Overpacking my schedule

Good morning kittens,
Wow, what a crazy journey I've been on the last week....
Aside from listening to the voices in my head as I take on this sobriety challenge, I also did an intensive two day retreat at Harbin hot springs on Love, Intimacy and Sexuality.
I got home from that Sunday night, jumped into work Monday am and now find myself in Stockton for another intensive 4 days of working with juniors at College Summit (hooray, working with kids!  Boo, not taking time to reflect and take care of myself!) and then will have one more work week before I have a couple of days of rest, recovery and reflection.
One of the pieces of feedback I've gotten from people before is that it always seems like I have so much on my plate, which can be inspiring to some and to others overwhelming (like I take on too much) and in my mind I've realized that I keep "learning" how much I need personal time to do the 3 R's after I book an intensive anything (work travel, personal courses, vacation with family/friends, etc.) and I find myself wondering this morning why I rarely apply that lesson.

One of the most amazing take aways I got from this weekend was how often I have acted out of obligation (in intimacy, relationships, profession, etc.) at the expense of my self care.  I promise I'll write more on that later (once I have some 3R time! LOL), but I just noticed that part of totally being at choice in the world, every minute of every day, means I have to choose me in order to authentically choose freely, not out of obligation.

So, I'm off to shower in the dorms here (ha!) and head out to work with the youngsters.  I'm so grateful for clarity, the abundance of love in humanity and for each day of this journey I get to live.
Love, and thank you for listening....
Maureen

Day three into four

Day 3 was cool.....long work day, then in the evening I found myself wanting to get a glass of wine with friends.  When I reminded myself that that wasn't an option, I took a second to see what I was feeling and experiencing that made me want to go do that.  It was loneliness.  Not overwhelming loneliness, but it was there....so, I noted that and promised myself I'd cop to it today in the blog.
I still sought out hanging with friends to get a bite to eat, but that didn't work itself out so I came home, ate dinner and had a great convo with a great friend for a while.
Went to bed early and was up again on my own by 6 am.  I did wake up with a little bit of a headache which is a pain in the ass, but I wonder if it's because I indulged in fried chicken which I never eat, and rarely eat chicken period these days.  I did notice that when I said no in my head to the alcohol, that I did want to get comfort food instead.  Nothing wrong with that, but I'm noticing it for sure.....
Still paying attention to the voices and choices...have a great day!

Day 2 into 3

Good morning!  I woke up on my own, wide awake and ready to take on the day at 5.30 am (ten minutes before my abnormally early alarm was scheduled for a boot camp class) and realized I had made the critical mistake of sleeping on my stomach.  Now, no matter how great my new bed is (and it really is great), sleeping on my stomach is the KISS OF DEATH for my lower back.  Blah, blah, blah....I used that as an excuse to skip boot camp class.  *I made up a ton of other reasons too (car in shop, taking the truck is too much gas, I'll be too sore for this 3 day class I'm taking this weekend, etc.) and it was really interesting to watch how so much of me was ready and prepared to focus more on my health but I found several good reasons (I'm really good at creating ones that give me permission to not work out) to NOT honor my commitment to my body.

I'm of the belief that my insecurities (I'm not good enough) are often at the root of my getting in the way of myself.  I try the mantra "I am good enough" to move me when I want to play lazy, or find reasons to dodge what I know is good for me.  This am, that didn't work to help me overcome the back pain that stopped me from boot camp, but it DID help me to not go back to sleep, get up, stretch, blog and plan to at least go on a hike by 7 am.  

Yesterday, I noticed that I did lots of great things for myself with ease.  I walked with my friend Denise, had a really productive work day, drank LOTS of water (and if you know me that's CRAZY), didn't eat after 7 (although I really, really wanted to) and went to sleep in silence (usually, I have to have a show on the laptop to sleep.)  These are baby steps for me....and I'm really proud of myself for sticking to being good enough to live a healthy and fulfilling life.  I don't know if sobriety has me more easily being able to make better choices, or if I'm able to recognize self destructive behavior and interrupt it OR if I'm just having a good week.  Either way, day 2 was a great day.  I was able to focus on my mind, body, heart and spirit.  Balance is lovely.

