist distinctions) where I was so overcome with anger and murderous rage that I couldn't speak or move,  I wanted to quit the class rather than continue to explore my anger.  I remember checking in with the teacher who reminded me that I was fine and asked me what would happen if I just sat with my anger.  I was afraid at the time that if I let my anger surface, that I'd be capable of horrible things. Like REALLY horrible things.  But, I was fine.  Nothing happened, except that it passed and I practiced acceptance.  Anger to me feels so different from the life I choose to live of love, peace, and community.  Nothing about being angry feels like I could maintain any of those things.  When I think of anger, I feel empty of love, filled with rage and fearful that I will alienate my community with my actions.

Why am I even thinking about all of this?   In the past 9 weeks (since I've been sober) I've been angry more frequently and harder than I remember in years...like 20 years.  Not every day or anything, but at a few people and circumstances where I've tapped out, gotten other people (police and bosses) involved and have found myself furious beyond belief. It made me start thinking....what if part of my desire to be inebriated is about avoiding being angry?  I am, after all, a happy partying person.....so maybe that's my method of avoiding this fear that I'll be a horrible person doing horrible things if I let my anger show up?

If part of this journey is to examine why I choose to not be sober, then I'm realizing avoiding anger is part of that.  And...if avoiding anger is a reason to be inebriated, then while I'm sober I suppose I have to re-establish a healthy relationship with anger.  Dang, I totally thought I was through with him.  :)

What I'm clear about today is that avoiding anger is also not a healthy relationship.  It's kind of like moving to another city when you want to start over....leaving behind people and places and memories DOESN'T actually help me heal in a way that transforms me. It just keeps them out of sight, but my issues ALWAYS show up no matter where I am. Avoiding being angry for fear of something I haven't even done yet (committing violence or saying some really hurtful and damaging things) is bringing my past with me into what I think is possible.  This limits me, my capability and my future to only being a product of my experiences.  There's no radical transformation in that, and it's not what I'm committed to in the world.

While I'm committed to a life of practicing non judgment in all that I do, that doesn't mean that I can't be angry.  So as I practice non judgment, as I practice engaging in transformative work (personal and in the world), I also need to honor that anger is just a valid emotion as any and that I don't have to cave into my fear that anger will lead to something horrible. I'm going to practice believing that when I'm angry I can be
*non judgmental
*compassionate
*patient
*peaceful
*grounded

In fact, there's a person I'm pretty angry with right now that I have to talk and work with.  I'll practice that this week, balancing honoring my anger at how I've been treated but being committed to the person I choose to be in the world.  For what it's worth, I apologize if you're one of the people I've been angry with and I haven't been honest about that. I know that dishonors our relationship and I'm committed to fully honoring all of the connections I have in the world.

All for now.
Love and go fuck yourself (just kidding),
Maureen

Thanking people for our privilege.

I'm reflecting this morning after an intense week at the 2011 National Poetry Slam where Sonya Renee and I had the honor of people's attendance in a workshop we ran called "Slam as a Safe Space?"- created in response to numerous conversations that have taken place in the slam community which have been painful, hard and unsatisfying for many.  One struggle in conversations with multiple perspectives on issues of race, gender, sexuality, etc. has been that people engage (or disengage) from a place of "right" and when that debate takes place and we stop listening (or believe the conversation has stopped being "productive"), often nothing changes, people feel less inclined to bother engaging and the issue being raised (the impact of racism, sexism, homophobia, etc.) continues.
Ultimately, we perpetuate pain rather than face discomfort and give up that there is a "right".

On one hand, I was AMAZED at the work people (over 100 in two days) did to simply consider that what we offered was not THE truth, rather a perspective to consider tools that can help to stay engaged, speak your truth, experience discomfort in a productive way and accept/expect non closure (* from Glenn Singleton's Courageous Conversations About Race protocol.)  I was in awe at how people who came to the workshop demonstrated the will to do what it takes to stay in the conversation and work collectively to dismantle the various oppressions that exist in the Slam Community.  The love we received, the constructive criticism we received and the commitment we heard from people to continue this work was gorgeous.  Attendees were inspiring and I'm grateful for the honor you bestowed on us to facilitate such a space.  I was left inspired to remain committed to provide whatever I can to this community, which is beautiful...exactly the way it is and exactly the way it isn't. I only hope to return a fraction of the joy, growth and strength you have given me.

On the other hand, I was disappointed that the workshop was attended mainly by people who have expressed being impacted by oppression in the slam community, and not by many who have been called out for perpetuating it.  I won't name the names of the people who were (according to our written feedback) missed by the group.  And I do acknowledge that there was one level of support to this work provided by creating a technical space in the program for this workshop. That is an important beginning. What was missing for me was the next level of support from those in positional and privilege based power to demonstrate the will to engage in (this rare and collective space) the PERSONAL adaptive hard work that each member of this community must do to interrupt and dismantle various oppressions as they come up. I've given the attendees a homework assignment to consider who was missing and how we can engage them.  I look forward to seeing what people do with that assignment.

In the spirit of showing that nothing is wrong with acknowledging our truths,  I shared at the end of the second day that I am a racist, a sexist, a homophobe, and more~  not because I choose this, but because I have been trained to be.  I also am an anti racist, anti sexist, anti homophobe because I believe in choosing to name that which I have been brainwashed to believe and examining how I perpetuate that which I strive to interrupt...even if I don't see it, even if it is painful to acknowledge and even if I have been on the receiving end of any form of oppression.

When I read the NPS threads over the course of the week and listened to people reflecting, I observed some people thanking others for the privilege of serving.  This made me reflect on how often we don't see that if we have the privilege to do, say or create something, it is not always an honor.  When what I am privileged to do causes others to feel silenced, unseen and hurt... this is not a privilege I can be grateful for.

