I'm reflecting this morning after an intense week at the 2011 National Poetry Slam where Sonya Renee and I had the honor of people's attendance in a workshop we ran called "Slam as a Safe Space?"- created in response to numerous conversations that have taken place in the slam community which have been painful, hard and unsatisfying for many. One struggle in conversations with multiple perspectives on issues of race, gender, sexuality, etc. has been that people engage (or disengage) from a place of "right" and when that debate takes place and we stop listening (or believe the conversation has stopped being "productive"), often nothing changes, people feel less inclined to bother engaging and the issue being raised (the impact of racism, sexism, homophobia, etc.) continues.
Ultimately, we perpetuate pain rather than face discomfort and give up that there is a "right".
On one hand, I was AMAZED at the work people (over 100 in two days) did to simply consider that what we offered was not THE truth, rather a perspective to consider tools that can help to stay engaged, speak your truth, experience discomfort in a productive way and accept/expect non closure (* from Glenn Singleton's Courageous Conversations About Race protocol.) I was in awe at how people who came to the workshop demonstrated the will to do what it takes to stay in the conversation and work collectively to dismantle the various oppressions that exist in the Slam Community. The love we received, the constructive criticism we received and the commitment we heard from people to continue this work was gorgeous. Attendees were inspiring and I'm grateful for the honor you bestowed on us to facilitate such a space. I was left inspired to remain committed to provide whatever I can to this community, which is beautiful...exactly the way it is and exactly the way it isn't. I only hope to return a fraction of the joy, growth and strength you have given me.
On the other hand, I was disappointed that the workshop was attended mainly by people who have expressed being impacted by oppression in the slam community, and not by many who have been called out for perpetuating it. I won't name the names of the people who were (according to our written feedback) missed by the group. And I do acknowledge that there was one level of support to this work provided by creating a technical space in the program for this workshop. That is an important beginning. What was missing for me was the next level of support from those in positional and privilege based power to demonstrate the will to engage in (this rare and collective space) the PERSONAL adaptive hard work that each member of this community must do to interrupt and dismantle various oppressions as they come up. I've given the attendees a homework assignment to consider who was missing and how we can engage them. I look forward to seeing what people do with that assignment.
In the spirit of showing that nothing is wrong with acknowledging our truths, I shared at the end of the second day that I am a racist, a sexist, a homophobe, and more~ not because I choose this, but because I have been trained to be. I also am an anti racist, anti sexist, anti homophobe because I believe in choosing to name that which I have been brainwashed to believe and examining how I perpetuate that which I strive to interrupt...even if I don't see it, even if it is painful to acknowledge and even if I have been on the receiving end of any form of oppression.
When I read the NPS threads over the course of the week and listened to people reflecting, I observed some people thanking others for the privilege of serving. This made me reflect on how often we don't see that if we have the privilege to do, say or create something, it is not always an honor. When what I am privileged to do causes others to feel silenced, unseen and hurt... this is not a privilege I can be grateful for.
*I can be grateful to the people who share how I hurt them for loving me enough to illuminate that which I do not see, particularly in their own pain and struggle of being impacted by what I have done.
*I can be grateful to the people who believe in my (and our) ability to interrupt oppression, dismantle it and eliminate it.
*I can be grateful that I choose to embrace the courage necessary to listen and act with the people who have been knocked down, pushed away and wounded by the exercising of privilege and be grateful for their undying strength, passion and dedication. Not to mention they are some of the most courageous and strong people I've ever met.
*I can be grateful for love. And people's truth. And time on this earth to learn more about people's truth. And for change.
I cannot be grateful for privilege, but I can be grateful for these things. And I can hope that gratitude and love keep extending so more people stop being grateful for their privileges and start being grateful for the blessing of engaging in discomfort.
We are not wrong. We are learning. We are different. We are beautiful. We are perfect, exactly the way we are and exactly the way we aren't.
That is how we know that we are change. We are truth. We are love. We are one.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Remembering that I'm not late
....as I beat myself up for "taking too long" to get this done, not blogging more regularly and letting months go by without mapping out my goals for the year.
And, I'm not late. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and perfect in all the ways that I am and all the ways that I'm not.
Deep breath, and my life starts right this second. So, here goes.