Sobriety

Well, I've taken some time to reflect and reground after the last time you heard from me.  I'm planning a pretty big year...looking to get published in some journals or maybe even write a book!  I'm also looking to work in the policy field to learn more about how a movement becomes law. All that this year (July 2011-July 2012) before I reapply to Harvard's Ed.L.D. program next year.  So...as I shared this, a dear friend suggested I consider doing that sober.  Not to say there's a problem or anything (although people know I like to party), but she suggested I consider that what I'm up to is like training for the Olympics and how I might treat my body and mind.
For whatever reason, this really resonated with me.....so, as of July 5th I've taken on the personal challenge of ONE YEAR SOBER (at least).
I'm doing this not only for the physical and mental clarity as I take on bigger things in my professional life, but I'm also taking on balance in all areas:
My commitment to the profession is my mind
My relationships are my heart
My physical health is my body
My overall well being is my spirit.
So, if I create this compass if you will, with these quadrants, to navigate balance, fulfillment and success~I have a lot to work on.
I'll post more later as I engage in these areas and how being sober is allowing me to notice when the voices in my head want me to run...but for now, I'll just say that I had a first date last night and it was interesting watching how my nervous energy manifested.  I appreciated clarity and I appreciated watching how my insecurities became negative and wanted me to close off. And, I didn't.
Here's to day 2!
Cheers,
Maureen

The power (and importance) of rest, recovery and reflection

In the past two weeks I've remembered that when I overcram my calendar, start to have back pains, drink a couple of glasses of wine EVERY night to sleep and stop exercising~all while under the impression that I'm not stressed, everything's fine and I've got it all handled~ I'm full of shit. And, I can act like that for a few months (which I did between December and February.)

REST and RECOVERY- Firstly, having my dear friends Sonya and Denise live with me for the past three months has helped me snap out of that phase (temporarily) because I took daily time to chat about what I was stressed about AND could see elements of my own stress in what they were dealing with, so I had space to reflect and laugh.  But, as soon as they left recently, I immediately went back into the same pattern as before...and I felt sad, depressed and isolated (but crazy busy!) I love it when that happens....being isolated while completely slammed. It's my own trick to prolong my suffering and fool me into thinking I'm not acting alone. But I am...I'm completely conspiring against myself in the search to feel good enough, and not "need" others.  I hate it when that sneaks up on me.

Secondly, for the first time in 8 years my back went out last weekend.  And for the life of me, I couldn't figure out how I had hurt it.  My great friend and colleague Glenn, challenged me to consider that something was stressing me out and that my body was trying to force me to rest.  I went down the list of things I'm dealing with (all from an "I'M NOT STRESSED AT ALL, HE'S CRAZY" lens): Moving our company office into a new location, launching the registration website and new logo for our huge Summit in the fall, managing three partners and internal company folks to succeed on that deadline, selling my house, ramping up for the biggest year of my life and taking on having a series of important conversations with someone I've been dating on and off for over 5 years....and all of that while the normal work day and life's stuff continued at the same pace.  It was good to laugh about how ridiculous that was, and to take the time to recover from that over the weekend (albeit in several hour chunks and early bed times, not a concentrated few days off.)

REFLECTION- For me, trying to keep busy, organized and act like I have it all together is a sign that I'm overwhelmed and in need of help.  What I know now (again and again) is when I see those signs, it's time to rest, recover and reflect - but that reflection piece cannot be done alone, it must be done with my communities AND while resting and recovering.

Yesterday, I woke up and realized that while I have a fortunate life and ability to be creative and flexible with my schedule, I hadn't taken time away from work for more than 2-3 days around a weekend since November.  And, usually I don't take the weekend to check in on work things.  So, while I reflect all the time, I don't do that with rest and relaxation happening.
And, while I take chunks of time to rest and recover (due to the fact that I have a pattern of driving myself to the brink of exhaustion), I don't do that to reflect or strategically build it into my lovely color coded calendar.  I should anticipate that I will need extended time off to do all three-rest, recover and reflect.

So, I'm out on Friday.  Off to spend time with family and friends at an undisclosed location. I will rest, recover and reflect with others to come back renewed and ready to launch an INCREDIBLE year!
All love, and more soon....
Maureen

Crippling guilt OR Confessions of a Racist Anti-Racist.