*I can be grateful to the people who share how I hurt them for loving me enough to illuminate that which I do not see, particularly in their own pain and struggle of being impacted by what I have done.

*I can be grateful to the people who believe in my (and our) ability to interrupt oppression, dismantle it and eliminate it.

*I can be grateful that I choose to embrace the courage necessary to listen and act with the people who have been knocked down, pushed away and wounded by the exercising of privilege and be grateful for their undying strength, passion and dedication.  Not to mention they are some of the most courageous and strong people I've ever met.

*I can be grateful for love.  And people's truth.  And time on this earth to learn more about people's truth.  And for change.

I cannot be grateful for privilege, but I can be grateful for these things.  And I can hope that gratitude and love keep extending so more people stop being grateful for their privileges and start being grateful for the blessing of engaging in discomfort.

We are not wrong.  We are learning. We are different.  We are beautiful.  We are perfect, exactly the way we are and exactly the way we aren't.

That is how we know that we are change.  We are truth.  We are love.  We are one.

Remembering that I'm not late

....as I beat myself up for "taking too long" to get this done, not blogging more regularly and letting months go by without mapping out my goals for the year.
And, I'm not late.  I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and perfect in all the ways that I am and all the ways that I'm not.
Deep breath, and my life starts right this second.  So, here goes.

It has been about a month sober.  For the most part, it's been pretty easy and often funny. Easy, because I've not taken on sobriety from a place where I think anything is wrong.  This is just what I do now.  I'm not correcting anything from the past, I'm just noticing what it's like NOW, right this moment.  Funny, because my friends are super sweet and wanting to support me by not partaking in my presence.  :)  But, I am the first to whip up a delicious cocktail for my friends and I want people to be comfortable and do what they want.  My choice and journey has NOTHING to do with the lives and choices of my friends and peers.  In fact, I'm less likely to struggle with sobriety when I'm around my friends.  After all, a tonic with a splash of bitters does wonders for my life and so does my community!

What have I noticed in my sobriety? I continue to notice a pattern in when I'm tempted to indulge.  It usually is at the end of a day when I want to decompress or unwind and I don't have plans.  I believe it helps me to avoid confronting anxiety, sadness, being bored or lonely.  I have had a couple of situations recently that have made me really angry (that's a rare emotion in my world, mainly because I'm deeply afraid of being so angry I'll hurt someone) and I've joked about getting a few drinks to blow off steam.  But, I believe real anger is rooted in fear and avoiding fear seems like avoiding all of the other emotions above.  I'm certain this journey will illuminate much more for me, but the truth so far in my experience has been that I do not want to party socially (that's just fine sober), it's avoiding my emotions.  And, what I need to do is be with my friends and not perpetuate avoiding my feelings and thoughts, rather engage them in partnership with my loved ones.
One distinction I practice regularly is that "Nothing is wrong." That doesn't mean there aren't plenty of areas that aren't working, but this distinction helps me approach them from a place of non judgment.  I asked myself recently, if nothing is wrong then what do I need to escape from?  I started to examine this and I found that when I start from "Something's wrong" I try to escape relationships that are mutually fulfilling, personal exploration, intimacy, my body, learning and being accountable to that learning.  I then asked myself, what is "wrong" at the root of that?  Deep down, I struggle with fear of my thoughts (like this blog and taking the space to reflect) and fear of what others will see in me~ and deep, deep down, these are rooted in my deepest fear.  The fear that I'm not good enough.  Not good enough to live up to my ideas, my community and what the world (or I) need.
Sadly, I believe these voices or beliefs are common in all of us....in fact, I suspect (based on the thousands of people who have told me they suffer a similar torture) that the belief in one not being good enough is part of who we are as humans today.  I don't believe this is human nature, but I DO believe that when people engage in transformation (either in themselves or in the world) that this belief pops us and is often what stops us, or at the very least makes the journey much more difficult.

I'm about to go map out areas of my life that I want to set intentions around. I'd like to set them in 4 areas: My mind/study, my heart/love and being loved, my soul/service, and my body/health.  At the setting of these intentions, I must be clear that I will be facing the belief that I'm not good enough. I must literally practice believing that I am, so I can think big and not be (as much as possible) limited in what I believe I can do and be from this belief.  I also know, again, that I cannot do this alone.  For each intention, I will create a community to engage in and people I want to help support me/hold me accountable.   I'm grateful that so far this journey of sobriety has reinforced my need to interrupt my habit of turning inward when challenged by life.  Turning this around will be one of my intentions and one that is incredibly confronting for me.

I'll also publish these intentions, and will make space for sisters in my circle to practice the same exercises as I believe we must share our learnings with each other to overcome struggle and transform ourselves in order to transform the world.  So, more soon.

Finally, my sweet sisterfriend, Denise, asked me last night about my experience at Harbin (HAI courses are AMAZING) and I realized that again, I had turned inward to avoid the fear of engaging with community.  She asked some amazing questions like, "Are you finding that the lessons from there are continuing to serve you?" and "What is love to you?" and I went straight to a place of intellectual and tried to answer them.  I didn't go to a place of letting my emotions engage those powerful questions.  In doing that, I realized that I had met some amazing people, had some incredible connections and haven't reached out to engage in the continued lessons after the weekend OR reflected in partnership with people I love to explore what love is to me/us.  I just was floating from an incredible experience and have coasted on those fumes for a few weeks, mainly in isolation.  Don't get me wrong, I'm around people ALL the time.  Trust.  But, being with them and creating space where we care for each other is not what I'm doing as habit or with hard work on my end to open up that invitation.  That's about to change today.

Off to get my life right.  Love to all of you.
Maureen