It has been about a month sober. For the most part, it's been pretty easy and often funny. Easy, because I've not taken on sobriety from a place where I think anything is wrong. This is just what I do now. I'm not correcting anything from the past, I'm just noticing what it's like NOW, right this moment. Funny, because my friends are super sweet and wanting to support me by not partaking in my presence. :) But, I am the first to whip up a delicious cocktail for my friends and I want people to be comfortable and do what they want. My choice and journey has NOTHING to do with the lives and choices of my friends and peers. In fact, I'm less likely to struggle with sobriety when I'm around my friends. After all, a tonic with a splash of bitters does wonders for my life and so does my community!
What have I noticed in my sobriety? I continue to notice a pattern in when I'm tempted to indulge. It usually is at the end of a day when I want to decompress or unwind and I don't have plans. I believe it helps me to avoid confronting anxiety, sadness, being bored or lonely. I have had a couple of situations recently that have made me really angry (that's a rare emotion in my world, mainly because I'm deeply afraid of being so angry I'll hurt someone) and I've joked about getting a few drinks to blow off steam. But, I believe real anger is rooted in fear and avoiding fear seems like avoiding all of the other emotions above. I'm certain this journey will illuminate much more for me, but the truth so far in my experience has been that I do not want to party socially (that's just fine sober), it's avoiding my emotions. And, what I need to do is be with my friends and not perpetuate avoiding my feelings and thoughts, rather engage them in partnership with my loved ones.
One distinction I practice regularly is that "Nothing is wrong." That doesn't mean there aren't plenty of areas that aren't working, but this distinction helps me approach them from a place of non judgment. I asked myself recently, if nothing is wrong then what do I need to escape from? I started to examine this and I found that when I start from "Something's wrong" I try to escape relationships that are mutually fulfilling, personal exploration, intimacy, my body, learning and being accountable to that learning. I then asked myself, what is "wrong" at the root of that? Deep down, I struggle with fear of my thoughts (like this blog and taking the space to reflect) and fear of what others will see in me~ and deep, deep down, these are rooted in my deepest fear. The fear that I'm not good enough. Not good enough to live up to my ideas, my community and what the world (or I) need.
Sadly, I believe these voices or beliefs are common in all of us....in fact, I suspect (based on the thousands of people who have told me they suffer a similar torture) that the belief in one not being good enough is part of who we are as humans today. I don't believe this is human nature, but I DO believe that when people engage in transformation (either in themselves or in the world) that this belief pops us and is often what stops us, or at the very least makes the journey much more difficult.
I'm about to go map out areas of my life that I want to set intentions around. I'd like to set them in 4 areas: My mind/study, my heart/love and being loved, my soul/service, and my body/health. At the setting of these intentions, I must be clear that I will be facing the belief that I'm not good enough. I must literally practice believing that I am, so I can think big and not be (as much as possible) limited in what I believe I can do and be from this belief. I also know, again, that I cannot do this alone. For each intention, I will create a community to engage in and people I want to help support me/hold me accountable. I'm grateful that so far this journey of sobriety has reinforced my need to interrupt my habit of turning inward when challenged by life. Turning this around will be one of my intentions and one that is incredibly confronting for me.
I'll also publish these intentions, and will make space for sisters in my circle to practice the same exercises as I believe we must share our learnings with each other to overcome struggle and transform ourselves in order to transform the world. So, more soon.
Finally, my sweet sisterfriend, Denise, asked me last night about my experience at Harbin (HAI courses are AMAZING) and I realized that again, I had turned inward to avoid the fear of engaging with community. She asked some amazing questions like, "Are you finding that the lessons from there are continuing to serve you?" and "What is love to you?" and I went straight to a place of intellectual and tried to answer them. I didn't go to a place of letting my emotions engage those powerful questions. In doing that, I realized that I had met some amazing people, had some incredible connections and haven't reached out to engage in the continued lessons after the weekend OR reflected in partnership with people I love to explore what love is to me/us. I just was floating from an incredible experience and have coasted on those fumes for a few weeks, mainly in isolation. Don't get me wrong, I'm around people ALL the time. Trust. But, being with them and creating space where we care for each other is not what I'm doing as habit or with hard work on my end to open up that invitation. That's about to change today.
Off to get my life right. Love to all of you.
Maureen
And, I'm not late. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and perfect in all the ways that I am and all the ways that I'm not.
Deep breath, and my life starts right this second. So, here goes.