I've been on a kick the last two years exploring the complexity of engaging the world from a place of non judgment.  Now, that's completely counter-intuitive to my experience of the catholic layers of my upbringing AND very different from how I experience a framework for conflict (aka transformation, change or reform) in the majority of my lived experiences from early childhood until now.  That being said, because it feels hard and right, I'm into trying it.  (*Do not insert a "that's what she said" joke here. Or do, but you don't get to judge me for putting it in your head!  This is a blog about non judgment- pbbbt.)

There are many places in my life that this practice is relevant and trying.  And, if I'm being honest, of the many places I've tried this most, I've practiced it in my profession as an educator focused on equity in education.  And...where I've tried it least is in my relationships.  So, I'm MUCH better at it in my job than I am with my friends, loved ones and family.  And, still I try.  

Since most of my experience is in the realm of my work focused on racial equity, where I've been really digging deeply is in the impact of guilt in my white racial identity development and in my willingness to engage in any kind of transformation.  I remember a time a few years ago where I was completely dumbfounded at the honesty of my thoughts when I was open to hearing (not denying) what crossed my mind. I was in the first day of Beyond Diversity (the second time I took it, almost 6 years after taking it the first time) as the principal of a small school with a mostly white faculty and desperately interested in learning how to better engage us all in Courageous Conversations about Race (as the curriculum teaches us) so that we could better serve our 99% students of color.  At some point in the day, Glenn (who was leading the course for us) talked about the importance of focusing on Black Boys in our work, as they were the most underserved.  I had a visceral, fully physical, emotional and mental response.  A response that I almost ignored AND once I took a second listen to, paralyzed me with shock and fear. I said to myself in my head (in a "duh" kind of tone) "That's because they are the lowest common denominator." And I froze.  Who said that?!  Where the fuck did that come from?   My heart began to experience nausea and the horror I felt permeated every place I had nerves with numbness.  I don't remember what happened after that, but on a break Glenn asked me if I could take leadership in the next activity, and I remember saying something to the effect that I was freaking out about some thoughts that just came through my head and couldn't handle that.  *Note, disengagement.

We got through the day and life went on.  But the realization that those voices were in my head, those thoughts about black boys a framing, yet subtle and immediate response and the fact that this thought had almost stealthily passed by me as I engaged in work to dismantle that which is the cause for racial disparities made me question my own ability and authenticity as an "anti-racist" educator.  Confronting that thought began a painful chapter in my journey on several levels.  Firstly, I questioned whether I should be doing this and I considered quitting.  Secondly, the thought of not quitting made me want to focus on all the other elements of systemic racism that were not me because 

a. there are many 

b. they are not me

Looking at me was too painful, and I could barely stomach the courage to get back in the game, let alone be vulnerable with others and engage community in helping me to deconstruct and dismantle MY racist thoughts and actions.

*Note, when I say racist I refer to one who operates in normalized whiteness (which forces those that operate in non whiteness to assimilate or be rejected) and/or with a white supremacist lens.

I realized there's a layer (not an end) to white racial identity development that is grounded in consciousness....and I can see how easy it is to be stuck in a place of identifying as "conscious" to racism in America and even "committed" to interrupting it by participating in many of the systems that perpetuate it.  Why? Well, there's a lot to focus on and it's way more fun to dismantle anyone or anything that's not me.  PLUS, I get tons of credit (by community members, friends, parents, students, other teachers) for being conscious and it's easy to get a bunch of other conscious people focused on those that aren't conscious as a way of deflecting the painful dismantling of the self. I became more dangerous than those actions/policies/educators that were blatantly racist.  Being stuck in the state of "conscious" without digging into my own responsibility for where I contributed to normalizing whiteness and perpetuating systemic racism made me covert.  MORE dangerous than conspicuous people or acts, I must own how I slowed down progress in this work and that I am responsible for incremental change around me, but very little within me.

I had been stuck in a place of consciousness, commitment and engaged in reforming the system that I held accountable for a long time.  That voice who had been trained to operate from a belief system founded in racism had been there, through all of my 10 years in Oakland...but I hadn't listened for it, because I had my surround sound consciousness headphones on.  I was so wrong.  I finally got that transformation of the system had to begin in my personal transformation.  In every place I engaged, I had to do so from a place of owning my own normalized perpetuation of this system so that I could interrupt me, then not me.  It doesn't work the other way around.

*And, by the way,  I'm a fan of infiltrating the system to reform it.  That theory of action is very different from many of my friends and colleagues, but it's one I believe deeply in.

Great. So now what?  I confronted ONE real thought (not even my own policies, actions and my many other beliefs) from a place of being stuck in the consciousness stage of my development and I was CRIPPLED with guilt, shame, fear.  Some of you might say, "Oh well. Suck it up, I'm uncomfortable every day." And, yes.  Part of really engaging is sucking it up.  But, the other part of it was more than just mustering up the strength and courage to get back in it and call my own self out (and create space for others to do so effectively). It's also asking "how can I do that when I'm frozen, numb, petrified at what I might discover about me?"  

When I tell you, in the many instances that I've confronted my own racism, how CRIPPLING it is to be honest about my own responsibility in what I claim to abhor is, I want you to hear it. Crippling-- where telling me to just get the fuck up out of the wheel chair and walk down the block is stupid kind of crippling.  I react in many different ways to feeling crippled, too.  I can freeze and check out.  I can get loud, because I think you're talking down to me...so I get loud to overcompensate for my insecurity hoping my volume will distract us from the content.  I can get defensive, because I feel small...so I need to attack or be attacked. I can be sad, and cry....which can get all of you to focus on taking care of me, and (again) distract from the issue.  I can go to a topic I know well, because its a strong suit of mine....so I can get us back to a topic that feels safe for me.  Doing all of those things means I get to not walk the walk, so I stay crippled without getting at the root of what's paralyzing me. And, it means that black boys in America continue to die, go to prison and be underserved by our educational system in ways that we should be ashamed of ourselves. Except here's the thing...if it's the being ashamed of myself that is the cause of my paralysis (*read: my lack of deeply engaging in dismantling racism), then how can I engage in interrupting myself, then the system from a place of not feeling ashamed?

So...the work of practicing non judgment began a few years ago, and its been received in a WIDE variety of ways.  It starts with a simple mantra - "Nothing's wrong."  Most people freak out when I share that.  We've operated for so long in judgment, that to consider (just consider!) this statement as a way to deepen our exploration of what's occurring is absurd and has been cause for many arguments with my colleagues, friends, family.

This is quickly followed by the second sentence to the mantra, "And, we have to look at what's working and not working." So, in a minute I have some questions for you...but first, let me share that this mantra is not a truth.  It's a tool to help us engage in a powerful, personal way that I believe will be the root of rapid transformation.  It's a way to move guilt out of the way and engage in the dismantling.  

To be honest, I feel conflicted about this on some levels.  On one hand, naming that I am a participant in a system that has CLEARLY been responsible for such racial disparities in achievement and opportunity makes me sick.  I've been to way too many funerals, cried over too many kids that we weren't able to keep engaged in school and written letters to too many judges overseeing children's cases where their lives are about to follow the path the system has laid out for them to easily accept my role in being part of the cause.  And, believe this....practicing non judgment does not mean I REST EASY WITH THAT. The problem is (while I never forget these children) when I feel sick about it  I go to the place of feeling powerless, inadequate and crippled.  I'm no good to the cause then...so how can I engage?  
The other thing to remember is that I've been trained to think using a racist lens my whole life, by media, society, and lived experience.  I MUST spend the rest of my life re-training myself and being on the watch for when systemic racism comes through me.  That realization makes me believe that the only thing I should feel responsible for is engaging in that, not disengaging it in by letting guilt overtake me. In fact, the way I see it, the only deplorable action is NON action.  (*There's tons of quotes about this, so not trying to take credit for this concept.)

But, even that statement had judgment...so if I see me/you NOT acting, and I believe that to be deplorable, how can I engage me/you effectively in interrupting that?  So, I rephrase that...the only ineffective action is non action.  See how it works? One way to look at is is as if nothing's wrong with non action, it just doesn't work. Now, people are (perhaps) better able to talk about the root of the inaction and break that apart.  I'm much more willing and able to do that when I'm not feeling judged (which by the way, if I'm really being honest, YOU could not possibly judge me more than me.)