It has been about a month sober. For the most part, it's been pretty easy and often funny. Easy, because I've not taken on sobriety from a place where I think anything is wrong. This is just what I do now. I'm not correcting anything from the past, I'm just noticing what it's like NOW, right this moment. Funny, because my friends are super sweet and wanting to support me by not partaking in my presence. :) But, I am the first to whip up a delicious cocktail for my friends and I want people to be comfortable and do what they want. My choice and journey has NOTHING to do with the lives and choices of my friends and peers. In fact, I'm less likely to struggle with sobriety when I'm around my friends. After all, a tonic with a splash of bitters does wonders for my life and so does my community!
What have I noticed in my sobriety? I continue to notice a pattern in when I'm tempted to indulge. It usually is at the end of a day when I want to decompress or unwind and I don't have plans. I believe it helps me to avoid confronting anxiety, sadness, being bored or lonely. I have had a couple of situations recently that have made me really angry (that's a rare emotion in my world, mainly because I'm deeply afraid of being so angry I'll hurt someone) and I've joked about getting a few drinks to blow off steam. But, I believe real anger is rooted in fear and avoiding fear seems like avoiding all of the other emotions above. I'm certain this journey will illuminate much more for me, but the truth so far in my experience has been that I do not want to party socially (that's just fine sober), it's avoiding my emotions. And, what I need to do is be with my friends and not perpetuate avoiding my feelings and thoughts, rather engage them in partnership with my loved ones.
One distinction I practice regularly is that "Nothing is wrong." That doesn't mean there aren't plenty of areas that aren't working, but this distinction helps me approach them from a place of non judgment. I asked myself recently, if nothing is wrong then what do I need to escape from? I started to examine this and I found that when I start from "Something's wrong" I try to escape relationships that are mutually fulfilling, personal exploration, intimacy, my body, learning and being accountable to that learning. I then asked myself, what is "wrong" at the root of that? Deep down, I struggle with fear of my thoughts (like this blog and taking the space to reflect) and fear of what others will see in me~ and deep, deep down, these are rooted in my deepest fear. The fear that I'm not good enough. Not good enough to live up to my ideas, my community and what the world (or I) need.
Sadly, I believe these voices or beliefs are common in all of us....in fact, I suspect (based on the thousands of people who have told me they suffer a similar torture) that the belief in one not being good enough is part of who we are as humans today. I don't believe this is human nature, but I DO believe that when people engage in transformation (either in themselves or in the world) that this belief pops us and is often what stops us, or at the very least makes the journey much more difficult.
I'm about to go map out areas of my life that I want to set intentions around. I'd like to set them in 4 areas: My mind/study, my heart/love and being loved, my soul/service, and my body/health. At the setting of these intentions, I must be clear that I will be facing the belief that I'm not good enough. I must literally practice believing that I am, so I can think big and not be (as much as possible) limited in what I believe I can do and be from this belief. I also know, again, that I cannot do this alone. For each intention, I will create a community to engage in and people I want to help support me/hold me accountable. I'm grateful that so far this journey of sobriety has reinforced my need to interrupt my habit of turning inward when challenged by life. Turning this around will be one of my intentions and one that is incredibly confronting for me.
I'll also publish these intentions, and will make space for sisters in my circle to practice the same exercises as I believe we must share our learnings with each other to overcome struggle and transform ourselves in order to transform the world. So, more soon.
Finally, my sweet sisterfriend, Denise, asked me last night about my experience at Harbin (HAI courses are AMAZING) and I realized that again, I had turned inward to avoid the fear of engaging with community. She asked some amazing questions like, "Are you finding that the lessons from there are continuing to serve you?" and "What is love to you?" and I went straight to a place of intellectual and tried to answer them. I didn't go to a place of letting my emotions engage those powerful questions. In doing that, I realized that I had met some amazing people, had some incredible connections and haven't reached out to engage in the continued lessons after the weekend OR reflected in partnership with people I love to explore what love is to me/us. I just was floating from an incredible experience and have coasted on those fumes for a few weeks, mainly in isolation. Don't get me wrong, I'm around people ALL the time. Trust. But, being with them and creating space where we care for each other is not what I'm doing as habit or with hard work on my end to open up that invitation. That's about to change today.
Off to get my life right. Love to all of you.
Maureen
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