With that...here are my guiding questions.  What comes up for you as you read this?  What experiences can you reflect on that connect to the guiding questions?  What do you love/hate/agree/disagree with about what I've shared?  What questions do you have? 

Thanks for listening....all love, 

Maureen

*These questions were written by me as I went into a course to deepen our exploration of whiteness as a normalized way of being, but I invite you to try them on for you (all people, regardless of skin color) and see what comes up.

1. How can I deepen my commitment to practice engaging in racial equity work from a place of non judgment WITHOUT reducing accountability in myself and in others?

2. How can I NOT fall into slowing my development or absolving myself of the need to deepen my interruption of my own whiteness when I'm perceived by some as somewhat of an "expert"? *note, I feel COMPLETELY weird saying and writing that AND I kind of do this for a living, so that's what my experience is- not the truth.

3. Where is the presence and role of whiteness in my practicing non judgment?

I got what I asked for.....damn, intentions are powerful.

Well, 
As many of you know it has been a long, crazy process for me to apply to Harvard's new program to get a doctorate in Educational Leadership.  Putting aside the rigor of the application (essays, compiling letters, resume, the GRE, etc.), what I really learned was how important AND difficult it is to engage community in ANY kind of transformation. I don't just mean transformation in our neighborhoods or our country where including community seems obvious.    I mean PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION.  None of us can do it alone, even though sometimes it feels easier or like it's the only way.  I took on being good enough this year.  And, I needed all of you to help me with that.


In my head I am always fighting with all kinds of voices that tell me I'm not good enough, smart enough, or capable enough.  I hate those voices, but often they drive me to prove them wrong (always the rebellious teenager!) and they were on full blast from June through December 2010 while I went through this process.  I knew that I had to say out loud what I was up to in order to have other voices outside of my head cheer me on. So, I talked about this publicly and engaged people to be on my "team Harvard."  You, my community, were amazing....you cheered me on, checked to make sure I was handling my business, helped me think about concepts for my application, and physically helped me edit (about 18 of you!) those damn essays!  For that, I'm forever grateful. What you did mostly, that I cannot ever sufficiently express my appreciation for, is that you listened to me and stood by me as I created the possibility of something transformative for myself and for our country.  Your listening to my creation of a HUGE possibility was so powerful.  Saying it to you made it real.  Your listening created a belief that it was not only possible, but probable.  What I know is true, is that without my community hearing me, believing in me and holding me to something extraordinary, is that I would not have accomplished what I set out to accomplish.  
I know this because throughout this process I was afraid, insecure, unsure and wanted to quit more times than I can count.  Had I not shared what I was up to and had you not listened to me with love and faith, I would have. The voices in my head would have won...and, thankfully, your voices were louder and more consistent.  


I was shocked and overwhelmed when I was invited to interview for this program.  Out of well over a thousand applications (maybe 2, 000), they chose 53 to interview. I booked the plane ticket and told my friends and family.  Your love was amazing.....getting to that level has been one of the most unreal experiences of my life.  I thought, "wow, maybe I am good enough"...but that was temporary.
Something happened in me.  If I'm being honest, I stopped engaging community.  I mean, I told people what was happening...but several people offered to help me think about what to say, practice, etc.  and I kept telling people that I didn't want to over think it, that there wasn't anything I could do to prepare but just practice being grounded (which I did by myself in my head) and just be me. Once I started acting on that, my anxiety grew and grew over the next couple of weeks.  I went from believing in myself (that I had the interview handled) to compromising all of the work from the past 8 months by NOT engaging my community in helping me to believe in myself, prepare for the interview and remember what I'm committed to in my personal transformation and in the transformation I want to take on in education in the United States.


The days leading up to the interview were some of the most painful and anxiety filled I've had in years. I spoke to a few people before I left, but I was just expressing anxiety and how I'd address it.  I wasn't open to having my community BE with me. I thought "if Harvard is going to take me, they're going to take me as I am...great and imperfect", and what I did was use that as an excuse to honor those voices that told me I wasn't good enough.  Now, I know there's a balance of being real and authentic with playing the game.  And, I could fool a lot of you into thinking that I played that game.  Real talk, I didn't.   Had I really believed I was good enough going into that interview, I would have nailed it.  
I won't share the details of the interview, but I'll simply say that I wasn't my best.  I was great and all....I mean, c'mon.  :)  But, it wasn't solid.  I didn't blow anyone away.  And afterwards, I started critiquing the interview process....and I was angry at some things and one person.  I started making excuses for how flawed their process was and grasped on to hope that I'd skated through.  Then, I was nauseous for 8 days straight.  I couldn't sleep, I was furious at myself, at them and suddenly it MATTERED if I got in or not.  As if that would tell me that I'm good enough. Yesterday I found out I didn't get in.  And, you know how I felt?  Relieved. Seriously, it validated all the voices and gave me a moment to go to where I'm comfortable.  I don't feel bad about it and I do feel accomplished.  And, I'm going to try again.  But, relief?  Weird, right?


And, then I remembered last June one morning with my girl Denise Jolly on my porch. We set intentions for the year and the one I said was "I want to turn in an application that's competitive.  I want it to be good enough to get me the interview." Well, I got what I asked for. I got as far as I set the intention to get me and I stopped.  What was flawed about that intention? I didn't start from a place that honored what I'm capable of in what I want to do in education.  I started from a place of deficiency as if the competitive application was the victory.  It wasn't.  And...DAMN.  I got EXACTLY WHAT I ASKED FOR. Shit, that was almost easy now that I think about it.  What stopped me was myself.  


So.....now what?  
Well, given that I believe in being loud and proud in my community about what I'm up to and my struggles, I start by sharing this experience. Then, I create a new possibility that I ask you all to stand with me in.


What I'm up to in the world is engaging the country in a conversation (and ultimately policy change) that has the US compensate and prepare our teachers like we do doctors.  I want us to honor the profession of teaching and its complexities in a way we never have because our country, teachers and kids deserve it.  We have a lot of work to do so that we have the BEST TEACHERS IN THE WORLD to serve our amazing students.  All of them, equitably. Now, that doesn't mean we don't have some of the best PEOPLE in the world in classrooms...I'm just saying that what we pay teachers and the level of training and development we get is WAY below par and it sends a message to our teachers and kids that they aren't good enough.  We are, they are and if we believe that we must send the most extraordinary, developed teachers into classrooms and keep supporting them to be their ABSOLUTE best by paying them one of the highest salaries, offering continued development and giving them the resources they need to make every class the most powerful learning experience of a child's life.  That's a lot of work.  


So, how does Harvard fit in?  Well, its ONE way for me to learn more about education, economics and policy development (this particular program is a joint program between those three graduate schools) so that I can figure out how to best engage the country in this shift.  
Harvard is also NOT the only way to do that....so, what I'm up to now is applying again.  BUT, I'm also going to take the lessons I got from this gift of the application process and interview (they gave me GREAT info on areas to focus on) and create a huge action plan where I can learn more, get more experience in and engage with more community around this concept.  This means improving my writing, expanding my learning in this area, AND CONTINUING TO KEEP MY COMMUNITY ENGAGED IN MY PERSONAL STRUGGLE WITH TRANSFORMATION.  
I'm asking you to hold me to account.  How's my learning going? What have I written lately? How's the application going?  What personal struggles have I been faced with and what am I doing about that?  How can you help (and don't let me let you off the hook!)?What new lessons can I share?  What new experiences have I taken on?
I'm asking you to consider where you have sold yourself short and share with me...BUT MAKE ME SHARE RIGHT BACK WITH YOU, or else I'll focus on you and that's also easy for me. :)


I'm a firm believer in the concept "you don't always get what you want, but you get what you need."
Well, in this case I got both.  I realize how powerful intentions are and how careful I have to be in creating them without selling myself short.
And, I needed this....what a gift this lesson has been.  What a gift you are.  
Today, I'm the luckiest person I know.  
All love, all the time.  

Well, welcome.
I'm not ready to say much yet...but a lot has been floating around in my head.  More soon....but, I will say why I chose to put the "Adult content" warning on upon sign in. Not that I plan on publishing my crazy sexual escapades here (smile), but be ready for anything.  I know my thoughts AND I know people's responses to them.  Consider it fair warning.
Love,
Maureen